Written by: Jack Carmody, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“I don’t feel ready to get married.” How many of us have used, or heard, that phrase? When people talk about not being “ready” for marriage, they typically mean they want to be more stable in their finances, career, and/or living situation. Of course, it is important to be stable. If you in debt up to your eyeballs and unemployed, maybe you aren’t in the best place to jump into marriage!
In my years working with couples, I have found that the real area where people aren’t “ready” for marriage has little to do with stability, but rather with the nuts and bolts of being a good partner. Think about it – anything else you do in life that is meaningful, you will most likely have been trained to do (formal education, internships, mentoring, etc.). What about marriage? Most people go into marriage with nothing more than the example they have seen with their parents. With such a lack of preparation, is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high? I would like to briefly list three critical areas where people are generally unprepared for marriage, and three practical steps that can improve these areas.
Three Areas of Weakness
Relating to their partner. Most people have not put much thought into how they relate to their partner. With every interaction you have with your partner, you have the opportunity to pull them closer, or push them away. How do you respond when your partner gets upset? Criticizes you? Discusses a topic you have no interest in talking about? What happens when your partner irritates you? It’s these types of interactions that can make or break a relationship!
Conflict. For most of us, our parents either conducted their conflicts behind closed doors, or conducted their conflicts in explosive fashion. This leaves the average person with either no blueprint for conflict, or a bad blueprint for conflict. People that never saw their parents fight are surprised to hear that conflict is normal, even in healthy relationships. People who saw their parents’ fighting get out of control are surprised to hear that conflict can be handled gently. How couples manage conflict can often predict the success of the relationship.
Love languages. Our default is to assume our partner is just like us. We might think, “I like getting compliments, so my partner must like getting them.” The reality is, each of us has our own unique ways (love languages) that we give/receive love. I can’t tell you how often I hear someone say they don’t feel loved, only to have their spouse respond with a list of things he/she has done to show love. Such a list rarely moves the needle, and that is often because they are not speaking the right love language.
Three Action Steps
Find a mentor(s). Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” One of the best things you can do to prepare for marriage is to find a mentor. Find someone married, who you admire, and spend time with them. Spend time observing this person (or couple), ask them questions, and seek their feedback. Mentoring relationships are hard to find, but well worth the investment!
Read/listen to marriage content. Digesting marriage content does two things 1) it will expand your knowledge about what makes relationships work, 2) it will get you thinking. My go-to books on marriage are “The Meaning of Marriage,” by Tim and Kathy Keller, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John Gottman, “The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman, and “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. These books will do 1 and 2, but even a “bad” book on marriage will do 2!
Pre-marital counseling. Pre-marital counseling can help identify strengths and weaknesses in a relationship. Discussing how each of you views sex, money, religion, conflict, etc. with a neutral party can be extremely helpful. Many pastors offer pre-martial counseling, but a good therapist can fill this role as well. Insist on doing some sort of personality inventory (Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, etc.). I am convinced that understanding your personality, and how that interacts with your partner's personality, is vital to a healthy relationship.
Conclusion
Would you show up to your first day on the job at an accounting firm without ever cracking open an accounting textbook? How would you feel about performing surgery on someone without ever having completed a medical residency? How about running a marathon without ever having run more than a few miles? Going into marriage without preparation is just as foolish. What better time than now to start preparing for what could be the most important role of your life ‒ husband or wife!
Jack Carmody, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jack Carmody is a licensed counselor in the state of South Carolina (US), a military chaplain, and an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church in America. Whichever of these "hats" he is wearing, his passion is to help people discover God's best for their lives. He is also the Veteran Coach for the TV show, "Military Makeover with Montel" which airs on Lifetime. In his spare time, he enjoys reading, running, and spending time with his family.
