Written by: Carmen Vasile-Nichita, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
REMINDER: “There are friends, there is family, and then there are friends who become family.”
The other day, an interesting discussion sparked in our family, how do you make new friends and how long does it take. Our kid has changed a record number of kindergartens and schools in the past few years, for reasons that I’m not going to go into details about, and she hasn’t spent time in one place long enough to form long-lasting friendships, yet. She has always been a very outgoing, spirited child, but lately something changed. We hope for the best. But I became curious what.
Like anything else worth having in life, true friendships are rare (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about!) and worth the effort and the commitment. They are rarely only serene. A broken friendship can become either a full stop or a comma in your life, and that was what my kid was brooding over for some time. At my age, (stop wondering how old I am!), I now know that a friend enters and exits one's life, and if the exit is for good, I do not think of it as a failure. Instead, I let it be a reminder that the person came into my life when I needed them the most and for a reason. It is up to each of us to reflect and gain that understanding. No friendship is an accident.
I decided to start simple, and asked my daughter: “Do you have someone you like in your group?”
She said, “Yes, I do.”
“And what do you do about it?” (because I knew myself at my kid’s age, I was terribly shy and used to panic so much when I really wanted to go up to someone and introduce myself to them).
"I go and ask if we can play or do something fun together", her reply came, while I was thinking to myself, ‘girl, you are braver and stronger than you even know.’
So I said, “Great idea! So what usually happens next?”
“Well, mom, I can tell that the other kid likes to hang with me too, so we almost immediately end up kicking a ball together, or playing 'the floor is lava', so it is very cool.
I was really happy for her at that moment, knowing that her heart was in the right place and her skill and attitude were helping her grow through that friendship.
I added: “And how long have you been in this group? About 5 months, right? I say it is pretty good to have someone you like to hang with and likes to hang with you back, in just under 5 months. Friendships take time.”
“But mom, I’d like to make more friends!”
“So what’s stopping you?", I asked.
“Well, what do you do when you hurt someone and now they don’t want to hang with you anymore?” Aaaahh - here it was, the first rocky situation in a new potential friendship, and I could see how the effects of one mistake may seem permanent and irreversible to my almost 8 years old daughter.
“So someone hurt someone else, and I can assume it was not on purpose, is that it?” I asked, wanting to check if we were both on the same page.
“Yes. I made a mistake. And she doesn’t want to be friends with me now”, my daughter confessed, and I could hear the sadness in her voice.
“Well, sweetheart, let me ask you one thing, was this kid your friend before you made this mistake?”, I asked.
“Well…not really.”, my daughter answered and this time, I could hear the little cloud of sadness giving way to light and awareness.
“Well, honey, you see, children who know nothing about you and instead hold on to the memory of one mistake you made, need to get to know the real you before they can call themselves your friends. And you, in turn, need to take your time and know them better before you can call them your friends. If after a while, when you get to know each other a bit better, you would still like to be friends, then that’s great.”
As a result of that conversation with my daughter, that evening, an idea became distinct, that children, much like any other individuals really, each have their own individual language of friendship, more so in an environment formed of expat families, with very diverse backgrounds, with different perceptions and beliefs about boys and girls, and how they should or could interact, and it can be daunting for a 7, almost 8 year old to try and find a friend that will accept them for who they are.
As a parent, you can foster in yourself those friendship skills that you would like to see in your own child, encourage those friendships that are important to your child and that bring the best in them, and stop comparing: while some children love to have lots of friends (you might have been one of them), others are perfectly happy to have only a few close friendships.
Moreover, apply a growth mindset when it comes to friendships, too - as with anything new, mistakes are expected and also encouraged while making new friends. Until they really discover the other kid’s language of friendship, your child is supposed to make some mistakes, sort them out, and try to see if there is a way to move past them.
Last but not least, by far, the best thing you can do to help your child is being available to listen, and offer gentle support and guidance, and that does not require you to be an expert on friendship. There are, however, 3 tips to remember when guiding your child into a new friendship: kids often bond over similarities and what they have in common, they can show an interest in the other kids they like by asking questions, and they can ask for their help or advice because it helps everyone feel good.
Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, it’s about who walked into your life, and said 'I'm here for you’, and proved it. The length of a friendship is nothing compared to the quality of friendship. A healthy friendship is a two-way street, you give and you get, not necessarily at the same time, but when you need it the most. Friendship is a meeting of the hearts and minds, and can fill you with so much joy when you discover that you have so much in common with the other person, or nothing at all, but they somehow fit in your world perfectly.
Personally, I think friends are like music: there are friends for all sorts of situations, like there is music for every mood: there is the friend who you know you can always confide in, and they will never like you less, even when you tell them your deepest, ‘darkest’ secret; there is the friend who is always so ingenious and gives you just the right kind of push and motivation you need, when you need it; there is the friend who always knows what to say when you hurt the most; and then, there is the friend who always knows how to party and unwind. And, usually, it is so rare to find all these in one person!
Carmen Vasile-Nichita, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
With a degree in Arts, a Major in English Language and Literature and 20 years professional experience in the Education and Technology industries, Carmen is the founder of her own coaching startup, CVN Coaching, an English Teacher by trade, a Communication Specialist, an expat solo parent and a committed life long learner who loves to empower people through thoughtful, differentiated coaching. As a Mindset and Transformational Coach for Kids and Families, Carmen is leveraging the unique principles of Growth Mindset that she has been fostering herself from the inside out, to build a Growth Mindset culture within the environments and people that she is working with. She is also a social media marketing enthusiast and started educating herself in this area when she started creating her own business. Oh, did we mention that Carmen is Romanian-Greek-Hungarian? Why does that matter? Well, it matters because she wholeheartedly embraces diversity and she considers herself lucky to be living in times of globalisation and acceptance.
