Written by: Julia Norris, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Understanding your subconscious mind: how it might be sabotaging your love life? Do you have a history of failed relationships, unaware of what caused their fall? Perhaps your love life seems like a rollercoaster; it all starts good and then, at some point, it becomes clear that it’s doomed to fail. Sadly, many people nowadays deal with this unfortunate series of events. You’re desperately looking for answers, trying to figure out what went wrong. But have you ever considered that your subconscious might be guilty of your bad fate?
Most people fail to realise how they might be self-sabotaging relationships. Therefore, I’m here today to pinpoint the tell-tale signs that your subconsciousness makes you sabotage your love life.
7 ways you’re self-sabotaging in your relationships
Although it might sound surprising, people’s subconscious is often found ‘guilty’ for doomed relationships. Well perhaps guilty is a stretch too far, you see it’s really innocent and is always just trying to protect you but it may be malfunctioning if the correct programmes for ‘love’ were not installed. If you’re doing any of the things I’ve listed above, it’s probably time you work on yourself and prevent the outcome from repeating in the future!
1. You’re too hung up on the past
I get it; it’s hard to deal with, let alone forget, the negative feelings a negative relationship has caused. However, what you might not realise is that your previous experience is often what makes you sabotage future relationships. You end up being stuck in mistakes from the past, stuck in the past (full stop), overthinking every step that led to failure. This only makes you project the sins of the past to the next person, which makes it impossible to see a different outcome.
The key to stop sabotaging relationships is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You probably understand that not all people are the same, but whilst yes, you need to make a conscious effort to stop putting them all in the same basket, sometimes that effort is all too much. A simple subconscious change can help you turn things around faster. This is the only way to break the spell and finally start seeing a future in your love life.
2. You feel an inexplicable urge to argue or need to always be right
If you feel like you always have to be right and without realising you might even have a subconscious need to stand against every statement someone makes, the odds are you’re subconsciously self-sabotaging your relationships. Ask yourself where this urge is coming from. It might be due to an experience, work stress, or family issues. The likelihood is you were raised in a family where you couldn’t get a word in edgeways or were made to feel unimportant somehow. The point is, no one appreciates a person who always wants to be right, as these people are often difficult to have a normal and productive conversation with. This leads us to the next point.
Deep inside all of us, we all feel a subtle desire to be right about our statements. However, when this becomes an overwhelming urge, it becomes self-sabotaging behaviour that drives people away. So, one way to try to tone this down is to practise open-mindedness.
Remember that relationships aren’t only about the other people accepting you. They’re also great opportunities for learning and growing. Try keeping a healthy distance from your hardcore beliefs and open your mind to other’s opinions. Who knows? You might realise you haven’t been that right about something after all!
3. You have strong self-doubt
Low self-esteem is one of the biggest reasons for self-sabotaging in relationships. If you always tell yourself you’re not good enough, you’re creating an impenetrable bubble that pushes partners away. Moreover, you also become convinced by some deceiving beliefs that you don’t deserve anyone.
It’s important to recognise this self-destructing behaviour when it starts lingering around. Try not to tolerate negative thoughts- you shouldn’t let them control your life. The issue with the ‘I’m not good enough’ belief is that it hides in hard to see places. It might need a little vulnerability and courage to see it. When you see it, it can change and you can start to feel more joy in your life and relationships overall.
A way in which to build self-esteem is to practise meditation, it won’t be the act of silencing the mind that does it solely, however, it opens up awareness and enables us to see more clearly as well as helping us stay more present and aware of thought patterns. Once that is done it becomes somewhat easier to consistently challenge negative thoughts. A neuron that wires and fires together is referred to as neuroplasticity, the brain has the ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life.
4. You always seem to date unavailable people
One of the biggest issues single individuals experience is they often come across unavailable people. No matter how badly you want this relationship to succeed, the reality is that the majority of them are doomed to fail from the very start. If this is a repeating pattern, we can only assume how tiring it can get. Your subconscious mind plays a huge role in this choice, so you might want to start consciously reviewing your partner's options.
5. You don’t open up your heart
Negative past experiences can have a detrimental effect on your mental well-being. So much so that you often find yourself being over-protective of your heart, which stops you from letting people in. This defence mechanism always leads to self-sabotaging relationships, as you try not to get hurt as you’ve been in the past. But vulnerability is essential for a successful partnership. If you can only be more conscious of your choices, being vulnerable shouldn’t get you hurt.
A good way to overcome this is to attend therapy sessions or solid support from your friends or family. Someone who wants only the best for you should know how to properly advise you and break the entrenched cycle of failed love connections.
6. You have trust issues
This is yet another thing that comes from previous trauma. Whether it’s because of a former partner or a family member, negative experiences can easily make you lose trust in people. And since all beneficial connections are built upon trust, you can easily see the problem here.
I had a client, let’s call her Mary, who had experienced a very painful betrayal in a long-term relationship. It caused Mary significant and understandable hurt and meant it was very difficult for her to trust other potential partners. I was able to help Mary transform this trauma and in time rebuild her trust of others and herself.
Take a step back and reconsider your partner's choices. If you’ve always been keen on choosing untrustworthy partners, that’s probably the reason you’ve often experienced betrayal. By evaluating both yourself and your prospective mates, you should make wiser decisions and slowly overcome your trust issues.
7. You have unrealistic expectations
Finally, having unrealistic expectations is yet another form of self-sabotaging behaviour regarding relationships. Perhaps you assume everyone you date will break your heart or that the next person will be ‘the one’. It’s OK, it’s the job of the nervous system to keep us safe.
Such assumptions, however, can get you hurt once you realise the reality is far different from what you imagined. If you have a long checklist of traits a person should have that no one seems to match your criteria, you’re probably missing a lot of viable partners. So, it’s time for you to learn from your past mistakes and try to win over your subconsciousness.
Forming positive relationships in today’s world is indeed a hard thing to do. But if you’re dealing with a series of mishaps and repetitive outcomes, it’s time to consider whether you’re self-sabotaging your relationships. If you’re interested in reading more related content, don’t forget to check the rest of our blogs.
Julia Norris, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Julia Norris is a mindset coach who specialises in manifestation, empowerment and the workings of the subconscious mind. Her journey into the realm of the mind began with a burning curiosity to understand the depths of human consciousness and she embarked upon a journey leading her to attend many retreats and Satsangs with enlightened teachers. From working with toddlers, young children and teenagers helping them to manage their anxiety, today she guides mostly adult women on their journey of self-discovery and healing through mindfulness, meditation, breathwork and PSYCH-K®. Her passion is in helping people address their limiting beliefs and to understand their true nature with a mission to bridge the gap.
