Written by: Raeesa Mahomed, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
All of us will find ourselves in a situation we don’t like at some point in our lives – most likely many times. Our feelings will range from being mildly uncomfortable to the other end of the spectrum – something that causes us extreme anguish. We all react in different ways and often are completely ill equipped to deal with the situation. Some might do nothing to avoid conflict or through sheer overwhelm, others might overreact and others might be reduced to misery. A method I use with my clients has proved to be very useful in approaching difficult or unwanted situations or people. This system can’t fail – purely because whatever option one chooses or resorts to, it is arrived at through a methodical approach that has taken all the necessary factors into account.
Basically, you have four options when faced with any difficult or unwanted situation. These are:
1. CHANGE YOURSELF
I put this first because we should always start with ourselves first if change is required. After all, the person we have the most control over is ourself. We have limited control over situations and very little over other people. The first step to dealing with a situation you don’t like, whether it’s at home, work, a relationship with a friend/partner or absolutely anything, is first looking within. Is there something you can change about yourself that will ease tensions or make the situation more manageable? For example, if you’re having problems in your marriage, can you become more understanding/caring/compassionate/giving with your spouse? Are you the problem? If it’s work, will you be able to change the dynamic with a ‘difficult’ manager by changing your approach from confrontational to co-operative? There are countless ways one can make changes to one’s own behaviour depending on the situation, circumstances and personalities involved. I always coach my clients to be cautious here though. Only change if this does not compromise your basic values or ethics and if it is in the interests of a better outcome. Ultimately, it’s about deciding what you are prepared to do and what sits comfortably with you. These are decisions that need to be made after taking all the necessary factors into account.
2. CHANGE THE SITUATION
This is something most people start with first. If we dislike something, we are programmed to believe that we are right and the other person is wrong or there’s something wrong with the way things are and we try to change it. But for the reasons mentioned above, this approach should be the second choice. If we have done the self-reflection and examination and are convinced that we are either right or have tried to change and that doesn’t work, then it’s time to have serious conversations with the other players involved. Maybe your spouse’s behaviour is problematic for certain reasons or there is an external factor that is impacting on the situation. If so, the necessary conversations need to be had with a view to bringing about change. Bear in mind that the latter might (and usually isn’t) a quick and simple process. It could mean counselling, long term efforts on the part of both parties or whatever is required. I am not by any means glossing over the effort this might require. The point is recognising the intervention required and then acting on it. Again, this is true of any situation – your boss , relationships with your parents, issues with your teenager etc.
If options two and three fail or are only partially successful, you can put either three or four into action, with neither being more preferable over the other. It depends on the situation.
3. ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is very powerful. If you are unable to change anything, accept things as they are and make your peace with it. It is important to understand that this is not giving in. It is allowing a situation to be without resisting continually. It is knowing you have done your best to improve things and are now allowing the universe to take its course or leaving it to a Higher power. There is great peace to be found like this. Often, this act of taking a step back actually brings about the desired outcome. For example, a client of mine had been trying desperately to fall pregnant. She and her husband had tried every intervention and she began obsessing about it. I took her on as a client on the proviso that we will not concentrate on her fertility issues at all and just work on her – her values, emotions and beliefs. As she progressed through my programme and learnt to let go of her obsession to fall pregnant and accept the situation, she underwent a transformation, from high stress, anxiety and obsessive behaviours to one of calm acceptance and self-love. A few weeks after finishing my programme, she fell pregnant without any medical intervention. Her acceptance of the situation as well as raising her energies allowed things to take their course naturally. Again, don’t accept something if it goes totally against your beliefs and values and it leaves you miserable. Acceptance should leave you in a happier frame of mind, not worse.
4. LEAVE
If all else fails, walk away. There are many situations where that is a healthy solution. If something or someone is very toxic and there is no chance of change, the best thing to do is leave the situation. If one is in an abusive relationship where the perpetrator will not modify his/her behaviour, the healthiest and most life affirming thing is to leave. This is especially true if there are children involved. If you are in a dead-end job with a boss who won’t listen to any other points of view and you know you are going nowhere, do the same. Again, do this only after weighing all the options. If you are unable to get another job and have bills to pay, bide your time until you find something else. If you are in an abusive relationship where you are financially dependent on the abuser, make sure you have a safety net to fall back on if you leave. Listen to advice and try and have a support structure around you when making major decisions.
In conclusion, these four options are a very effective, structured method you can apply to deal with an unwanted, stressful or traumatic situation. Of course, the details are complex and will have to be navigated with a great degree of emotional intelligence and for more serious situations, with the help of a therapist or life coach. But being aware of these options empowers one to take responsibility and avoids endless, unproductive complaining; blaming others; remaining stuck in the situation without insight and being a victim without taking action. So go ahead and take control of your life.
Raeesa Mahomed
Transformational Life Coach Want to learn more from Raeesa? Follow her Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, and visit her website. You can also email her at info@raeesamahomed.co.za. Read more from Raeesa!
Raeesa Mahomed, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Raeesa Mahomed is a transformational life coach, and her tagline 'Be the best you' aptly describes the results she gets with her clients. Raeesa has helped hundreds of clients remove negative programming from the subconscious mind and take them to a place of positivity and empowerment and, in so doing create the life they want. She comes from a decades-long award-winning international career in radio, TV, and film, and her path to deep self-reflection and life coaching began when she faced a life-threatening illness a few years ago. She now also helps others heal from disease by addressing their emotional health and spirituality. She is also a writer and motivational speaker.
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