Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting in Libertyville, Illinois. She is also the owner of and writer for epijennetics.com, a website that explores the mental shifts that lead to healthy expression of self and healthy connection to others.
The term co-dependency has often been used to describe or label individuals in unhealthy or toxic relationships and is thrown around casually to imply that there is something “unhealthy” about the individuals in these types of relationships. However, in my clinical work doing Schema Therapy, I have not found a place for this term in conceptualizing unhealthy relationships or those that gravitate towards engaging in them. Rather, I conceptualize these individuals as having one or more influential schemas that drive behaviors such as tolerating or engaging in unhealthy relationships.
What is a schema?
The term “schema” is an educational term that has to do with how we learn. As we grow up and gather information from the world around us, we slowly piece together the information into blueprints for interpreting future information. As we age, we continue sorting new information through the blueprints or “schemas” we have already formed. Our schemas typically make a lot of sense in the context of our childhoods. For example, an individual who was bullied in school growing up is likely to form a strong Mistrust/Abuse schema which causes them to believe that everyone is going to mistreat or abuse them and leads to strong feelings of mistrust in others. If not challenged, the emotional reasoning the individual does as an adult will likely prevent them from forming healthy relationships and experiencing trustworthy relationships that might challenge their schema. This cyclical reinforcement is how most Early Maladaptive Schemas (the eighteen schemas assessed for in Schema Therapy) cause long-term mental health and relationship problems, such as Self-Sacrifice schema, Entitlement schema, and Dependency schema. These three schemas better explain the behaviors and patterns of individuals who engage in unhealthy relationships than the term co-dependency does.
What is self-sacrifice schema?
Individuals with a high Self-Sacrifice Schema were likely raised by parents who weren’t attentive to their emotional needs growing up, or who communicated intentionally or unintentionally that others don’t want to be “bothered” with their emotions. They got the message that they should be un-needy, independent, and other-focused. It is possible that these parents were caught up in the dysfunction of their marriage, were preoccupied with taking care of a sibling with special needs, or were emotionally unavailable for some other reason. Whatever the reason, the parents chronically sent the message that the needs of others come first and that not being selfish is the best way to be and the children learned to cope with their emotional needs not being met. They then strived to be mindful of the needs of others and to avoid creating any emotional burden. Children who grow up to be Self-Sacrificing typically have developed high levels of empathy and have finely tuned “emotional radars”, taking on the responsibility of reading others, attempting to meet those needs, and learning to manage their environment. Individuals with a high Self-Sacrifice schema often stay in a toxic relationship because they focus their attention on feeling empathy for and understanding their partner and feel too guilty to prioritize their feelings and needs over their partner’s.
What is entitlement schema?
Entitlement Schema is often present in individuals whose parents over-focused on their child’s performance rather than on their emotions or how they engage in relationships. Individuals who learn early in life to apply their focus to their performance (self-focus) and on gaining or earning the approval and validation of others are often insensitive to the needs of others and lack empathy. This results in them inadvertently hurting others through neglect or selfish behaviors. Due to their need to always perform well, these individuals often lack self-awareness, especially regarding their imperfections, and become very defensive when held accountable by others. Since they lack the empathy to see things from another’s perspective and aren’t often thinking about the feelings of others (other-focused behavior) they try to gain what they seek through manipulative tactics rather than through true vulnerable communication. Entitlement results in the individual blowing through the boundaries of others to get their needs met, ignoring the needs of others, and often seeming careless and insensitive. Individuals who have a high Entitlement Schema are likely to stay in relationships that are unhealthy because they are getting their needs met by their partner, often by force, and because they are often so focused on how they appear that they don’t want to admit that they couldn’t make the marriage or relationship work or to look bad to others.
What is dependency schema
Dependency schema is formed in individuals who have repeatedly gotten the message throughout childhood that they don’t have what it takes to make good choices, take care of things, or perform sufficiently. Perhaps raised by a helicopter parent or critical parent, these individuals have not had adequate opportunities to achieve and feel skilled and capable. Maybe they weren’t allowed to tackle difficult problems, make their own choices, or learn from making mistakes. Perhaps their efforts were not affirmed by parents as adequate and successful, resulting in the child looking more and more to others to handle their life for them and to take care of them, believing that they don’t have what it takes to do it for themselves. Adults with a high dependency schema often look to their partners to do the important or adult tasks in their lives, feeling that they don’t have what it takes to do it themselves or believing that others can do it better. Individuals with a high Dependency Schema may stay in a toxic relationship because they don’t feel capable of taking care of themselves if they leave.
Healing schemas
Individuals who are interested in doing schema therapy often question how knowing their schemas will impact their mental health and help them live a more satisfying life. There are often quite a few steps involved in healing the schemas that negatively impact an individual.
The first step to doing Schema Therapy is completing a Schema Assessment. This involves reading a variety of statements and rating from 1-6 how one identifies with the statement. Once the assessment is completed it is scored resulting in a low, medium, high, or very high score in each of 18 schemas.
Once the schema assessment is completed the therapist will share the results and go over the potential formation, impact, and treatment of each schema. Exploring the potential formation of the schema through discussing the individual’s childhood helps to provide insight as to why an individual has formed the schema and offers opportunities for self-compassion and inner-child healing. It often provides clarity as to why an individual thinks, feels, and acts how they do and helps the individual understand their triggers.
Treating schemas in therapy often involves a lot of self-reflection and reality testing. For example, someone with a high Dependency schema may become triggered at the thought of getting their own apartment. Yet, if they recognize what is occurring they can pause and reality test the belief that they can’t live alone by looking at other times in their life they have accomplished things on their own. Once they recognize that the feelings of anxiety they are having are coming from their Dependency schema and reality test those feelings they often discover that the best next step is to prove to themselves that they can. This lessens rather than reinforces the schema.
Processing feelings in therapy is a great way to uncover schemas that are being triggered and to help individuals understand that their feelings, although valid in that their child-self experienced them, don’t need to determine their next steps. They can choose to be self-validating and comforting to their child-self while reassuring themselves that their adult self is capable, despite whatever feelings are present.
If you are someone who identifies as chronically acting in Self-Sacrificing or Entitled ways, or is bouncing back and forth depending on the situation or relationship, your work is to first identify which you are acting out of. Take the time to figure out how to balance honoring your feelings and honoring the feelings of others, creating boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others, taking and giving, etc.
Regardless of which schemas you identify with, the work of maturing and being healthy in relationships always involves first acknowledging your feelings and needs, exploring your triggers and reactions, owning your feelings, needs, and behaviors, and practicing healthy and vulnerable communication with others.
If you identify with any of these schemas commit to doing the work needed to heal your schemas. Healing your schemas will change how you act in relationships and will free you from feeling stuck in unhealthy ones. If you struggle with feelings of guilt, as most Self-Sacrificing individuals do, or shame, as most Entitled individuals do, work through these feelings in therapy. Allow the emotionally healthy individuals you have in your life to hold you accountable if you are being too forgiving or passive in your relationships or if you are being too self-absorbed and insensitive in your relationships. Continually self-affirm your feelings and perspectives without minimizing or dismissing them and show others that you respect yourself and that you demand respect. If all else fails, make peace with walking away from unhealthy individuals. It is better to be alone and be peaceful than to walk into a relationship that is ultimately going to bring you turmoil and cause you to question yourself.
Start growing today
Processing the idea of being Self-Sacrificing may feel overwhelming at first but the more you understand how Self-Sacrificing drives unwanted mental health symptoms and unsatisfying relationship patterns, the more motivated you will likely be to start taking steps toward change. Begin trying to understand the schema and how it prevents you from ultimately getting the life that you want. Embrace the idea of growth and start taking those courageous steps towards acting in healthier and more entitled ways. Gather support from healthy individuals in your life and from a professional if possible so that you gain outside perspective on whether you are being Self-Sacrificing. If you are in the state of Illinois and would like to work together in therapy, feel free to reach out through my website. I’m rooting for you!
Read more from Jennifer Martin Rieck
Jennifer Martin Rieck, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting and epijennetics.com, a website that explores healthy self-expression and healthy connection to others. She specializes in working with individuals who struggle to break free from Narcissistic or Self-Sacrificing relationship patterns.
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