Written by: Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The smoke has cleared, and it has been a while since he was discharged. Some things are different, and some things are the same. You have gotten everything you asked for. He’s not using drugs anymore, he is not hanging out with people who may use drugs, and he is going to all of the meetings and appointments that are set up for him. By the book, things should be going well.
Maybe you feel crazy, maybe there seems to be something still off, even when logically speaking, everything should be a million times better. Somehow, it isn’t. There can come a point where you even start to question your own motives and expectations. If you demanded all of this change and now he is following through, why would you have any room to argue? Are you expecting too much of him? This may be the best that the relationship could get, but is that enough? Recovery does not begin when our loved ones exit treatment; it begins when they come home and the real-world hits them, and us.
The Magic Disappears
Plenty of people, organizations, and therapists have told you how to get him in the door and even what to do in order to keep up with the plan upon discharge. After much pomp and circumstance, the plan has worked and he’s sober, for now. Unfortunately, the man you hoped was underneath the chaos of addiction is still missing. Hope leads to discouragement, to fear, into desperation. Many people helped you get over the hump, but no one seems to be on the road after, either in spirit, person, or direction.
At this point, couples can seek therapy to work on their relationship. Much work has been done in the research of and process of couples therapy. Unfortunately, most of this research and theory is isolated to general issues with couples or connections to children or infidelity. Without the specific understanding of addiction and its systemic effects, wrong and harmful application could be unwillingly implemented. As with any intense rift in a relationship, specialized care is required and knowledge helpers are a must.
In long-term recovery, it is normal to both feel as if things are different, but also wonder if things have changed much at all. Like other hurts that couples have, addiction and its arrival represent years of concerns and decades of lead up. Decades of disconnection do not disappear from months of sobriety. Even if the sickness that is addiction has not been present for years, the precursors and factors that left him vulnerable certainly were. So, while crucial behaviors have changed in drinking or using patterns, the core issues still remain. This will take time to heal. The person you fell in love with may come back or may simply keep a part of him in this journey forward. Acceptance of this, coupled with a journey of healing for yourself, is the only true way forward. A new relationship is needed, always are of possible relapse on both sides.
Things to Consider
Couples therapy and individual work can be invaluable to the process of healing. Without missing pieces specific to addiction and long-term recovery, vital information can be absent, blocking growth that would otherwise be within reach. The most important of these topics will be discussed here. First, it is important for the partner and family of the recovering addict to understand the guilt and implications that are carried from addiction. Not only do they feel guilty, but a sense of indebtedness can cloud every interaction. A husband could be so thankful for support and the tolerance that those around him had, that a life-debt may feel appropriate. This form of value in relationship connects to a feeling of never being able to repay everything that was sacrificed. In couple’s therapy, this can lead to the recovering partner becoming overly agreeable and wanting to make themselves cause as little stress or trouble for the rest of their lives. Not always spoken, this belief of eternal gratitude creates an uneven relational dynamic that does not allow for full vulnerability due to the fear of causing one more iota of pain.
Another factor unique to addiction and recovery in couples therapy is the ability to find and hide substances nearly anywhere in the country. Liquor stores are everywhere, and dealers answer through snapchat. Unless there is 24-hour monitoring and hourly sobriety tests, there is no way to truly know if a relapse has occurred. Trust in a partner may appear nearly impossible to achieve early on with so much opportunity for engagement in substance or alcohol use. This reality is necessary to both acknowledge and work through to adapt to a new way of interacting with accountability.
The next concern unique to addiction and recovery is the unhealthy interactions and beliefs that are in the offended partner, the one who did not engage in addiction. Plenty of blame is due to the one who engaged in addiction and brought consequences upon the entire family. However, having an addicted partner can easily lend itself to shielding from criticism and distract from deeper issues. For instance, little attention would be paid to the husband who drinks in binges and enables unhealthy relationships with his children, when his wife has continual visits to the emergency room due to overdose. Once she is sober, his issues may come to light or even be ignored by him to keep away the stress of having to change.
Resistance can then come to the surface from either partner as the dynamic of the relationship starts to shift. For this, both members of a couple must be open to feedback and calls to change.
A jarring realization that can also arise in long-term couple therapy is the lack of emotional knowledge, skills, and implementation of the partner in active recovery. Addiction exists as a means to deal with emotional strain. It stands in the place of healthy relationships and needs, leaving the addict unable to properly process stress without significant work in repair. Once sobriety has been achieved, even for a short time, it becomes apparent that the phenomenon known as being a “dry drunk” has come into play. This state simply describes the panic and lack of skill in emotional control without the ability to use substances or alcohol to improve mood. Imagine feeling extreme stress without any ability to feel better. Without considerable effort, the “dry drunk” can continue their ineptitude in the relationship until full separation is the only option.
Magical thinking can also permeate both members of a couple. Either in the positive or negative, it is easy for either to hope that this attempt at sobriety could either be the one opportunity that changes everything or already a complete failure. Whether due to hope or a sense of protection, both members of a couple can easily find themselves defending their magical thinking of hoping to wake up and a miracle happened or predicting a horrendous ending due to a curse. No matter which side of the extreme a couple can find themselves in, working within reality and joining in couples therapy, can help push towards a healthy belief system and availability for vulnerability.
A final consideration of specific needs for long-term couples is the understanding of triggers and reminders for both partners. A wife whose husband drank may have a raised heart rate every time a metal can is opened, or her husband heads off to the garage. The husband may begin to cringe when his wife takes a large breath or becomes distant. Not every trigger is directly related to substance and alcohol use but can also be reminders of when each person had to be aware of little clues in their partner of a coming storm. Even related to children, resistance to reading a bedtime story or wanting to be with a specific parent can easily bring up reminders of the past and fears that things may never be healed.
Moving Forward
A brighter future is possible with considerable effort and specific care. Many couples find themselves unable to resolve years of tension and resentment that have festered underneath the topsoil of addiction. Through decades of ups and downs, finding calm in the marital relationship is unsettling. The trauma and chaos became like a blanket. Within that comfort, life made sense since addiction is predictable. With enough time, things would fall apart again. Almost like clockwork, life could be set within the bounds of late-night calls and promises to change. Instead, sobriety brings questions about what the future could look like if the relationship could even last a journey toward vulnerability and openness.
To find healing, connect with therapists or individuals who have experience in long-term recovery. Some of these people may have become jaded and can warn of issues unique to the recovery world. Others may have seen some change and have found a way to appreciate what they have. Some may have seen full restoration and can share the story of true healing and change with all the ups and downs. Whomever you find along the way, know that this journey is unique and complex, but take heart that there are others who have succeeded.
Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Travis Thompson, is a researcher, teacher, and therapist focused on healing the lives of those in addiction. With a drive to see effective, long-term change in his community, he has dedicated himself, his practice, and his doctoral work on both research, education, and implementation of recovery. He strives to further the mental health field towards a holistic and advanced understanding of what addiction truly is, where it comes from, and how we all can help.
