Written by: Belkis Clarke-Mitcham, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A lot of people get scared when they hear the word trauma. They imagine a physical injury that will be serious and take a long time to heal. But, the truth is that there are other types of trauma, too ‒ emotional traumas can leave just as deep a wound on your life and your psyche. Psychological injuries or hardships should be taken as seriously as physical ones. This is a great time to find out what resources are available, so you feel back to being your best self again.
When your emotional trauma is not healed, the impact will likely be carried into your relationships. Traumatic experiences in life that are not resolved hurt how you see yourself. To have a healthy relationship, you need to have a healthy sense of self and place in the world.
Past abuse is one such type of emotional trauma that can significantly impact your relationships. It can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and fear that are hard to overcome. Even if you feel like you are over the abuse, it can still affect your relationships. It is essential to be aware of how trauma affects your relationships because this will help you better understand the needs of yourself and others in your life.
The effects of abuse can be seen in a variety of ways. The most common is the inability to trust others and the feeling that the abuser is always watching. Many people who have been abused feel a sense of shame or embarrassment, which makes it difficult for them to share their stories with others. This may lead them to isolate themselves from family and friends, as well as from potential romantic partners
Let's look at trauma's origins and symptoms and how it can affect people's relationships, and what you can do about it!
Beginnings and impact of emotional trauma
Emotional injuries happen when a person feels threatened. This could include someone such as a school bully or abuser who victim shames, children who are molested or abused, people who lose their job or divorced from their spouse, deaths of loved ones, traumatic accidents.
It is important to note that whether or not the trauma occurred early in your life, it impacts how you experience yourself and the world. If the trauma happened during childhood, it would have a different effect than if it happened as an adult. Younger people can be more vulnerable and have a lower chance of coping with trauma, which means they will likely have more lasting scars from what happens to them.
How do we cope? We have an instinct to protect ourselves, most often by finding ways to cut ourselves off. One example is denial, where we refuse to accept that something has upset us. Another type is dissociation, where we try not to be reminded of the pain of the past. And then there's repression ‒ when memories are forgotten. The symptoms of unresolved traumas can range from addictions to conflict-avoidance and anxiety to depression and a lack of self-worth.
The Impact on Relationships
It's unhealthy for relationships if you live with unresolved wounds and bring those behaviors to your present relationships. This is because the past will always be present in the form of anger, bitterness, and resentment. Bringing what you can't get over into the present will only lead to more pain and hardship for you and your partner.
When you stop addressing your emotional state after a traumatic event, the wounds will continue to fester. They will grow in intensity and pain until you finally face them head-on. Facing them head-on means taking the time to understand what happened, why it happened, how it impacted you, what your needs are, and how you will deal with it.
Furthermore, unresolved trauma may be the root of how you perceive and treat yourself ‒ and these feelings will come out in your thoughts, words, and actions. These wounds will show up in your relationships. Usually, they do not show you up in a positive way.
Additionally, when trauma remains unresolved, there will likely be frequent triggers; that is, sometimes, behaviors of others or certain situations may remind us of the original trauma. The key is to figure out why. For example, if someone says "I'm sorry" and you feel like you're being judged or criticized, then that's a trigger for you. It may remind you of previous trauma in which someone said "I'm sorry," and then they did not mean it.
Another example is that a child who has emotionally distant or physically absent parents might feel powerless, anxious, and rejected when their spouse comes home late from work.
When you are triggered, people who care about you may mean well, but that doesn't stop you from feeling attacked. Moreover, if you see yourself as unworthy, you may not effectively communicate or protect your worth in relationships.
You tend to see the world through your traumatic experiences.
You may see the world through your traumatic experiences. If you've experienced a traumatic event, you might react to something minor in the same way you responded to the traumatic experience. This is called "trauma rewiring" and can make it difficult for individuals with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to process new information. A trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you recover, and coaching that openly addresses trauma can help individuals see the world and their relationships in a new way.
Resolving the unresolved
You are not alone in your trauma.
Trauma can be a powerful force in shaping an individual's life. It is not a secret that many people experience trauma. But what if it happened to you? What can be done to resolve unresolved trauma?
Many of us have been traumatized at some point in our lives. These are some ways to address and heal from it so that you can experience a more positive effect on your life and relationships:
Understand trauma and its impact.
Trauma can be defined as an emotional response to a terrible event that causes intense fear, helplessness, or horror. It can manifest in different ways, such as flashbacks or recurring nightmares. It's important to remember that one does not need to have been physically injured to be traumatized. Speak to a professional therapist or coach to see if there are behaviors in your life revolving around past traumatic incidents.
Share your story. Get a journal and write about your past and present experiences.
Writing can be a powerful coping mechanism for people experiencing difficult, traumatic, and upsetting events. By writing about feelings and emotions in a journal, you can feel better and process what's going on in your life.
Or listen to a close friend telling you what happened to them, then share your story. Our story is constantly evolving. Along the way, you may find clues to your past experiences and understand how it is impacting your present reality. In some ways, we are shaped by our past experiences.
Furthermore, implicit memory is one of the most powerful influences on how we think, feel, and behave. The phrase "implicit memory" refers to how our brains encode information without conscious awareness. Implicit memories are created when we learn something outside of our conscious awareness, such as learning skills like riding a bike. These memories can influence us in powerful ways, for better or worse.
Develop witness consciousness. Become the observer of every thought & feeling.
Developing witness consciousness can help improve mental health, reduce anxiety, and keep the body from being stressed. Witness consciousness is when you practice observing your thoughts and feelings and what is happening to your body at a particular moment in time—this practice helps you be less judgmental of yourself.
In your relationships, start to know the difference between "this is that" and "this isn't that." When your significant other is late, it can be just that. They were held up and are late. Be aware of the self-talk that starts your negative spiral or negative reaction.
The first step to overcoming your triggers and not having a negative spiral is to be mindful of what you're doing, thinking, and feeling. Are you getting triggered by something that someone says or does? Are you focusing on the negative aspects of a situation? If so, take a time out. And remember that the self-talk that starts your negative spiral is often just your mind's natural defense against feeling pain.
Share the trigger. When you start to notice that you're feeling triggered, and you realize that what you are feeling is not valid for the present situation, say, "I feel triggered (by what you said or did)." This is an effective way to step outside of the emotional response and reflect and name the emotion for what it is.
Emotions are an integral part of our human experience. They can be like a roller coaster; sometimes they make us happy, and other times they make us sad. When we feel triggered by something someone said or did, it's essential to step outside of the emotional response and reflect on what the emotion is. Defining the emotion for what it is is an effective way to choose how you want to handle your feelings. It is also a powerful way to share your experience without adding any blame.
Develop emotional resilience. Emily Dickinson provides us with a powerful reflection on dealing with negative feelings when she wrote, "The best way out is through." By accepting your feelings instead of pushing them away, you can let go and move forward.
It's normal to feel anger, frustration, and sadness when you have been hurt. But when you're constantly feeling these emotions, it can be hard to keep moving forward. It's important to deal with your feelings healthily to start feeling better.
Let yourself feel the sadness and rage. Find out where the feeling is in your body ‒ maybe it's as simple as tension in your throat? In your stomach? Then become aware of it and do something about it! Engaging with those emotions is how you learn from, grow from, and rise from the trauma.
Learn new ways of self-soothing. Healing, in many ways, centers around finding comfort for yourself.
Many of us go through life not knowing how to self-soothe. It can feel like we're always looking for comfort outside of ourselves to heal. But the truth is, it is internal. When we know this, healing becomes much simpler and quicker.
Maybe find some new activities that are soothing to you or are relatively simple to do? Perhaps a warm bath, a walk-in nature, yoga, meditation? Finding out what works best for you will then positively affect your relationships. It overflows into your relationships when you learn to care for yourself and love yourself. This makes for a healthy space for a relationship to thrive.
Consider the spiritual dimension. Think about your life as a journey instead of just a one-time event. You are part of a bigger picture. Journaling can be a great way of reflecting on your pain while connecting with your inner self and God, your higher power.
Journaling is recording one's thoughts or feelings in written form. It can be therapeutic, helping people cope with their thoughts and feelings. It can also be used to document one's journey through life. It can be a great way to reflect on your pain while also looking at the bigger picture.
Many people have found that journaling while processing their painful life experiences has helped them come to some great realizations, such as being more assertive, more alive, and more compassionate for others. Others have found prayer, meditation, and Bible teachings to be helpful in their healing journey and rediscovering happiness.
Take time—all the time you need. Everyone heals differently.
The amount of time it takes to heal from emotional trauma varies from person to person. There's no set time frame for when someone should be healed. The best thing you can do is give yourself all the time you need to heal, and don't be hard on yourself if it takes longer than expected.
If you feel overwhelmed, take a break or pause for a while.
Healing emotional trauma is just as important as healing a broken bone because it's crucial for living a life that's whole. It's easy to forget that emotional trauma is a form of injury. It can affect a person's physical and mental health, relationships with others, and ability to create a life that feels whole. When you heal, you'll be able to make more meaningful connections with people in your life and experience more genuine intimacy.
If you need someone to talk to, Belkis Clarke stands ready and able to help you navigate the challenges you or a loved one is facing. Visit our website www.belkisclarke.com or email info@belkisclarke.com.
Belkis Clarke-Mitcham, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Belkis is a captivating, insightful Communication Trainer, Empowerment Expert, Catalytic Life Coach, and International Speaker who possesses a unique gift of delivering messages that transform lives that echo long after she leaves the stage. Her inspirational, power packed delivery leaves her audience in awe.
After her experience with childhood sexual abuse and later domestic violence, belkis researched extensively and developed strategies to truly live a happy and exceptional life after emotional hurt and turmoil. She has since dedicated her life to helping other women thrive after abuse and emotional pain, rebuild their self-confidence and purpose, make better decisions and learn to speak up for themselves and communicate effectively.
She is CEO of Belkis Clarke LLC and Reaching Beyond Your Now™ with clients across the globe. A dynamic and sought-after speaker/trainer Belkis has delivered at St. Eustatius government functions, St. Maarten National Youth Council, The University of the Southern Caribbean, Nagico Insurance, Churches, Schools retreats, conferences, and seminars globally. She is the author of the book Girl, you are overthinking it! How to step out of negative thoughts and jumpstart a new way of thinking. She has co-hosted a series and done live coaching on the radio show Meet the Elite and hosts Wednesday Wisdom on Z95 (95.5 FM in Corpus Christi, Texas). Her mission is to see women genuinely know themselves beyond negative experiences and live the kind of lives they do not want to escape from.
