Written by Anna Darlington, Lifestyle & Mindset Coach
Anna is a certified coach and NLP practitioner. She’s an accredited HR professional and founder of The Happy Mum Project. Following a successful career that led Anna to head up the Learning & Development function at a large, global company, she set up her own coaching practice, which is committed to helping mothers achieve career-family-balance.
When we become mothers our whole world changes in ways we never would have imagined. I think most of us who have children have experienced this. There is an idea, an ideology almost, of what being a mum will be and feel like, but reality very often doesn’t match that expectation. The consequence: confusion or disappointment, upset and overwhelm.
Some of us, like myself, feel a loss of identity. I’ve found that this is especially prevalent among women who also have a career or strong professional ambitions. The fact that this new role of “mother” takes up so much of our time, attention, love and literally space (I mean, look at your home before and after kids, right?!), makes it very hard to give the same amount of dedication to everything else in our life.
Many women grieve that childless version of themselves and are then being plagued by guilt over these thoughts. The only way to move on from this and to heal is to reconnect with yourself, and to do this you need to know what it is you want from life. What do you really, really want?
Juggling motherhood and career – or anything else, for that matter
Working mothers, especially when career-driven, are probably the busiest people on this planet! We’re constantly chasing after ourselves, trying to be on top of everything, keeping all the plates spinning. We often run our lives on autopilot, losing sight of our own needs and desires.
Most women that aim for success have worked hard and invested in themselves. They’ve got used to a certain standard and lifestyle. Let’s face it, modern women work hard and play hard. We want to be free and independent, and we deserve every bit of it. However, when it comes to motherhood and the role we play at home, we’re still seem to be the primary caregiver but unlike the generations before us we also work for a living and a career.
On top of that, there is also pressure to stay fit, look good, have an “Instagram-able” home, perfectly behaved children that do a lot of impressive extra-curricular activities, go on adventure holidays with the family and ideally have a dog that needs to be taken on a walk (because that is just idyllic). And while we used to have a much stronger support network back in the days, everyone talks about the infamous “village” you need to raise your children, most people don’t have that kind of support nearby anymore.
No wonder we start feeling stuck!
I remember being so busy with life, that I rarely took the time to stop and really understand what is going on within myself: how do I feel, what it is I truly want, and how do I need to shift or change in order to find my purpose or feel balanced and fulfilled. There was just no capacity! And so, like many others, I started feeling frustrated, out of sync, overwhelmed and unfulfilled.
It requires a lot of energy to give everything our full attention. Many women feel pressure to do exceptionally well across the board, which then results in the feeling of having failed when it becomes clear that this doesn’t really work. But we can’t be everything to everyone all the time and exceed all expectations on top of it, this is a) not realistic and b) not sustainable. But as women we put this on ourselves, we set the bar so high, that we are only condemned to miss it.
Being selfish is also not in the nature of most mothers. And with good reason; if you have young ones depending on you, it’s your responsibility to ensure they are safe, well and loved. But think about it, and I mean really think about it – how much of what you do is serving those essential needs of your children and what is artificially created nonsense that we are told, we must fulfil or otherwise we will totally screw up our kids, or whatever other scaremongering is out there?
All of that hits us before we even return to work…and once we’re back, we are confronted with a lot more. You will have to deal with very unexpected situations and emotions, such as the guilt of leaving your kids crying at nursery, missing out on work events or the feeling you have to split yourself in two to be able to provide work and your family enough attention. Sadly, there isn’t much support in place to help new mothers adjust, to ease them into this new dynamic.
Be assured though, this will help you develop new skills, which will make you stronger and better at what you do but like with all learning if we don’t take time to acknowledge it, it will go unnoticed, and you will not be able to tap into your full potential as a mother or at work.
How knowing yourself can do magic to your wellbeing
Grieving the person we were before children is very common for mothers and for many it takes a very long time to overcome that grief. There is a constant feeling of missing out, having to sacrifice something or not being able to keep up. And we believe the version of ourselves before kids, who was free to do what she wanted, is gone. That hurts! Understandably!
My point of view though, is that you have never lost her, you just added a new part to who you are. If you can reframe how you view your new role as a working mum, you’ll give yourself the chance to reconnect with all parts of you and you will find peace within yourself and heal.
Nobody is the same in every aspect of their life. We are employees, family members, friends, lovers, neighbours…we can be calm and good listeners as well as impatient and self-centred, we may be shy and reserved in one situation and forward and outgoing in another.
When we become mothers, there are even more roles we take on…we are nurses, educators, nutritionists and entertainment centres. Naturally, we will add new parts to our personality, that feel, think and act differently depending on what is required of us. The number of different roles we play, as well as the huge variety of parts or characteristics we hold and apply in all different aspects of our life, make up who we are as a whole.
However, so very often we resent a lot of these parts, it seems that there are characteristics that are more desirable than others, and some are unwanted all together. We need to understand though, that all parts are equal, there is no ranking, any form of ranking is put upon us by society, our own beliefs and view of the world. Acknowledging that these parts are all one of us, that they all serve a purpose and have a positive intent for us, will help us to meet ourselves with kindness and gratitude, and create more inner harmony and balance.
As mothers this new version of us wants to be understood but we rarely allow ourselves time and space to really tune in and listen. Realising that we underwent a complete transformation and giving ourselves a chance to adjust is a crucial part of reconnecting and accepting who we are. If we take time to reflect, we gain clarity over our own desires, the purpose each part of us serves and we can refocus on what really matters to us as an individual and what truly has priority. Taking time to check-in with ourselves will put us back in the driver’s seat, it will give us the power to dictate the direction we’re going rather than being passively pulled through our own life.
Getting to know myself again, empowered me to accept myself for who I am, give clear direction and set healthy boundaries. When we are in sync with ourselves and accept all parts of us, we rid ourselves from feelings of shame and guilt.
Know what you want and act with intention
The most important part for me throughout my journey as a career-driven mum has been to sit with myself and reflect on who I want to be, where I want to go, why I feel or react the way I do, and how I can improve things for myself or simply accept things for what they are.
By truly understanding our identity, values, beliefs, aspirations and our strengths and weaknesses we can become the ultimate leader of our own life.
Practicing self-reflections, which means giving serious thought to our own character and actions, feelings and behaviours, drivers and triggers, will not just enable us to be in control of our life but has many other benefits that will contribute to our overall wellbeing, such as:
Gaining a greater sense of self as we are allowing us to really listen to ourselves
Increased confidence and resilience through the awareness we bring to our achievements and the self-assurance we create
Sharpening of empathy and compassion by paying more attention to our relationships with ourselves and others, and how we manage them
Enhanced problem-solving skills by cultivating critical thinking and learning from our mistakes
And finally feeling empowered to face the challenges of life as we meet ourselves with kindness and understanding, giving ourselves love and support.
Although self-reflection means to look at all aspects of ourselves and our lives – the good and the bad – I want to be very clear that self-reflection must never be an opportunity to beat ourselves up. We should always treat ourselves with kindness. Self-reflection is also an act of self-love through which we accept our whole self and the fact that we’re not perfect and we support ourselves to grow and heal.
Self-reflection can happen during a walk, during a yoga class, while meditating, even while doing housework, before we go to bed or by hitting pause just for a few minutes throughout the day. Give yourself time, observe yourself, the way you behave, think and feel in certain moments and you will get to know your true authentic self, which is able to take you out of autopilot and take back control.
Driving ourselves forward, making positive changes that will allow us to reconnect, transform and progress requires intention; the intention to make the steps necessary, the intention to follow a plan, the intention to take control. Once we know, accept and heal ourselves we can act with intention to create the life we want to live!
Sometimes it is hard to take the first step into rediscovering ourselves, we don’t know where to start, our head is so full that we can’t seem to see the wood for the trees but if you can relate to anything in this article or want to find out more about my journey and how I can help you, please reach out to me for a free clarity call.
Anna Darlington. Lifestyle & Mindset Coach
Anna Darlington is an expert in enabling people to develop and progress. She has many years of experience in creating conditions for personal and professional growth. During her time heading up the Learning & Development function at a large, global organization, she met countless women who faced the same challenges of juggling motherhood and career that she did. The feeling of having to choose between family and career seemed unjust and Anna’s passion for female leadership empowerment led her to found The Happy Mum Project, which supports mothers to create a career-family-balance that enables them to follow their professional aspirations and find fulfilment in motherhood.
