Katie Dixon is a psychotherapist and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Her areas of specialty include grief, complex relational trauma, self-image and anxiety disorders. Katie's mission is to support clients in identifying and exploring the possibilities that lead to lasting change and a more fulfilling life.
Everyone has experienced something traumatic in their lives. Naturally, there are varying degrees to the severity and enduring impact of trauma to any individual. This article explores the effects of emotional neglect and unrealistic standards in early life on romantic relationships in adulthood. Some readers may readily recall any trauma that meets this description. Other readers may be put off by the idea that they experienced trauma and may not want to identify with that word specifically. For anyone who relates to the latter, let’s consider another way to look at early life experiences free from labels.
Is it possible that you had some negative experiences in your childhood that still affect you in certain areas of your life today? Is your relationship an area where you experience heightened insecurities and uncertainty that you do not experience in other contexts? Is it possible that you had loving caregivers who made some mistakes? Can you accept your caregivers’ limitations in order to acknowledge that some of your emotional needs may have not been met in childhood? Can you do this in order to better understand how you are showing up in your current relationship? If any of that resonates, this article is for you. Here are further questions to consider when it comes to the ways in which unresolved past experiences may be showing up in your relationship:
Are you self-sabotaging?
If a loving relationship is something you want for yourself, but you have issues related to your sense of self-worth, you may be sabotaging the very thing you want most. Unaddressed insecurities thrive on feeding into the belief that you are not enough, that you are undeserving, unworthy or unlovable. If you had caregivers who were distracted, perpetually stressed out or otherwise unavailable to you, then you may have developed the belief that their lack of engagement was a reflection of your worth. The belief that you are unworthy is simply not true. It does not matter what you have done, what you have been through, what someone told you or the ways in which others did not show up for you. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are deserving of love. If some part of you still holds on to the belief that you are somehow unworthy, you will be more prone to sabotaging a great relationship or choosing partners who reinforce these negative beliefs about yourself. If you remain unaware or choose to ignore your unconscious beliefs and patterns, they will continue to govern your life. A skilled therapist can help if you find yourself in a frustrating pattern of self-doubt, doubting your partner and acting in ways that do not align with what you truly want for your life.
Do you prioritize your partner’s needs above your own?
Relationships undoubtedly require time and effort. You will have to consider another person in your decision making. You will have to make time for your partner and what is important to them. There will be times when it is appropriate to make sacrifices that benefit your partner while forgoing your own preferences. However, all of this should fall within some kind of balance between both partners. Do you notice a dynamic where you are overfunctioning while your partner is underfunctioning? A relationship between equals means two adults are choosing to come together to support one another and add value to one another's lives. This should not require that one partner takes on more of the adult responsibilities such as keeping track of important dates, celebration milestones, planning meals, dates and vacations, home maintenance, paying bills, child care, etc. If you are doing far more than your equal share and you are wondering what would encourage your partner to change their habits, you may need to first acknowledge that you are overfunctioning in your relationship. This behavior may stem from patterns from childhood where you were thrown into handling adult responsibilities that were not age appropriate or expected to anticipate and cater to your caregivers’ moods due to their struggle to manage their own emotions. Your inclination to overfunction in your relationship may also be a learned behavior you developed by watching one parent take on all of the responsibilities of maintaining their relationship and household which enabled your other parent to underfunction. Make no mistake that taking care of all the responsibilities for an underfunctioning partner is enabling their immature behavior. As much as you may want to believe that everything will fall apart if you don't take care of all the responsibilities, that is not the case. If you stepping back to let your partner step in would lead to everything metaphorically falling apart, then the relationship is not sustainable. You are not your partner's parent, your partner is not your project, and it is not your job to fix them or to change their behavior. It is your job to figure out what prioritizing what your needs would look like. This may require the help of a professional in a therapeutic setting to work through why you feel the need to overcompensate for your partner's willingness to let someone else take care of them.
Are you waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop?
When you have experienced past trauma, any experience of safety may feel unsafe. Love, security and anything good sends up a giant waving red flag that this is too good to be true. You may find yourself questioning, doubting, catastrophizing and assuming that something bad is about to happen. Part of your inner work here is to accept the reality that life is a summation of positive and negative experiences. There is no destination in this life that is completely free from struggles. That being said, the struggle you might face does not necessarily have to pertain to your relationship. The “other shoe dropping” does not often happen in the way we fear it will. If things are going well in your relationship, embrace the fact that it is okay to be okay. Being okay right now is not an indicator of unavoidable doom in the future. What if your relationship could be consistently wonderful? If you and your partner are committed to communicating openly and meeting each other's needs, things can stay great. If you are not used to what stability feels like on a consistent basis, this may be terrifying simply because it is unfamiliar. There is no reason to believe your relationship is destined to take a turn for the worse because you have not experienced consistency and stability in the past. For all of the challenges that come with being an adult, the beauty of it is that you are in control of your choices and behavior from here on out.
Are you preoccupied with leaving or being left?
If you experienced abandonment of any kind in your early life, this can have a profound effect on your relationships as an adult. The fear of abandonment can stem from any kind of attachment trauma related to a death, divorce, adoption, a parent leaving unexpectedly or caregivers not meeting your needs consistently. You may have a persistent fear that people you love will ultimately leave you. This fear can contribute to reassurance-seeking or monitoring and controlling your partner’s behaviors in an attempt to mitigate the likelihood of them leaving you. Your fear may also show up as emotional distance you create in an attempt to avoid getting “too attached” and reliant on your partner. Fear may also be evident when you threaten to end the relationship or break things off before your partner has a chance to leave you first. The harsh reality is that all relationships come to an end for one reason or another. Living in the constant fear of how and when that will happen prevents you from experiencing your relationship fully at this moment. Once you learn how to show up for yourself consistently, your relationships will become enjoyable rather than encumbered by the desperate need to feel in control of the outcome. This illusion of control will keep you stuck in your life. Upon recognizing it is safe to trust and rely on yourself, relationships will begin to mirror that experience.
Are you expecting your partner to save you?
Do you only feel a sense of wholeness when you are in a relationship? We are social beings and primed for connection. Therefore, it is natural to seek the security that a healthy relationship can offer. However, if you are viewing your relationship as a means to right wrongs from the past or to make you a better version of yourself, you have some inner work to do. It is undeniable that a loving relationship may inspire you to be a better version of yourself. That inspiration should be in addition to finding fulfillment and purpose in other aspects of your life. If you rely on romantic relationships to help solve your problems, you are ignoring the problems that need to be addressed whether you have a partner in your life or not. This is an inside job. Try to focus on self-reliance and view your partner as a trusted sidekick who will have your back while you tend to adult work of managing your own life.
Do you become defensive when your partner raises concerns?
If you feel attacked when your partner tries to discuss problems with you, this may be rooted in experiences of past criticism. Here is an area where you can start to improve immediately if you simply remember that when your partner brings up a grievance, concern or problem, it is actually an attempt to strengthen your bond. It is not an attack. Furthermore, anything that is brought up for discussion has to do with your partner’s needs and is not about you as much as you may believe. Even if the issue your partner presents is pointedly due to your behavior, take a moment to pause and reflect on what they are asking of you. In most cases, if you see this as an opportunity to hear your partner out, consider their needs and think about ways you can show up more intentionally for them, your problem can be easily resolved. Conversely, if you decide to take everything personally, the conversation will shift to you defending yourself or pointing out everything your partner also does that is problematic. Needless to say, none of this is helpful or productive and the hope for a reasonable resolution will be lost. Practice hearing your partner’s concerns without taking them personally. Focus on finding a solution to the problem together.
Are you normalizing abnormal behavior in your relationship?
Are you tolerating behavior that you know is not okay because it is familiar, you know how to deal with it or it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal? Just because you can handle something, doesn’t mean you should. If your partner has untreated addictions, mental health issues or an inability to manage their emotions appropriately, they may be playing a repeat role in your life. Consider how you feel as a result of your partner’s behavior and reflect on the times when your caregivers were not appropriately responsive to your needs. What is your part in this pattern? It may show up as hyper independence and a sense of not needing anyone to do anything for you. You may have gotten accustomed to handling things yourself. If this tendency is preventing your partner from addressing their own issues, you may both have past trauma that is showing up in your relationship and following the predictable steps of a dangerous dance. The danger in this lies in how easy it is to overlook one bad argument or one moment of human weakness while discounting what a pattern of behavior is telling you. Consider what you would tell a dear friend who shared the behaviors you are experiencing as being a part of their relationship. What would you say to this person? What would you feel for your friend and want for your friend? Are you showing more love and care for others than you are willing to extend to yourself? Treat yourself as someone who is worthy of being considered, who is deserving of stability and care in a relationship.
No matter what you have experienced throughout your life, you do not need to repeat frustrating dynamics just because they are familiar. Your relationship can look completely different, and sooner than you think, if you acknowledge the ways in which your past is holding you back.
Accepting that your past is part of your lived experience and can not be changed or altered will allow you to write the next chapters of your story from a new perspective. This acceptance provides an opportunity to reflect on the experiences that helped you get through life at various stages and you now recognize the behaviors that are no longer serving you. The quality of your relationship is dependent upon identifying and addressing the ways in which your past may be impacting your ability to trust yourself. A licensed therapist can help you work through any lingering fears and issues with self-esteem to help improve the quality of your relationship and your life.
Read more from Katie Dixon
Katie Dixon, Licensed Professional Counselor, Business Owner
Katie Dixon is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Through a number of personal and professional experiences, Katie realized that life's most difficult moments can lead to feelings of isolation when connection is often what is most needed. Her mission is to use the power of connection to help her clients heal from painful experiences while navigating their relationships with themselves and others from a place of greater compassion and understanding.
