Written by: Nad Philips, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do we live in an era where one must pay a professional to feel truly loved? Before invoking the codes of professional conduct, ethics and deontology let’s see what we mean by this new love of sorts.
Currently, coaching has borrowed from psychotherapy and calls the relationship between a coach and a coachee an “alliance”. I do not fully subscribe to that since Alliance evokes mostly military alliances to wage wars.
The coaching relationship itself plays a pivotal role in the success of the intervention and the coaching outcome; this is why in some cases it is more than an alliance or a contract.
According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, love as an emotion is a micro-moment of resonance between two individuals. Where each party invests in the well-being of the other just because he is worth it.
What does it mean to resonate with someone?
It means sharing positive emotions, bio-behavioral synchronization, and mutual care.
If resonant interactions are repeated regularly in the course of the relationship it creates a strong bond, trust, engagement, loyalty, and an embodied rapport between the two individuals. What I call prosocial relationships. They are cooperative, healthy, and caring.
Similarly, the research results of Dr. Jane Dutton point in the same direction for what she calls high-quality connections (HQC). A relationship is made of interactions and connections. It is our responsibility to ensure that these connections are solid, and these interactions are fruitful and beneficial.
How to create HQC?
Respectful engagement (treating others with love and respect)
Task enablement (enabling and empowering others to perform)
Trust (self-disclosure, providing feedback, and regulating the relationship)
From an attachment theory point of view, the coachee has an attachment relationship with the coach. Hence the coach needs to exhibit a secure attachment style in the coaching relationship to help the coachee build the mental model that enables him to build secure relationships, opening the way to flourishing.
From a “Prosocial Relational design TM” framework it is a relationship where the two parties have individualized consideration for one another equilibrating the two polar needs: 1) belonging (creating “we”) from one side and 2) Individuation from the other (becoming self in our singularity with a big “I” on the way to self-actualization).
Now let’s examine the coach’s stance, mindset, and posture:
Wants the success of the coachee ( no competition/one-upmanship nor jealousy)
Accepts and includes the coachee as she is (no judgment, the coachee can be seen, and heard and be herself without hiding behind a persona)
Totally present with the coachee (empathy, compassion, understanding, resonating, and synchronizing)
Cares for the coachee (cares about and cares for, healing, soothing)
Provides a “safe haven” (ensures psychological safety and a refuge for the coachee to build self-trust, self-efficacy, and become agentic).
Holds the space for autonomy (helps develop self-authoring)
Trusts and upholds the coachee in high esteem and believes in his abilities.
Encourages a growth mindset (provides feedback and feedforward; encourages grit and resilience)
Now if this is not love; I wouldn’t know how to call it. What other relationship answers the intrinsic needs of the coachee more fully?
Some people tell me that the coach is paid good money for his services. Yes, exactly you can’t buy love. You can buy a service, not a relationship.
Now can this be systematically implemented in all coaching situations?
Evidently not. This could be too confronting for a coachee exhibiting avoidant attachment for instance. Some others seek a coach more as an accountability partner.
However, it has been my experience that many are seeking a coaching relationship that provides a healthy balance of love and respect (what Mikulincer and Shaver called comfortable intimacy and flexible autonomy) to enable them to grow and flourish.
Ancient Greeks had identified many different expressions of love depending on the nature of the relationship whether it is Philia, Eros, Agape, Storgé, or Charis; and now our era birthed a new kind of love between a coach and a coachee. Do you have ideas about what should I call it?
The tentative Greek name I am thinking of is: “Harmonia”. Let me know your thoughts.
Nad Philips, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nad is an adult learning and development, global consultant. He specializes in helping teams design prosocial relationships and become future fit. Prior to coaching Nad served as European VP and MD France for a Fortune 500 company. He was an honorary professor with ESSEC Business school. Nad also launched several startups in Europe. He is an Amazon best-selling author and lives in Paris, France.
