Written by: Irina Costea, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There is a lot of buzz in the last years over the fact that we are the masters of our fate, we create our own realities. But how come a lot of us are living lives that are not that fulfilling?
If we create our own realities, why isn’t everyone happy?
I’ve been asking myself these questions especially since I had a pretty rough wake up call 2 years ago.
In my transformational coaching practice, a lot of clients seem to think that if certain persons will behave a certain way, they will be happy. If certain events will happen, then for sure they will be happy.
And I see a lot of “if …then…”. “If I will get that promotion, I will be happy”, “if I will buy that house, I will be more satisfied, because I will have more spaces to buy more things that I think I need”, “if he would commit more to our relationship, I would be so much happier”. Basically, it’s a constant chase after the next best thing. But what happens now?
A few days I was having a mentoring conversation with a young coach, and he asked me:
“How do I deal with close persons that don’t want to change?”
Short answer: you don’t.
Long answer: it is not your job to change anyone. Your job is to do the inner work, to shift your perspective. Ask yourself:
Why do you need the person to change?
What does not changing the other person says about you?
What triggers you from the fact that this person doesn’t want to change?
We all have a level of conditioning: belief systems, traumas or hyperactivated egos (when you identify yourself with your beliefs). Transformation is possible by awakening the consciousness, by getting off the autopilot. And this is done only by one’s will, not by being forced or demanded to do so.
In Matrix, Morpheus told Neo: “I can only show you the door. You must be the one to walk through it”.
Your job is not to be a savior, even though your intentions are good. It’s the other person’s job to walk this path IF THEY WANT TO. In the end, if you succeed in changing the other person “for better”, it’s for your own success. You will be the one feeling good about this, so it’s actually about you, not them.
So, inner work is your friend: inner healing, working through your own conditioning in therapy/transformational coaching (holistic work, not only talking; this includes somatic work because unprocessed emotions and traumas are stuck in the body), introspection, nervous system regulation, uncovering the processes behind getting triggered.
Connecting with yourself, with your authenticity, will change perspectives and how you perceive reality.
When you get off autopilot and start living consciously, you will understand that life is not personal. How other people treat you has little to do with you, and has everything to do with themselves and their relationship with themselves.
By being present and living consciously, you will learn the difference between distancing/dissociating and being detached.
When you distance yourself from a situation, you protect yourself from being overwhelmed by emotions. This is a very useful defense mechanism that might come in handy in very difficult times when you don’t have the space to allow yourself to process everything (for example in parenting, when your child triggers you but you need to stay calm in order to contain your child; in extreme cases when trauma happens, in order for you to survive emotionally, you must dissociate).
But if dissociation/distancing is a way of living, then it might become a problem. Because you live in numbness, not here. By not being present, you will keep yourself away from feeling unpleasant emotions. But also the pleasant ones. And this is not a very happy perspective. Because a flat line on a monitor, means death. So living in dissociation, means not being emotionally alive.
The solution is to find those spaces where you can unload the unprocessed emotions, and process them. Allow them to arise, to be consumed, in order to move on. It’s best, at first to have a guide, a therapist or an experienced coach. Because if you don’t unload them, the emotions will build up into blockages and disconnection from your authentic self.
When we talk about detachment, we talk about the real inner work. You care, but you do not attach yourself to the outcome. You also realise that not every thought that runs through your mind is true.
In the Buddhist culture, we encounter the term detachment very often. Have you heard meditation or yoga teachers saying “you are not your thoughts?”. Annoying, I know, but very true.
In relationships with other people, it does not mean that you lack empathy. In fact, studies have shown that buddhist monks, who meditate daily for hours, are even more empathic than therapists or caregivers.
This is because meditation strengthens the salience network, the neural network in our brain responsible for noticing things, such as the emotional states of others.
How does detachment translate in real life?
“I care about you, but I do not need you to fix your problems in order for me to love you.”
I love my child, but I understand that often his big emotions have nothing to do with me. I love him, but now I can stay with his suffering without being attached to my need to fix things for him. My job is to contain him and offer him a safe space where he can feel everything he needs to feel, without being afraid that he is going to be judged.
I can connect with him at a very deep level, but still being detached from the need to give him another try in order to distract him. I can feel his pain, deeply, and understand his frustration, but still, be centered and understand what his issue is really about. I get where he is coming from.
In my professional setting detachment can look like this: I have a client who is in very high distress due to some personal reasons. I am involved, 100% present with my client, and I can create a safe space for them to express their strong feelings, without feeling the need to give them advice, because sometimes people only need to be listened to. Is that deep connection that allows me to see their needs, not my own need of being of service, or say something smart.
Sure, life is life. You will still get overwhelmed, triggered, it’s part of the human experience. But whenever the situation allows you to, get the big emotions out of your system: let them arise, cry, go to therapy/coaching, dance, give yourself permission to become overwhelmed and stay with that for a while, or journal everything.
And then try to recharge. I do yoga, I walk while I listen to my favorite podcasts, I create content, I write, I read fantasy books (my favorite genre), I go to a massage, whatever speaks to me. I try to listen to myself while I ask: what do I need right now? And what more? And what more?
By learning who you are, what are your needs, your boundaries, your triggers, your chargers, you learn to grow the relationship with yourself.
You do need, of course, other people in your life to have a full life (our quality of life is related to the quality of our relationships). But the answers you are looking for regarding your own happiness and peace, lie within you.
You do not need to change other people in order to be happy. You need to change your perspective on what you really need.
And that starts with connecting with yourself, with switching from judgement to curiosity, by expanding your awareness and waking up from automatic responses.
Irina Costea, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Irina Costea is a Transformational & NeuroMindfulness Coach® and a former HR Professional. After a severe postpartum depression scattered with suicidal thoughts, Irina discovered Positive Psychology and the power of coaching. Once enrolled in the coaching school, she soon realized that her personal mission is to help other people unlock their true potential through practices of neuroscience and mindfulness. She believes that only by mapping and following your fears and blockages you can live authentically. Because only when you use them as your stepping stones you can connect to yourself again.
Costea has been trained as a Coach at CoachVille, one of the first coaching schools in the world, and as a NeuroMindfulness® Practitioner at the NeuroMindfulness® Institute. She also worked as a Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist for one of the biggest travel platforms in the world.
