It All Makes Sense Now
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 11, 2022
- 12 min read
Written by: Nanette Murphy, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
"Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive." –Unknown Have you ever broken anything? Of course, you have. A dish, a lamp, a car, maybe a bone 'ouch.' Maybe you threw out the broken item, possibly replaced it if you could. A broken bone requires a cast and about six-eight weeks of healing. Awkward for a few weeks, but you get through the healing process.
Now, what about a broken heart? Have you ever experienced that? I had once wondered how that felt; how do you think a broken heart feels?
I'll tell you. First, it feels numb; you aren't sure it is still pumping. Then, it slowly feels empty, but why does it also feel so heavy? There is a weight inside you now, and that causes the pain. The pain of a broken heart rippled through my whole body. My mind was cluttered, I struggled to think clearly, and my breathing was sometimes labored. My body was numb, yet I hurt from the inside out. I was hungry but couldn't eat, and I had to push myself to get out of bed. It was not easy living in denial because, deep down, I knew I couldn't live with this information. I knew something was wrong, and I pursued the information...then I understood the truth. No words can describe that moment.
I tried to live and act as I did before this devasting news slammed into my ears and circled my brain. I could try; I did try. But I later found out that I was fooling no one. Not my friends or family, and the worst part, not my children either. There is no band-aid, and there isn't enough sunshine, laughter, or friends and family to heal you. You prefer to be alone. Retreating inward is just a natural action; there is nothing anyone can do for you; no words can heal your broken heart. The hurt is real, and the pain runs deep. You move through the days really on automatic. I was a mother and had a household to run; I also kept a secret. I never realized that keeping a secret this big, this disturbing, could eat away at your soul. Yes, that is what it was doing. I wasn't fond of nighttime, so I ensured there was liquid courage in the house to numb my pain and help me sleep.
For a moment in the morning, you know, those few seconds between deep sleep a waking up in the morning. Those few fleeting moments each morning were all the peace I had in my heart. Then, in an instant, reality woke up too. I was living in the ugly truth again. I felt trapped in my sadness and paralyzed, unable to completely accept where my marriage had ended. I married my husband for twenty years when he took me on a surprise trip to Paris for our Twentieth anniversary. We had never celebrated like this before. As I recall now, he squeezed it in between his guy trips. But I was on a high from that trip for weeks after. It was incredible. We had some troubling times earlier that year, but they had passed; at least, that is how it seemed.
Hindsight: that is also real. By our twenty-first anniversary, we had hit rock bottom. Devasted is the best word to describe how I felt if you can label what I felt. Infidelity: The word that brought my world crashing down around me and shook me to the core. Two years was how long I lived in denial. First, my husband's infidelity crippled me. But it was a double-edged sword; the mistress was my "friend ." Not the definition of a friend, is it? I had always said I would tolerate anything but infidelity in my marriage; it was easy to say because I NEVER thought it would happen. So that, I believe, is why I confidently said I would walk away if it did. But it was real; I had to follow through, stand my ground, and take action, right?
But how could I? My heading was spinning and foggy most of the time, and all I could do was cry. I didn't want to face my children with this fact. I was a hot mess. Prayer and denial. Prayer and hopefulness. Prayer, depression, prayer, good days. I was going around in circles, like a dog chasing its tail. I had been with him since I was 18; I am in my late forties. It takes a while to let it all sink in. Enough time passes, then you begin to understand that things aren't going to get better. Lies continued, but I eventually uncovered more of the truth. It took time to admit that three people in a marriage doesn't work. It was demeaning, disrespectful, and cruel. After I accepted that he was no longer the man I had married, and truthfully, I had reached the end of my rope, I started gaining my self-respect back. Thankfully I eventually admitted that I had to move forward with my life. As difficult as it was to accept, once I did, I realized that my heart had not been completely torn to pieces and had been blown away in the tornado of sadness and disappointment. There was a small piece left. I realized it was growing again because I had begun to nurture it again. I was taking care of myself and focusing on healing. Divorce was the only next move. I was learning that "Healing" is an ACTIVE process. It doesn't magically wrap you up in a soft cloak and transform and heal you. NOPE, it is not going to happen that way! You can't give up. You dig deep for strength which builds your determination. Determination gets you out of the darkness you live in, and it gets very dark. Then, the sun does shine again. You find the courage to keep building your strength. It was challenging as the days, weeks, and years went by, but an essential chapter in my healing and growing process was necessary. So, I moved out of the marital home and found a house I made my own. I lived in it for three years with my youngest daughter. It was warm, welcoming, and filled with good times and bad but some wonderful gatherings and times that I hold preciously in my memory. Beautiful moments were part of my healing, important moments that assisted in building my confidence and strength while learning to get to know the woman looking back at me in the mirror each morning. Healing doesn't run into you and knock you down like Heartbreak.
No, it is gently approaching you. If you actively allow it to come. The healing process unfolded by making some new friends and entertaining again. Something I loved to do. I made sure to take care of myself. Self-care became a massive part of my life. I traveled and enjoyed time with my kids. I began volunteering, and that put my life in perspective. There were still tears at times, but even those days disappeared. Dating wasn't my thing, but I did meet a man I fell in love with. After that, I never wanted to re-marry; Never say Never. My life had gotten so much better, but I did feel like there was still more than I needed to do with my life. I traveled, spent time with friends and family, enjoyed dinners, did my charity work through fundraisers, etc. Living life and enjoying myself is imperative. So, I spent a lot of my time on the road.
But I knew there was still something else for me to do. Through this journey, I have learned that life has a way of working out. First, you may not understand the path. But, once you are there, you are then clear about why. The year is 2020. Does anyone remember that year? It is the longest year that sometimes feels like it didn't exist. My new husband and I had married in June of 2019. Thankfully we hadn't planned to Marry in 2020. We spend most weekdays apart due to work and circumstances. We were living between Canada and the USA, respectively. So, traveling across the border was a regular activity.
Well, not anymore. Like everyone else, our routine came to an abrupt halt.
It didn't take long to realize that Netflix and social media could not keep me busy and content for long. But then, I heard somewhere (I don't recall how) that Yale University was offering an online course called, The Science of Well Being. So, I signed up and dove in. The journey from there leads me to rediscover Michael Beckwith.
The Professor of the course referred to Mr. Beckwith. I knew his name, so of course, I googled him. The search gave me information to find his teachings on the MINDVALLEY platform.
My journey of learning took off from there. I listened to as many of the MINDVALLEY Masterclasses as I could. The importance of these classes was life-changing. I listened, took notes, and reflected on the words and teachings I heard. Meditation and yoga became important in my daily routine. I had a lot of time focusing on healthier eating and daily exercise. I was focused. The most fantastic part was how I learned to hear messages given to me through meditation. From listening, I discovered that Life Coaching was what I should pursue. I began researching where I could become a certified Life Coach. I was amazed at myself; I enjoyed the learning process and felt it was my calling. I knew this was the right direction for me. Once I completed that certification, the need to add health coaching came deep inside me. That was my next focus. I was moving in a direction never on my radar, yet it felt right. I had no end game, but I knew the universe was guiding me.
As I completed all my certifications, I took the advice of my life coach instructor to get myself a life coach.
Now is when my WOW came.
We talked about my goals and what things I would like to accomplish next. I explained to my coach that I 1. wanted to start coaching, 2. one day, I hope to start a non-profit 3. write a book
4. I don't think I got 4. The conversation went kind of like this. Have you started your book? – Sort of
When would you like to write it? – Maybe once my business gets going, Why are you waiting? - I had no good answer
I didn't have any good answers to her questions. Finally, she said that being a published author could help me build my coaching business. I felt her words—that ah-ha moment. We had talked for an hour, and by the end of our session, I had committed to writing 10,000 words. I stated that I needed a couple of weeks to complete my assignment as I was not a writer and wasn't 100% positive, I could produce what I had committed to.
I completed my writing and finished it in about six months. That was an incredibly satisfying feeling. Finally, I had poured out the story of my Heartbreak, healing, and ultimately, my growth. Finally, I could share my account to help others through their dark times.
It was very healing for me. Even after I thought my healing was complete.
My story continues. I am now a coach and author, building my coaching business, learning a lot about social media, and navigating and growing a business online. I discovered there is so much to learn. I took hours each day to teach myself a small task, but I was determined to learn. In 2021 I was approached to be a part of a group of divorce coaches. Ultimately it leads me to complete a crucial component of my coaching,
Figuring out my niche. I have known my purpose, but now I know my passion; coaching women divorcing after twenty-plus years of marriage. My coaching does not only guide them through the divorce process, but I emphasize their health, and the importance of their self-care. Through my dark times of trying to save my marriage from separation and ultimately divorcing, I couldn't help but wonder why me. Why us? How did our marriage get to this? It can be very daunting, especially when you don't know the answer to any of those questions.
The answers did not come quickly. Was I not listening for the answers? Possibly, But I believe the answers weren't available until I was ready. Not until I was in a good place, not until I was prepared to accept the answers. Not until I was strong enough, courageous enough, and could handle what I was supposed to do with the answers. Only then could I receive the answers to those questions. Tears well up in my eyes thinking about this. An emotional realization of how and why I am where I am today. How I became the ME I am right now. I have found my purpose, and I am pursuing this purpose with passion. I realized my desire to help women. The women who, like myself years ago, are hurting so deeply that they can not even
put into words how they feel. They cry into their pillow, scream in the shower, want to throw a glass against the wall, and then have the urge to jump in the car and drive forever. Their dreams have shattered, and they don't know what is next. It is clear to me that God had a plan for me. I went through pain, but it was necessary to experience it to gain knowledge, confidence, and courage; to get to this point in my life with the ability, time, and determination to help others. We all have goals and hopes for the future, and most of the time, we feel we are on the right path going in the right direction. But, along this path, we meet people. Some we hope will stay in our lives forever, some who come along and derail us. I know this feeling—the sense of distrust that creeps into the world around us.
I intend to help women who need support and encouragement to get back to living a whole and happy life. To get to know themselves again and write the next chapter. I was recently asked, " How did you move forward."
My reply was, " in a nutshell, I took care of myself; Spiritually, emotionally, and physically." I dug deep. I was determined not just to survive but to thrive. I turned to my faith and belief in a higher power to help me heal, I learned to allow my emotions to show but set boundaries for those I needed to put them with, and I tended to my physical strength—going to the gym and eating well; self-care was essential. I cared for myself, got counseling, and leaned on others when needed. Was it easy? No, not at all. But it was worth it because I have gained, Courage, inner strength, and a feeling of accomplishment. Now the more women I coach, the more satisfied I feel. I am proud of the woman I have become, making mistakes but learning so much. I went through some very dark times, and sharing my story no longer makes me sad; no, it gives me the confidence to move forward and help others because I realize how far I have come and the potential ahead of me. When allowed to share my story in this book, I didn't hesitate because the title spoke to me. I did precisely that; I transformed my pain into a purpose for what I had done. We all have a story to share, and we should share it with someone at one time or another. You never know who you will help, inspire, or even save because your words may turn their life around in beautiful, meaningful ways. Knowing that the pain I went through gives me a new purpose in life is a good feeling. I am passionate about my goal and appreciate all I have learned, the new people I have met, and the incredible opportunities that have come my way.
When I finally accepted that divorce was impossible to avoid and a future that I was uncertain of, I was scared.
I feared the future; now, it excites me, which is an empowering feeling. Giving this feeling to other women is extremely important to me.
"No one can close a door God has opened for you." – Unknown
The door opened for me, and I walked through it. I encourage you to transform your pain into purpose. It's healing and empowering. What we can give another person from this action can be valuable to them and yourself.
I want to close with a small story. I began volunteering during my divorce. I chose a Charity that I was already giving to. Their daycare center needed volunteers. I decided I would step up and give my time. I was taking care of the little ones under 2. One morning I arrived not feeling happy: one of those down days. I had considered staying home but knew they needed me. While in the quiet rocking a baby to sleep, I began to cry to myself silently. I thought, "I need to leave. I shouldn't be here". A feel washed over me and left me realizing I was right where I should be.
These little ones needed me. Yes, they did. But I needed them more. I received just as much, if not more, from them.
Give of yourself to help you heal. Your cup will fill up, and you will have more to give others later.
Be at peace with the past – Barbara Marx Hubbard
Nanette Murphy, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nanette Murphy is an author, divorce & Health Coach, and founder of the online community, www.divorceafterforty.com, for women divorcing after twenty-plus years. She is the mother of three adult children and divorced after nearly twenty-five years. Nanette did what she hoped to do but didn't expect; she found strength after heartbreak, her drive after healing, and discovered her purpose through growth. Her goal is to guide, support, and encourage other women to do the same through her community and her coaching.
.jpg)