Written by: Andrea Hunt, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Could you imagine someone following you closely, every second of the day and night, and constantly criticizing your every move? Would you ever follow around someone you loved telling them they weren't good enough, smart enough, or they were stupid for making a mistake? I certainly hope the answer is no! And yet, for many of us, this unwelcomed, negative self-talk is a daily reality. Read on to learn how the way you talk to yourself matters and why it might be sabotaging you...
Why the way we talk to ourselves matters
Words are incredibly powerful and the way we speak to ourselves matters way more than we realize. Why? Because even though you might not realize it, self-talk is an inner monologue that guides our thinking and behaviors. That directly affects the way we approach situations and people. Not only that, but our subconscious mind is also fueling our fears as well as activating our anxiety and worry.
Think about it: what happens in your body and how do you show up when you tell yourself:
‘I’m always lucky! People love me!’
Vs.
‘Nothing ever goes my way. People suck.’
Taking that into account, the real problem is when it’s constant and our own negative self-talk undermines our goals, diminishes our self-worth, and sabotages our success. We can be our own worst critics with disastrous consequences.
Negative self-talk is a reflection of the narratives you have about yourself
The way we describe ourselves matters with words like:
I AM …
I AM NOT the kind of person who..,
I CAN’T…
THE WORLD IS...
The terms we apply to ourselves in these inner conversations hold tremendous power ‒ they can push us forward or trap us in perpetual cycles of self-defeating thought patterns. They affect what we think we're capable of, what possibilities we have, whether we're lucky or unlucky, accepted, or whether 'THEY" let us do things.
It's important to mention that we don’t all start from the same place. We don't all get the opportunities in childhood, we don't all have nurturing homes or stable support systems. And that means that many of us have a lot of UN-LEARNING to do.
When we engage in regular negative self-talk as if our own inner critics are guiding us through life’s paths. So instead of encouraging our growth and progress, we actually limit our potential instead. To break out of these damaging cycles, it’s important to take control over what thoughts fill our minds on a daily basis ‒ by focusing on kinder, more supportive language when speaking to ourselves about the work that needs doing or mistakes we made.
Where does negative self-talk come from?
The way we talk to ourselves many times stems from our belief system ‒ or limiting beliefs. Sometimes it's not even a voice that came from us. We might not even know it’s there we’ve gotten so used to it.
We create our internal narratives and beliefs in three core ways:
What we heard - from an early age, we listened to our parents, caregivers, our families. We listened to what our teachers told us, maybe our community, maybe our houses of worship, our cultural norms, or the media we were exposed to.
What we saw - We are very in tuned in to watching others and learning from their experience. Whether it's watching an older sibling make mistakes we can learn from, or observing what happens to colleagues or someone in our community.
What we experienced - we might have had one terrible experience where we felt emotional or physical pain, shame, and embarrassment. Since then, when our brain anticipates or sees a situation that looks similar, we start to feel that anticipatory anxiety based on our past experience or worry towards the future.
Like it or not, our beliefs influence our behavior. If we have the belief that something might be too hard for us, or that we don't deserve it, or that the world is against us and won't help us succeed, then these beliefs will hold us back from even trying. They might prevent us from even attempting to do something new or challenging.
The good news is that we can start to challenge our beliefs and create new thought patterns.
How to start challenging negative self-talk
Notice when it's happening: The first step in challenging your negative self-talk is to become aware of it. Start noticing when these thoughts come up, what type of language you're using, and how they're affecting your emotions and decisions.
Reframe your thoughts: Once you’ve identified a negative thought, try to reframe it in a more positive and productive way. Rather than thinking “I can’t do this,” tell yourself “I am in the process of learning…”. The goal is to turn the negative into something more empowering.
Practice self-compassion: Instead of beating yourself up for making mistakes, practice self-compassion and understanding. We all make mistakes, and it’s important to acknowledge them while also being mindful of our progress as well.
Surround yourself with positive people who also have goals and dreams: there's a saying that we become like the 5 people we are around the most. It's easier to challenge your negative thoughts when you surround yourself with people who encourage and support your dreams.
Speak to yourself as you would to a friend: When it comes to self-talk, ask yourself if you’re being helpful or hurtful. This will help you ensure that your inner dialogue is positive and constructive rather than critical or dismissive.
Why negative self-talk is linked to our self-sabotage
Negative self-talk can be incredibly destructive and can sometimes cause us to sabotage our own goals and dreams. Left unchecked, it can fill our heads with doubts, fears and limiting beliefs that erode away at our confidence. And what's worse, we can significantly hinder our progress by leading us to worry too much, talk ourselves out of things, procrastinate on important tasks, or worst of all give up before giving ourselves a chance.
The good news is that we have the power to stop sabotaging our own success and look within ourselves for the strength, confidence, and courage needed to make progress.
People don't typically want to self-sabotage or even do it on purpose! Most of the time what I have noticed with my clients is that they do it usually out of fear or resistance. Unfortunately, some people will tell you that all you need to do is push through and you'll do it. Because that works for them. And to those people out there who have never had such a gripping fear that it causes anxiety and you self-sabotage something you wanted, that's amazing! You are incredibly capable!
For many of us who push ourselves outside our comfort zones, fear, worry, and anxiety feel very real. Many of my clients are ambitious and then get extremely frustrated with themselves when they can’t follow through with things.
By working with a transformational coach and EFT practitioner, you can get to the heart of the matter so you can start peeling back the layers of self-doubt that lead to self-sabotage. This will help you clear the negative emotional charge and the fears that come up so you can start moving forward step by step. This will allow you to take action on things that you've been putting off because you're stopping yourself. Every step forward is a step closer to achieving your goals!
Conclusion:
By taking small, deliberate steps and acknowledging our progress, we can start to build up our self-belief and confidence. We can challenge ourselves to learn new skills, push past our comfort zones and develop emotional resilience, which will help us face any setbacks with courage and grace. We can cultivate an attitude of gratitude by recognizing the good in all that we have achieved, however small it may seem.
Does this sound like something you need? Join my workshops on March 25 or on April 16 to step into your power this Spring! Space is limited!
You'll learn where your self-doubting narratives come from
You’ll identify how they’re holding you back and what they’re costing you
How to reframe your beliefs to find more empowering ones
Try EFT Tapping for a mindset breakthrough right there!
Register here:
Andrea Hunt, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Andrea Hunt is an online transformational life coach & EFT Practitioner for expats and digital nomads. A US expat who's lived in 7 different countries, Andrea helps those who boldly took the road less traveled to thrive abroad with confidence. She understands the challenges of planning a move abroad, integrating into a new culture, finding new friends and social circles, rebuilding life after a job loss or breakup while living in another country. She helps you empower your mindset and erase your limiting beliefs to thrive.
