Written by: Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
One of the most important leadership traits is high self-awareness. A 2014 study cited that 95% of leaders thought they were highly self-aware and exposed less than 15% really were. Alarming statistics! This means most leaders are walking around thinking they are totally in tune with their emotions and thought processes. They also think they understand the impact they have on the people around them when they have little to no idea at all.
Some common signs you may be lacking self-awareness are:
You use blaming and shaming as part of your modus operandum. Who did this!? What were you thinking??
You never share how you feel about things and find it hard to describe emotions beyond happy, upset, or angry.
You spend too much time with your thoughts wandering to the past or future, instead of in the here and now.
You are critical or judgmental of others.
You fail to own up when you mess up.
You think your decisions are the best decisions.
You don’t have the time or patience to listen to other people’s ideas, feelings, or thoughts.
After reading this, given that over 85% of people are NOT self-aware, how honest are you about your answers to these questions? Try scaling yourself on a rating of 1 to 10 for each question, and if you’re brave, ask the people around you to rate you. That’s the real test, and it can be an uncomfortable one. Also, consider your work relationships compared to your personal ones. Sometimes we can better share how we feel at home but not at work or vice versa. If there is a difference, why is that so?
Getting to know ourselves is a study of the human psyche. Believe me, it is a process and one that can result in a high level of overthinking.
The biggest in roads I had into developing self-awareness was through being coached and becoming a coach. It is confronting when you realize that you are the author of your own story and how ugly you can be inside when you are completely honest with yourself.
The good news is once you spend time doing the work, it gives you a greater understanding of yourself and others, and an improved ability to connect and see the world as it really is. Furthermore, it becomes easier to acknowledge your own limitations, your motivations, and be more in tune with your intuition and values. You come to realize that most everyone is struggling with their own conflicts which are similar and different to yours.
All people simply want to be recognized, heard, and validated in their own way, no matter their role or responsibility. Everyone has past experiences or wounds that have shaped who they are today. You may remain unaware of the impact of your experiences and how they continue to impact your life or relationships. Sometimes you are aware of them and use them as a reason not to be a better version of yourself. If this is not you, I am pretty sure you already can think of someone like this.
So how do you get better at self-awareness?
Behavioral Assessments
There is a wealth of them out there! A behavioral assessment (BA) gives you clarity on both strengths and blind spots. My BA clearly highlights that a high attention to detail is not one of my core strengths, something I noticed as I was unpacking the dishwasher this morning and wondered why putting away the silverware is the least favorite part of the job. What a BA defines is not that you cannot do something, it’s more that certain tasks or activities bring you less energy than others. Ever noticed how some people geek out over spreadsheets and others run far far away from them?
Behavioral Assessments can also give you confidence, one of the reasons I stepped into public speaking. My profile gave me the confidence to know this is something I could be good at. So, I got out of my own way and found a safe way to learn and experiment before I got on a big stage. My BA helped me challenge myself and be confident to do something I probably would have been too fearful to even try otherwise.
Blind spots are things we all have. Your BA may highlight you could tend to be overbearing in meetings or conversations, a blind spot that may be hidden from you if you are a senior leader. Who is going to tell the boss they talk too much or railroad discussions? A blind spot could be you aren’t likely to listen well, ask too many questions, come across as distrusting or too reserved, too chatty or domineering. Once we have an awareness, we can course correct or gain a better understanding of why some situations make you feel a certain way.
If you are curious about your BA you can use this link to do a free assessment.
Know Your Biases
We all have them. A bias I have, and I know others have – is if I let my hair go gray, will people think I am old and past it? How is it so respectable for men to go gray yet women less so? And so … I pull out yet another box of hair dye.
Biases are a normal part of our brain development. Biases are formed from our past experiences, family or cultural influences, media, and educational systems. They aren’t always right, and this is why it is important to know what they are.
We can be biased against certain personality types, race, gender, tattoos, age, political party, the last thing someone did well or did badly, what school someone went to, or what they are wearing. You get the idea. The trouble is, if we get too generalist and dump everyone in the same bucket, what are we missing? What idea, sale, or opportunity could you lose?
The whole diversity and inclusion movement is making some inroads but there is still a lot of work to be done here. An interesting snippet I read just this week is that transgender people often exhibit a high level of resilience due to the societal challenges they continually work to overcome. This gave me a newfound respect for many minorities who face not being seen, heard or validated on a daily basis.
If you are curious to learn about exploring implicit biases you have this website has a range of assessments you can do for free.
Be Open to Other Ideas
It is easy to think you have the best idea, or process, and nothing else is better. But what if you are not right? What is the cost? Can you think back to a time when you were not as right as you thought you were? Did you apologize, acknowledge the other person, or push ahead with your idea regardless? What was the real cost of that behavior – distrust, a severed relationship, disconnection in the team, resignations, added costs?
In the workplace, senior leaders are often far removed from what is going on at the front lines, or even the customer experience. As a result, decisions are made that are disconnected from the people most impacted by them. Do you, as a senior leader, regularly ask others what they think, and if so, how do you respond? If you find yourself instantly dismissing their thoughts, challenge yourself to ask a question instead. Apply curiosity! Remember people are looking to feel heard, seen, and validated, just like you are.
Get a Coach
Or a therapist. Self-awareness is a journey of self-exploration and one that can be partnered well by a good sounding board. One that is willing to challenge your thinking in a supportive manner. There is something to be said for saying things out loud. When you speak your thoughts out loud, they feel real and less imagined. Finding a friend or partner that will objectively listen and reply how you truly need them to is difficult. How many times have you gone home to vent to your partner, only to have them either get annoyed with you or try to fix the problem for you – that is not what you want!
Coaches are gaining credibility for the value they bring, especially for personal learning and development. A coach is objective, can help you shift perspectives, and help you see what you may not be seeing. They can also help you build clarity, confidence and improve your communication and relationships. They help validate your thinking or challenge those limiting beliefs you may be holding on to.
A coach or a good sounding board will ask you questions and provide the time and space for you to go deeper. Most of us don’t take the time to work on ourselves in this way. When we fail to truly connect with ourselves, we lose the ability to deepen the relationship we have with ourselves and others.
I call self-awareness looking in the mirror. Just like when I first get up in the morning and look in my bathroom mirror, I don’t always like what I see. I will guess many of you don’t either. Self-awareness can be a bit like that too but it’s not all bad. Most all of us feel like we are masking something and the more real and raw we can get, the better your work, life, relationships, and happiness will get too.
Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vivien Hudson is a reformed pharmacist who went through her own journey of discovery when she trained as a life coach, moved hemispheres, and achieved her Masters in Business Adversity. This training enlightened her to how much change we can affect in our lives by understanding stress, the stories we tell ourselves, and how we show up in our bodies. Self-awareness, finding purpose, and living authentically are at the heart of effective change and leadership. Vivien combines her experience in health and wellbeing, business ownership, and the challenges she has faced in her own life to bring depth and diversity to her work She is trained as a life and performance ontological coach, brain fitness practitioner, on purpose presenter, speaker, and corporate trainer. Her purpose is instilling courage to help those she touches live a life well-lived.
