Written by: Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“…his determination to beat his family’s odds.”
Zayden was upset…in fact, very upset. Zayden was a short, quick-moving, fit guy with one of those new hairstyles where half of the head was shaved close and the other covered in long hair, making you wonder how they combed it in the morning.
Zayden was a thirty-year-old, Red Seal Certified electrician with an excellent work history. He had just been suddenly fired from a job he had held successfully for three years.
He and his latest significant other, Zena, were stock car devotees. They raced old cars on the local stock-car circuit. Zena’s regular job was as a truck driver recruiter for a local company experiencing severe shortages.
When I asked him why he had been fired, Zayden told me a long, protracted story of his medical history. His family, on his mother’s side, has a genetic variant that left its members with a fragile cardiovascular system. He had already lost a few members of his family while they were in their early twenties and thirties.
As a result, Zayden had always been very health conscious. His exercise ritual and the strict nutritional regime he described were evidence of his determination to beat his family’s odds.
“…you perceive you have been discriminated against because of your medical history.”
Zayden said last Monday he was sharing the results of his most recent medical checkup with a friend, Zuberi, during their coffee break at work. His boss, Zemel, overheard the conversation and started asking him detailed, pointed questions about his condition.
Two days later, Zemel, called him into his office and told him he would have to let him go because there was not enough work to keep him. Zayden was shocked because of all the overtime Zemel had been giving him over the last few months due to all the work they had.
Zayden challenged Zemel. But, he was adamant and would not reconsider. Zayden was now in the process of finding new work but was still so upset by Zemel’s actions that he called my office.
I said to Zayden,
“It sounds like you perceive you have been discriminated against because of your medical history. Is that true?”
“Yes, definitely! And, so does Zena and my friend, Zuberi, who still works for Zemel.”
“And, before that…anyone else?”
“Zayden, have you had a similar experience before this one where someone fired you, rejected you or abandoned you in some significant way?”
Zayden paused momentarily before responding,
“It has never happened at work before. But, I had a girlfriend, two years ago, who dumped me because she wanted kids and said I wouldn’t live long enough to be their father.”
I continued, looking for a pattern,
“And, before that…anyone else?”
“That would be my mother, who left me and my father when she realized I had inherited her family’s disease. I was about twelve years old. My Dad always said she couldn’t stand the pain of watching me grow up only to lose me at any time. I was her only child and she died herself with it when she was in her late thirties.”
“… learning independence requires us to practice it repeatedly…”
“So, Zayden, you have a history of perceived abandonment and the pain connected to it…from an early age. Is that what sticks out for you as you look over your life so far?”
“I never really put it together like that before, but it looks like a pattern to my life as I look back. I guess that’s unusual, eh?”
“Not really, Zayden! Everyone has a history of feeling abandoned throughout their life. It is normal and natural…believe it or not!”
“I find that hard to believe, Ken. Explain that to me…please!”
“Zayden, humans are one of the most vulnerable mammals in nature and dependent for one of the longest time periods…research suggests at least three or more years.”
“And, how is that connected?”
“This dependency, while long, is also temporary because survival requires us to learn to be independent, and, as soon as possible. And, learning independence requires us to practice it repeatedly in different ways, throughout our life.” I said.
“…when my mother left Dad and I.”
“Do you mean everyone gets abandoned repeatedly throughout our life so they can learn to survive?” he asked, disbelief scripted all over his face.
“You got it! Dealing with abandonment is an important skill for independence. Let’s find out how it has served you in your life Zayden, shall we?”
“I don’t see it, but let’s look anyway, Ken.”
“OK! Let’s go to the moment in your life when you experienced the most abandonment, when you were the most upset…when was that?”
“That would have to be when my mother left Dad and me. I was in grade six and she moved back out west to her hometown. I will never forget asking her why she had to leave and her telling me it was “for the best” and I “would be fine” with Dad.”
“…a painful second like that always has a counterbalance.”
“Zayden, a painful second like that always has a counterbalance. It is a law in nature. I want you to get in that second again, close your eyes and be there! Now, tell me where you are! Who is also present? And, what is the specific context? Be very detailed!”
Zayden sat back in my office chair and closed his eyes. I could see his eyes, rolling back and forth under his eyelids, seeking out that specific second in time. Then, he started talking.
“We were at the airport, my mother, Dad and me, waiting for her flight. I got the same answer from her as I had the last time I had asked. Dad was standing beside us while I sat with Mom. Dad’s hand was on my right shoulder and he looked as confused as I felt.”
“As you hear your mother say this again, what are you saying to yourself about yourself, at that very second, of having this perception?”
I paused and then I added,
“Zayden, you survived that second…you empowered yourself at that second, which is why you are still alive today…smarter and stronger because of that second. But, how specifically? Uncover that, right now!”
“…find your balance on just one foot.”
With his eyes still closed, he said,
“There were several things going through my head. I noticed my father’s hand on my shoulder and realized I was lucky to have him. I realized how hard it was for my mother to leave me and Dad. I realized I would have to take care of myself more. And, I was scared and half crying as well.”
“So, there was a lot going through your mind. Now open your eyes and stand up for a minute. I need you to do something else for me which will help you understand.”
He got up out of his chair and looked at me in a curious way.
I continued,
“Balance yourself comfortably on your feet and put your arms straight out to your sides. When you feel perfectly balanced in that position, let me know.”
Zayden followed by instructions and positioned himself standing straight with his arms pointing out from his sides and said,
“OK!”
“Now I want you to keep your arms where they are and find a new balance on just one foot.”
Zayden shifted and adjusted himself and very quickly was balanced on one foot, his arms still outstretched.
“…there is much more going on that most see…yet it is still happening anyway!”
“OK! Now, notice how quickly your body adjusted to the demands of moving from two feet to just one foot. What your body did so quickly and easily, and does constantly as you move through your world, walking, running and jumping… your mind does the exact same thing. Now, have a seat.”
“You’re telling me my thinking at the moment of my mother leaving me and Dad went to the opposite…to something positive…something pleasurable in the same second? …Really?”
“And, you have already given me some hints as to what they were Zayden. Let’s look again carefully.”
“All I remember is the pain, Ken.”
“Yes, that’s very common and because that is what you have learned, so far, to notice. But, there is much more going on than most see…yet it is still happening! You mentioned already you noticed, and appreciated, that you had your father there at that very second. Was that a source of comfort, even pleasure?”
“…I became more free and independent at that second…”
“Yes, it was, Ken! But, I never called it pleasurable…but I guess it was… wasn’t it? And, as I think about it, we are still very close, even today. And, I continue to get a lot of pleasure from my connection to my father.” he added, with a warm smile.
“Zayden, you said earlier, ‘I realized I would have to take care of myself more.’ Was that also a source of some form of pleasure for you at that second?” I asked.
“Actually, it was Ken! My mother had always been very protective of me, almost smothering me at times, which I continually resisted. So, looking back, I think I became freer and more independent at that second, which are things I still value, even today!”
“So, you got closer to your father and became more free and independent. What else were the benefits that came to you at that second?”
“Could a child at that age have that kind of awareness?”
“Ken, I think I became more motivated to take care of myself, more determined and even more self-confident I would be OK… somehow.”
“You also said, ‘I realized how hard it was for my mother to leave me.’ How did that serve you at that second?” I asked him next.
“Believe it or not, looking back now, a part of me knew my mother loved me but I would be better off with my father…that her emotional stability was too fragile for her to manage…does that make sense? Could a child at that age have that kind of awareness?”
“Zayden, it makes perfect sense and I have witnessed such insights in young children many times in the past!” I replied.
“…he had not felt appreciated and other times when even felt used.”
So, began Zayden’s focused learning journey into his experiences of abandonment. He had about five or six memories we needed to analyze and uncover their two sides…their truth!
As we did this work, it soon became apparent he really didn’t like working for his former boss. There were several occasions when he had not felt appreciated and other times when he even felt used.
As he evolved, he voiced another recurring thought. He had harboured a long-standing interest in another kind of work which he decided to explore. Zayden’s unexplored interest was in the outdoors and the environment.
Eventually, Zayden returned to the local community college and took training as a conservation officer.
Points to ponder and remember:
Abandonment is a normal, natural and inevitable repeated experience for every human being.
To survive, we will need to abandon specific people and be abandoned by others.
Each of us needs to leave our parents behind to go forward, so abandoning others is the price of freedom, and being abandoned enables us to be free.
Our children, family, friends, and colleagues will leave us so they can go forward.
Our values, and those of others to whom we give priority, perpetuate the illusion of a one-sided perception of abandonment.
Since you are reading this, you have already managed abandonment in the past and are still managing it in the present in some form, and will do so again in the future.
Abandonment involves equal amounts of pain and pleasure within our personal value system in keeping with natural law.
The challenge is to uncover the two sides of abandonment so we can learn to appreciate each experience of it.
Abandonment enables us to learn to be who we are, to do what we do to have what we have and to be purposeful.
Managing abandonment is a vital life skill for our well-being since without it there can be no unique identity, no independence and so, no survival.
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Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years. He has served thousands of people of all ages from a diverse spectrum of life challenges. This group include executives, teams, organizations, individuals, couples and families. He has served on the faculty of two post-secondary institutions, Holland College and the University of Prince Edward Island.
Ken was also the first psychologist globally to achieve Master Facilitator credentials with the renowned Demartini Institute and is a Senior Faculty of the Glasser Institute. He has spoken at many regional, national and international events. As head of the The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. (TPI), a community service facility, he is a leader in moving clinical psychology forward by transforming a labelling and medicating focus to appreciating human adaptions as tools for empowerment. This is demonstrated in the latest research in evolutionary anthropology, biology, neurology, psychiatry and psychology. This scientific approach is found in the work of Drs. William Glasser and John Demartini and the services of TPI.
Ken resides in Stratford, Prince Edward Island with Anna, his partner of 50 years. They have three daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
