Written by Angela Dawn, Sex, Love & Relationship Coach
Angela Dawn is a Certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach and a Certified Tantric Sex Coach whose mission is to empower you to find fulfillment in love & life, enrich your intimate relationships. and help couples "Get Closer."
The bad news is that you’re probably doing sex wrong. The good news is that you can rock your intimate life to the moon with a few simple tweaks. Are you ready to join the Slow Sex Revolution?
Even if your sex life is already epic, you and your partner are probably leaving a lot of pleasure on the table. Our bodies are capable of so much more pleasure than we even realize. When we learn to tap into that hidden reservoir of pleasure, it’s a game changer. The Slow Sex Revolution is here!
The trifecta of intimacy training
Great sex is no accident. It takes knowledge, practice, and training. As a certified Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, I understand the importance of this trifecta. There’s a knowledge gap for 99% of the population. (Very few people have spent much time studying sexuality!) Once you have the know-how, then you need to practice what you’ve learned. This practice can come in a couple of forms: practice with a lover and/or sexual self-practice. (That’s right, I’m talking about self-pleasure!)
People tend to learn about sex in three ways: Sex Ed in school, porn, and through having sex. If you got Sex Ed in school, you most likely did not learn about the emotional components of your sexuality and forming partnerships. You also failed to learn about women’s pleasure mechanisms when you were in that classroom. Some of us learned about what to expect from sex by watching porn. Unfortunately, most porn does not focus on women’s pleasure. It tends to be male-focused. And it’s just not realistic. (To hear more about my views on porn, check out this podcast.)
The third way we learn about sex is through masturbating and having sex with others. We can definitely learn a lot through just having sex. However, if you’re not unpacking aspects of your sex with your partner afterward, to understand what was good for them and what they want more of – there are learning opportunities that aren’t happening. Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex for a variety of reasons, their religion or upbringing, societal influence, or maybe they just don’t want to make their partner feel bad.
Regarding practicing sexual skills, this should be a no-brainer. What great athlete doesn’t train, do drills, and play scrimmages before the big game? What great athlete doesn’t have a coach (or coaches) who help them adjust their performance and perfect their craft? If you want to be great in bed and have peak pleasure experiences, you’ll need to practice and train yourself.
When I was studying to be a sex coach, I spent hours each week in practice. Guess what? Practice leads to next-level sex. And, it doesn’t end. There’s always more pleasure to unlock. If you’re not learning and growing in your sex life, you’re cheating yourself. Do you really want to leave pleasure on the table? (Check out my free sexual training program for men.)
Mind the gap
When you were a student, your Health teacher probably did not broach the subject of the orgasm gap. But, most of us have heard of it at this point. (Learn more about the orgasm gap from Beducated here.) The gist is that men orgasm far more often with women during heterosexual encounters. Yet, when women and men masturbate, they achieve similar levels of orgasmic pleasure. Half of the time that women have sex with men, they don’t get off. Frankly, that’s pathetic.
Caity Wilkinson and I created a course to help close the orgasm gap, and our free mini-webinar explains the principles involved. We have a cure for the orgasm gap. Guess what? It’s slow sex.
The patriarchy of date night
Imagine a date night evening with your partner. You go to a lovely restaurant and enjoy some delicious food in a beautiful restaurant. You share a bottle of wine and talk. Maybe you float home, high on romance and alcohol. You know what comes next. You smile at each other and it’s time to get down. Your clothes come off. He eats her out for a bit. Then, he’s inside her and not too long after that you’re done and ready for bed.
The issue with this pattern is that it’s actually patriarchal. It’s essentially a food-for-sex exchange. She gets fed. He gets sex. This dinner with wine and then a quick sexual encounter might serve penises, but it doesn’t serve pussies. (It’s worth mentioning that it’s not the best intimacy for him, either!) Women’s bodies need time to respond to arousal. You can learn more about the time it takes a woman to “warm up” in this podcast.
Getting to penetration too quickly prevents women from experiencing the fullness of their pleasure. While a penis lets you know when he’s ready and responds readily to touch, vulvas don’t work that way. If you touch her too soon or in the wrong way, she shuts down. If you want revolutionary sex, you have to learn how to work with a slow build of arousal.
How to have slow sex
Pussy Whispering educates men, women & couples on the slow sex approach. Most people are not aware that they are subconsciously rushing their bodies through sex. When you stop rushing, that’s when a whole world of possibility opens up. One key to having “mind-blowing primal sex [that] you didn’t know was possible” is shifting the focus away from orgasm as a “grand finale.” (That’s a quote from one of my students!)
Instead of focusing on the big O, I advocate shifting the focus to physical pleasure, emotional connection, and physical & emotional safety. The core process to have slow sex has a number of elements: being in the moment, setting the mood, focusing on outercourse (often called foreplay), connecting, allowing enough time, consent at every step of the process, and penetration (if it happens) comes at the very end of the process. Caity Wilkinson and I explain each of these elements in our free Slow Sex Revolution video and go into much more detail in our full Pussy Whispering course. But, here’s a summary for you:
Be in the moment: This means removing distractions (like the dishes in the sink) and training your attention to stay in your body and sensations during intimacy. Meditation is a great way to train your mental muscle to do this.
Set the mood: Engage your senses throughout your intimate experience. Sensory awareness is heart-opening. (Read more about this in my blog.)
Focus on outercourse: Outercourse is foreplay. This should be 90% of your physical intimacy. Start with the “outer” and slowly move into more sensitive areas.
Connect: This can be happening throughout your day, not just in intimate moments.
Allow enough time: Women need about 40 minutes of warm-up to be ready for penetration. The more time that’s spent on building arousal before penetration, the better it will feel for her.
Get consent: This should be happening at every step of the process. Pay attention to body language and verbally ask for consent.
Penetrate last: Sex doesn’t have to include penetration. But, if you’re planning on penetrating with fingers, a toy, or a penis, don’t rush to that part of the experience.
There is always more to learn about sex. Do yourself a favor and expand your knowledge base. Don’t let your new understanding go to waste either, put them into practice in your next encounters. Learning and practicing are the keys to having advanced sexual skills – and mind-blowing sex. I hope you’ll join the slow sex revolution!
Angela Dawn, Sex, Love & Relationship Coach
Angela (she/her) is a Certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach and a Certified Tantric Sex Coach, dedicated to helping couples Get Closer. With a wealth of experience in yoga and Tibetan Buddhism, she brings a holistic approach to her coaching. Angela's mission is to empower clients to find fulfillment in love and life, free from societal taboos. Based in Annapolis, Maryland, her unique perspective and extensive training in tantric practices make her the ideal guide for enriching your intimate relationships. Don't wait; the time for the best version of yourself in love and intimacy is now!
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