Written by: Patricia Renovato, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Take a moment to consider this statement. What was your initial reaction? Did you accept it and agree? Or did you violently disagree and become defensive?
What is a Toxic Relationship?
Toxic relationships span across friendships, romantic and family relationships. It is even possible to have a toxic relationship with yourself. Toxic relationships are energy suckers and follow a pattern of high highs and low lows, but mostly lows. The dynamic and constant shifts between the highs and lows is often described as a rollercoaster. Your mind confuses the toxicity with excitement and calls it passion. It’s easy to become addicted to the high. It feels amazing. You excuse away the lows as an isolated incident, a mistake, and you continue chasing the high. The extreme high and lows lead to the deterioration of each individual and eventually the relationship. Toxic relationships are dangerous. It strips you of who you are. It tears apart your self-esteem. Your self-worth becomes associated with the health of the relationship. You give away all of your power to your partner and they decide who you are and how good you are. Suddenly, you find yourself compromising your values and beliefs in order to be accepted by this person that now gets to define you. Eventually, this pattern starts breaking your self-esteem and the chase is no longer for the thrill but for validation. Being a victim or a participant in a toxic relationship does not mean that you are a bad person.It simply means that you felt big emotions and decided to ignore all the red flags. And through that process, you forget who you are and started making serious compromises to adapt to someone else in a way that gets you further and further away from your true self.
How to recognize a toxic relationship
I’ve created a shortlist of situations or feelings one may experience in a toxic relationship aka RED FLAGS.
Your vulnerabilities are used against you
You are constantly put down, you are made to feel worthless
Your partner tries to convince that they are the best you’ll ever get
Your partner is constantly selling you on who they can be or are trying to be, asking you to ignore who they actually are
Your partner is always promising that the mistake won’t happen again
There’s a lot of jealousy
Your partner is always trying to control you
The problem, the fight is always your fault
You start questioning your reality (gaslighting)
Your partner keeps telling you that you have a bad memory and their version of the truth is reality
Conversations/arguments go in circle, you feel confused
You break up often and get back together
You don’t recognize yourself anymore
Outsiders make comments about your change of behavior
You start isolating yourself from friends and family
The lows become significantly more frequent than the highs
Your self-esteem drops
You feel like you’re not enough and you keep changing yourself in ways that makes you unrecognizable to yourself
You are unhappy most of the time
Eventually, you intuition speaks louder and you know something is wrong but you don’t know how to get out of the cycle you helped create
You are called selfish for trying to take care of yourself for prioritizing your well being
Why does one fall prey to a toxic relationship?
When someone is low on self-love, it’s easy to become manipulated by someone else. When someone is unsure of who they are and hasn't accepted who they are, it is easy to be persuaded by someone else’s beliefs. When someone doesn’t love themselves, they don’t have the courage to walk away from a relationship because they either blame themselves for the problems or they fear they will be alone. When someone lacks experience in relationships and doesn’t have a good support system, they don’t have a good reference point to help them analyze the health of their relationship. Sometimes, people want to be convinced. They want to believe in their partner. They have a hard time differentiating between what they want and what is. People tend to put others on pedestals they haven’t earned. Everyone wants to be loved. Toxic relationships are very engaging and partners tend to give each other a lot of attention, which feels good. It feels good to be wanted. However, love isn’t supposed to harm you. People in toxic relationships can’t differentiate between love and control. They choose to believe that their partner is loving them versus hurting them on purpose.
The value of red flags
We are all born with an inner knowing. Our intuition is an internal compass that guides us through life. Some hear it, others feel it. Ultimately, it’s our choice to listen to it and take action. Red flags are warning signs letting you know that something is wrong or needs further questioning. Your intuition will kick in when you encounter a red flag. It’s important to be in alignment with yourself and trust your intuition. The challenge with toxic relationships is that most stop trusting themselves and distance themselves from their intuition in order to chase the high. Luckily, you never lose your intuition. Through healing, self-reflection and meditation, you can strengthen your connection.
9 tips to heal from a toxic relationship
The steps to healing from a toxic relationship starts with self-discovery. In some ways, being in a toxic relationship is similar to an addiction. You become addicted to the drama. You become addicted to the cycle of seeking the high. You get stripped of your self-esteem and lose your sense of self. Your life becomes defined by it and its constraints. By the time you realize that you need to get out; deep down, you know you’ve become toxic too. And it is this very thought that keeps pulling you back. You start thinking that you don’t deserve better because you’ve also contributed to the toxicity. You begin to blame yourself and start feeling sorry for your partner. And the cycle ensues until one of you finally decides to step away from the rollercoaster. The steps below provide you with a guide on how to start processing out what you just experienced. You may find that you may need to circle back to some of the previous steps along your journey. It’s important to give yourself time, this isn’t a race. And you already accomplished the hardest part; leaving the relationship. Typically, couples in a toxic relationship break up dozens of times and oftentimes don’t take the other or themselves seriously when they break up, knowing that they will get back together. So if you find yourself initiating or being on the receiving end of the breakup, let it be. Close the door and start your process of realignment.
1. Identify, process, and release
Release the baggage that you accumulated during your relationship.
2. Identify bad habits
Identify the bad habits you developed during the relationship (i.e., lack of trust, breaking up at every fight, isolation from friendships, etc.)
3. Seek help
If you have trauma from the relationship, seek help from a therapist.
4. Find yourself again, outside of the relationship
a. Ask yourself: In what ways, did I continuously comprise myself during the relationship?
b. Who am I? And how do I want to behave? How do I want to show up?
c. Note: you may need to cycle through this step several times.
5. Practice self-forgiveness
It is likely that you behaved in ways that you are not proud of. And it is likely that you didn’t treat your partner the best. In order to move on, it’s important to let go of the past. We can’t change the past, but we are in full control of our present.
6. Forgive your partner
a. “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Buddha.
b. Hanging on to resentment only keeps you stuck in the past.
7. Learn to identify toxic behavior in others and yourself early
a. Don’t ignore red flags, they are there to protect you.
b. Understand the triggers that drive you to behave in a toxic way.
8. Be kind to yourself!
You made a brave and difficult decision to leave a toxic relationship. Give yourself time and grace to process and heal.
9. Learn to love yourself!
The antidote to toxicity is self-love. Get to know who you are and learn to love every part of you. Once you are in full alignment with yourself, you won’t fall prey to toxic behavior easily.
Give yourself time to heal. You should expect this process to take months, if not years, depending on the length and gravity of your relationship.
If you want to learn how to implement these ideas and be coached by me, you can email me here to schedule a discovery call.
Patricia Renovato, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
For over a decade, Patricia kept ignoring the growing sensation that she could do more to serve the world. It was daunting to think about dramatically changing her life without direction. After spending some time searching for the answer, Patricia found her calling as a Life Coach. This became the vehicle for her to facilitate the transformation of people who felt stuck in their life, not knowing how to begin a new journey. Patricia dedicates her time to connecting people with their genuine passion for living a passionate and purposeful life. Patricia’s innate ability to see people’s potential beyond their purview inspires clients to work through the inner blocks preventing them from living their dream.
