Written by: Erica Walter, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Our past informs how we see the world and the people in it. As a result, almost everyone enters a relationship with some kind of "baggage". When those bags contain unresolved emotional wounds, couples can lose hope that a happy, healthy relationship is possible for them. Why? Because healthy relationships require healthy individuals. Unresolved emotional trauma left unrecognized and untreated will lurk around damaging and disrupting seemingly loving relationships.
Some people are unaware that they have unresolved emotional trauma. Often their negative behaviors, problems with communication, and constant conflict are accredited to their personality; when in reality, it's their brain's attempt to keep them safe from feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. One can only imagine how disheartening this can be for the other person in the relationship who is requesting a change or expressing relational needs. However, all is not lost; healing is possible. Emotional wholeness is within reach when unresolved emotional trauma is acknowledged and addressed.
4 Ways Unresolved Emotional Trauma may be Affecting Your Relationship
Meeting Emotional Needs
In 'The Marriage Clinic', Gottman writes, "The emotional language people have for emotion is very closely allied with the richness of their emotional experience." Often, when a person has experienced emotional neglect and/or wounds as a child, they learn to invalidate their feelings and emotional needs. This can result in an inability to validate the emotions or emotional needs of others as an adult. When this happens, emotional talk has no place in the relationship. Emotional safety is one of the most important facets of a healthy relationship. When emotional needs aren't met, there can be a lack of connectedness, which results in resentment and ultimately the dissolution of the relationship.
Playing the Victim
Conflict can be very scary for a person who has experienced wounds because of emotional trauma. When faced with conflict or a request to meet their partner's emotional needs, they may say, “Why am I never enough for you? or I never do things right." They may even go so far as to denigrate themselves so that you feel pressure to abandon yourself and the whole conversation to rescue them from their overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. This also halts any progress toward the assumed common goal of resolution. This can cause the other person to avoid bringing things up altogether, which ultimately results in a sense of loneliness due to an inability to engage with their partner in a meaningful way. This victim role can also be a result of childhood emotional neglect. Difficult emotions are harder to handle if yours were never handled appropriately.
Retreating
Expressing feelings of anger, disappointment or worry may cause a person with unresolved emotional trauma to retreat, rather than attempt to meet their partner's need at that moment. Retreating or shutting down can be due to an overwhelming sense of blame or an effort to steer clear of confrontation. This could be the result of growing up in a household where there was a lot of yelling, adult tantrums, emotional incest, or emotional neglect. In an attempt to make those feelings of guilt or blame cease, your partner may shut down or even walk away.
You Become Enemies
We all get angry with our partners and may even say things we don't mean when emotions are high. Someone with unresolved emotional trauma may take this to an extreme. For a person with an unresolved emotional wound, conflict or a complaint can be a reminder of this gaping wound that was never properly attended to and the deep feelings of not being truly cared for that come with it. When this feeling is triggered, they feel attacked and therefore attack their partner. This can look like bringing up insecurities, yelling, name-calling, and/or gaslighting. I often hear couples complain that when it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad, it's really bad. This is because the relationship appears to volley between feelings of deep love and hate. When this occurs, it's hard to talk about important things in relationships, such as child rearing and finances, or to resolve conflict healthily. It can also cause the other person in the relationship to assume more responsibilities at home or even take responsibility for the health of the relationship to avoid the high negative emotion that comes with attempting to discuss these topics or other important issues with their partner. Due to the high volatility of these relationships, emotional and or physical abuse can be the result and ultimately cause the dismantling of the relationship or worse.
Conclusion
The ability to repair during conflict is the best determination of health in a relationship. These behaviors, along with others not mentioned, can make it hard for any problems that arise in the relationship to reach repair or resolution. Since our brains are always trying to protect us, it can be hard for an emotionally wounded person to realize and/or accept that their behavior is a problem. Recognizing these behaviors and how they affect your relationships can make a world of difference in not only romantic relationships but familial and platonic friendships. Unacknowledged emotional trauma/wounds can make repair seem unattainable, but there is hope. Whether you recognize this behavior in yourself or your partner, seek help from a trained Trauma Therapist and be well on your way to a healthy and more meaningful relationship and a better sense of who you are as an individual.
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Erica Walter, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Erica Walter is a Licensed Therapist, Wife, and Mother of four who recognizes that some of life's hurdles are just plain unavoidable but giving up should not be an option. Prior to becoming a therapist, Erica spent more than 15 years working in Corporate America. This experience, coupled with an array of personal challenges has enriched her value as a therapist. Erica graduated from John Brown University with a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and is also a Certified Trauma Specialist. Leading clients through self-discovery, and helping people understand how to have healthy relationships, despite past trauma is her passion.
