Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years.
The old saying goes like this, “Everyone Makes Mistakes!” But are there mistakes or accidents in a universe that is so old and so successful at surviving? What if, you have never made a mistake in your entire life? What if, each mistake or accident made you smarter and stronger in specific ways you needed for your part in the success of this universe? To find out what is going on, read on.
“In a universe that’s an intelligent system with a divine creative force supporting it, there simply can be no accidents. As tough as it is to acknowledge, you had to go through what you went through to get to where you are today, and the evidence is that you did. – Wayne Dyer, psychologist
“But, Lance was kind of a wild child.”
Lance was 23 years old, bright, handsome…one of those nice guys. He was the youngest of three with two devoted but older sisters. His parents were divorced but kept their relationship cordial and stayed close to all their children.
But, Lance was kind of a wild child. His family doted on him. He was their ‘baby boy‘ with a bright future ahead of him. Lance loved fast cars and playing the edges of the drug scene. He wasn’t what you would call reckless. But, he was naive and easily got caught up in the risky behaviours of others.
His parents cosigned the loan for his high-end, cherry-red, sports car with which he collected several speeding tickets from the local police. He was polite when stopped by them but reluctant to adjust his approach to his driving or his life.
And, Lance had a girlfriend, Lora, also 23, who shared his enthusiasm for the fast lane. They had been dating for two years and it was serious. They hadn’t talked about marriage yet, but, it was just a matter of time once they both finished their education. Lance was studying the hard sciences, engineering, while Lora was focused on the soft ones in education.
“…I have only one question for you…”
Everything changed in a big way because of a small patch of black ice on a winter road late at night. Lance’s car skidded into a deep ditch and flipped over. It took Lora’s life and left Lance in hospital for over six months with multiple injuries.
Lance arrived in my office still struggling to sit in a chair, getting up periodically to ease his back pains and deeply depressed about all his losses in life. His referral noted his mental state was so poor, it was slowing down his physical recovery.
Lance seemed to be still in a state of shock. There were no visible scars to be seen, but his demeanour was distant, disinterested and very down. When I asked him how I could serve him he replied,
“I don’t think you can!”
“Lance, if you believe that, then, what was it that got you to come here this morning?” I asked.
“My insurance company was somewhat persuasive when they referenced ‘the strings and timeline’ on their support,” he said, a hint of anger in his voice.
“I can work with that! Since you decided to come here today and given what I read in your file, I have only one question for you, Lance.”
“Well, if you read my file then you already know I’ve lost everything!” he said sullenly.
“You have certainly lost a lot, Lance. But, not everything! I’m wondering what you thought you were entitled to before your collision occurred?” I asked to see if he was open to learning about his sadness.
“Belief systems thrive in circumstances of collision. They are energized by their opposites.” – James P. Carse, historian
“Do you want to feel better fast?”
“Before January 27, I was entitled to everything. And, I was on the road to everything I wanted. I had someone who loved me, a career strategy, a loving family, good friends, even a nice car…I had it all!” he replied, defiantly.
“Lance, with all due respect to you and what happened to you, that suggests to me you were very naive about what life is really about!”
“Are you trying to tell me I wasn’t entitled to those things, Ken?” he asked, shock covering his face.
“In my experience, we are only entitled to one thing in life…an opportunity to live a life. Every other thing must be worked for and paid for…without exception!”
“Are you trying to tell me I’m supposed to feel lucky I’m alive?”
“Lance, let me present it another way. Do you want to feel better fast? It is simple and works!” I said.
“I sure would! I’m so tired of people telling me to get on with my life. They don’t know how things look from my side!” he said, depressing himself again.
“It sounds like you are focused only on your losses. What about your gains?”
“I suggest you go and take a seat in the waiting room of the oncology department at our hospital. Just sit there and observe the people who are waiting for their chemo treatments. It may help you learn how lucky you are to have your challenges instead of theirs.”
He paused for a minute to process this thought and image, before saying in a quieter voice,
“I suppose there is some truth to that, isn’t there?”
“Lance, if you went to sit in that waiting room at the hospital, you would be just broadening your perspective on your life. I can help you do that for any perspective you have about anything in your past, present or future. Would that interest you?”
“I’m not sure, Ken! Everything seems so dark. I don’t see any light at all!” he said, his voice now getting husky with emotion and his eyes watering.
“It sounds like you are focused only on your losses. But, what about your gains, Lance?”
“Gains? What gains? I don’t see any gains!” he replied, frustration and anger spreading across his youthful face.
“I don’t believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents.” – Pablo Picasso, artist
“The first one is a willingness to learn…consider old ideas from new perspectives.”
“Lance, tell me the biggest losses you are seeing.”
“Ken, the three biggest are Lora, my health and my independence! I’ve become a lonely, sickly, dependent cripple!”
“Lance, I can help you if you agree to two things. Do you want to know what those two things are?”
“I don’t think anyone can help me. I will listen…but skeptically!” he said.
“Cool! Skeptics ask the tough questions to accelerate their learning…which serves my work well. The first is a willingness to learn…to consider old ideas from new perspectives. Will you agree to do that Lance?”
“What old ideas are you talking about, Ken?” he asked, demonstrating his caution.
“Life, death, loss, gain…ideas of that sort.”
“After my recent experiences, I think about those things a lot more…so I guess I can agree to that Ken,” he replied.
“The ideal man bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances.” – Aristotle, philosopher
“Focusing on feelings de-powers you while focusing on thinking em-powers you...
“Ok! The second one is to focus on what you think, instead of, how you feel.” I said.
“Why would I do that? I don’t want to not feel, what I want to do is not think so much!”
“I need you to focus on what empowers you. Focusing on feelings de-powers you while focusing on thinking, empowers you. It is our biology…how our mind works!”
“Ken, are you suggesting to me if I focus on what I think instead of what I feel, I will be able to get past where I am right now?” his skepticism staring at me again.
“You have got it exactly, Lance! I will never, repeat never, ask you how you feel about anything…I don’t care because if you decide to focus on how you think instead, you can learn quickly how to move forward in your life. Does that interest you? Do you agree to do that in our sessions?”
“I guess I should give it a try, eh?”
“You’re seriously telling me I can learn to get back to some sort of life if I will work with you on my thinking?”, disbelief covered his face as he stood up to relieve his back pain by moving.
“Yes, I am, Lance! Are you game for this? Because we can start right now if you are!” I said.
“I guess I should give it a try, eh?” he said.
“My best guess would be that Lori would want you to…would she not?” I asked, to see if he was ready to talk about what had happened to him.
He gave me a look of surprise but nodded in the affirmative. And this is where Lance began his journey back to his life and his future. We started with the grief he carried for his loss of Lori, then his time in recovery and then, his direction in his future.
“…taking nothing for granted and appreciating everything and everyone!”
When he understood the natural law of balance and then had proven to himself it applied to him, he started looking carefully for what he had actually gained since his collision. They were there, as they always are, but finding them was transformative for Lance.
As he described the loss of Lori’s devotion, he noticed and started appreciating, its new forms in his family and friends’ support to him since.
The year he thought he lost in recovery, he noticed he had gained a new appreciation for his need to take care of his health and safety. And, his lost direction in life he realized was now a more specific direction in the form of environmental engineering.
As he continued his journey over the next few months, Lance’s physical recovery was also enhanced. His new pain management skills enabled him to focus on what he controlled, rather than, what he didn’t. This reduced his stress and gave him more energy and motivation for planning and implementing his new future.
In our last session five months after we met, Lance had returned to his previous summer’s job at a local takeout and was planning on resuming his studies. He had moved out of his parent’s house where he had been living since his collision and was now thinking it was time to start dating again.
One of his last comments to me when I asked how he was thinking about his future now, went something like this,
“Ken, once you understand the law of balance, you become less fearful and more careful…taking nothing for granted and appreciating everything and everyone!”
“Accidents happen and all of that, but it’s how we pick ourselves up from the accidents that matters.” – Aquaria, writer
Points to ponder and remember
The latest research from the James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) indicates our universe is at least 40 billion years old.
To last that long indicates everything in our universe has a purpose to play in its continued successful existence.
That means every event, including the events of our life, is purposeful to contribute to the ongoing survival of our universe.
Therefore, there can be no mistakes in our lives, only opportunities to learn to contribute more consciously, and less unconsciously, to the ongoing universe.
What Lance perceived as an accident or a mistake was his opportunity to learn, more clearly and consciously, how he could contribute to the evolution of this universe.
Accidents serve each human being in this way to ensure the universe continues.
When you can see this going on, repeatedly, in your life, you will have gained the awareness (wisdom) to appreciate each moment you have to live.
This wisdom rebuilds the self-esteem and self-confidence needed for the future that you had at your birth.
This wisdom reveals the appreciation for life that you can see in many our elders.
This wisdom unleashes the energy, focus, creativity and inspiration each of us carries to design our destiny.
Read more from Ken Pierce
Ken Pierce, Executive Psychologist, Human Behaviour Expert
Ken Pierce is a board-certified, evolutionary psychologist, human behaviour expert and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc.(TPI) Ken has authored 14 psychological works including seven books and created 400 case-study-based web-posts. He has worked in business consultation, education and private practice for over 40 years serving thousands of people of all ages including individuals, couples, leaders, teams and organizations.daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
