Written by: Diane Bolden, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do you have to occasionally (or often) interact with people who drive you a little crazy? What if at a certain level, it’s not them or you – but how your communication styles mix? Often, with a little awareness and conscious intention, you can turn conflict into collaboration.
The Golden Rule many of us were brought up with tells us to treat others the way we’d like to be treated. That works well when we’re talking about showing kindness or respect. But when people have different ideas of what is respectful, that approach can fall short and even lead to conflict…
Examples of how one person’s preferences are another’s irritations
Big picture people get frustrated by those who want to immerse themselves (and others) in details – and vice versa.
People who prefer to carefully assess a situation before moving forward can become annoyed with those who want to jump right in – and vice versa.
People who are highly expressive (and often talk more than they listen) don’t understand those that who rarely share their thoughts (because they listen more than they talk) – and vice versa.
People who dream big and shoot for the moon get impatient with those who point out all the reasons their plans may not work – and vice versa.
When others don’t say or do things the way you want them to (or act in ways that annoy you), it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that they are intentionally trying to irritate you. But they may just be treating you the way they’d like to be treated.
And that’s interesting, because it’s also likely that some of the ways you are treating others may unintentionally be annoying them as well.
That frustration may become so aggravating that it leads to conflict. Annoyance with others can compel you to act in ways that make things worse. And that reactive behavior can become like fuel on a fire.
The interesting and somewhat paradoxical thing about people who tend to annoy each other because of their differing styles is that each would benefit by working with the other. That is, if they could overcome their irritation with each other.
How people with different styles and preferences can help each other
Big picture people need detail-oriented people to help them see what they might otherwise miss. And detail-oriented people can benefit from listening to and understanding the higher-level perspective of big picture people.
People who prefer to carefully assess and prepare can benefit from partnering with those whose sense of urgency can help them move from planning to action in a timely manner. Those who tend to jump right in can benefit from advice from more cautious people that’ll keep them from falling into land mines.
People who are highly extraverted and expressive can benefit from those who tend to listen a lot – to help them hear what they may have missed (or talked over). And those who tend to withhold their ideas can benefit from others who can help them find their voice and better express themselves.
The visionaries and dreamers can benefit from the skeptics to help them create a plan for success that avoids the pitfalls. And those who tend to get fixated on obstacles can benefit from people who can help them expand their view to see opportunities.
Five tips to help you turn conflict into collaboration
Here are some things you can do to keep conflict due to differing styles from coming to a head – and better yet, to turn conflict into collaboration.
1. Think about the people who irritate you the most. Recognize what you are believing about those people (and their intentions) that is creating (or adding to) your frustration and ask yourself if it is really true.
2. Notice how different their approach to doing (or communicating about) about things is than your own – and to what degree these differences are the source of your exasperation.
3. Consider whether it is possible they are simply going about things in the way that is most natural for them, rather than intentionally disregarding your preferences.
4. Reflect for a moment on how the differing approaches people take could potentially complement your own. How could you help each other steer clear of obstacles and achieve more together than you could individually?
5. Think about how you could speak clearly about the way you’d like things to be done, while also seeking to understand the preferences of others. With mutual awareness and appreciation, you can collectively determine the best way to leverage your unique styles to collaborate.
It’s true, people’s differing styles and approaches can get irritating – and those irritations can and often do build. But the worst conflict arises when we tell ourselves stories that have us believing others are intentionally being disrespectful. Believing a story like that will lead you to act in ways that will exacerbate things and keep you from the solutions you seek.
Where you can go from here
Taking the five steps outlined above can interrupt and redirect your interactions in ways that can turn conflict into collaboration. If you’d like to better understand and leverage your own style, take two minutes to complete this complimentary 11 question quiz. Along with your results, I’ll provide you with tips that will help you maximize your effectiveness, influence and impact – with others who are both similar to and different from you.
Diane Bolden, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Diane Bolden is an executive coach, speaker, author and organization development professional with more than 25 years of experience in leadership development, coaching and consulting, Diane has worked with managers, directors, officers and boards in Fortune 100 and 500 companies and nonprofit organizations to achieve higher levels of performance and success by helping them bring out the best in themselves and everyone around them. Her book, the Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader – How to Unleash Genius in Yourself and Those You Lead, was published in 2011. Diane has a Masters in Business Administration and is a Certified Corporate Coach. She is CEO of Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting.
