Written by: Ajabeyang Amin, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We live in a patriarchal society and there are many privileges to being male. Men can date women a lot younger than them without it causing a fuss, they can walk almost anywhere at any time of the day with limited fear of sexual assault, and they get paid more than women. Because of these and other reasons, I didn’t think much about the pressure men carry until I started working with them in therapy.
As a psychologist, I quickly saw that the responsibility that comes with the privilege is sometimes overwhelming. Story after story, seemingly well put together men bear heavy burdens, rejection from their dads, physical and sexual abuse, shattered marriages, unrequited love, disrespect, and more. All the while, people around expect them to “be strong,” do more, and be more.
Many times, we have no idea what the men around us could be dealing with. We might be viewing them through the lens of their titles as businessman, CEO, police officer, pastor, father, husband, etc. We might not consider that even though they are those things, they could also be going through cancer, recovering from a heart attack, struggling with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or using alcohol to help them sleep. These are not mutually exclusive for the men I have witnessed in therapy. Men equally struggle with mental disorders and health issues. In some cases, worse off than women.
For example, in the U.S., when adjusted by age, men’s death rates from cancer and heart disease are 80% and 50% higher, respectively, than those of women. Additionally, men are more successful than women in completing suicides. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, men died by suicide 3.6 times more often than women in 2019. Hearing such data has to make us wonder: why are our men struggling and why don’t we see that they are struggling? Is it because men are not expected to have serious problems? Do we expect them to “get over it” quickly? Could it be that the pressures men experience are damaging their wellbeing?
I recently had a conversation with a middle-aged man who said society is not concerned about knowing men’s problems; it is less acceptable for men to have issues and even voice them.
Where does that leave him and other men? Feeling shame, a whole lot of it. The unpleasant feeling that there is something dishonorable about who they are and what they are doing. This prompts them to hide even more. It leads to what I’ve heard some men say, that it is all on them, they have no one to fall back on, not only for support but also when they are in desperate situations. With more confirmation that it is unsafe to express vulnerability and allow themselves to be truly seen, the shame grows in the silence. Then, it is masked with anger, shutting down, isolation, and substance abuse.
Can we lighten the burden on our men?
Doesn’t having problems make us human? Isn’t it human to feel and express emotions? Isn’t it human to struggle? Does the fact that we have problems diminish the fact that we are strong? Can’t men be emotional, vulnerable, and strong all at the same time?
Strength is acknowledging the hardships and doing what you can to take care of your responsibilities. Strength is feeling your feelings regardless of how painful they are. Strength is accepting that some days are tougher than others. Strength is knowing when you’ve had enough. Strength is knowing when to rest. Strength is knowing that not everyone deserves your vulnerability but there are a few that can handle it. It is knowing who those few people are and taking a chance on being real with them. Strength is getting a good night’s sleep, eating good food, and getting a good workout. Strength is taking action and not letting yourself be overcome by fear. Strength is knowing when to ask for help even professional help such as psychotherapy. Strength is going to the doctor for a medical checkup. Strength is being patient with yourself and persevering when things take time. Strength is accepting your humanity and knowing that you are not alone. Are these not qualities we want in our men?
For more resources for men, visit https://headsupguys.org/ If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. Visit https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ for more info!
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Ajabeyang Amin, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Ajabeyang Amin is a psychologist, Christian counselor, and blogger. She founded the blog, African Mind Healer where she writes on mental health, culture, and faith. She is dedicated to helping people heal from their traumas, get unstuck from their past, blossom to authenticity, and do the things they are called to do. She has helped multiple individuals and couples work through various life challenges. She is inspired by her faith, her clients, her experiences living in multiple countries (Cameroon, Senegal, Ghana, France, El-Salvador) and 5 U.S. states, and by being a highly sensitive person. She holds a PsyD in counseling psychology from Northwest University, an MPH from University of Michigan, and a BS from Penn State University. As you read her writing, her unique background and perspective might just inspire you to take a pause and think about your life.
