Written by Alicia Cadiz, Licensed Psychotherapist, LMHC
Alicia Cadiz is well-known when it comes to relationships and breakups. She is a Licensed Psychotherapist, CEO, and Founder of Healing With Alicia, a mental health counseling private practice. Alicia helps clients holistically connect the mind, body, and soul as one, most importantly, in a safe space where you can fully trust your therapist.
Do you ever feel like you aren’t good enough for your partner? That they will eventually find someone better? Do you go through their Instagram followers? And fight every urge to go through their phone? You're not alone. You could be suffering from an Anxious Attachment Style. The feeling of losing your purpose and identity within your partner to where you are left with nothing but depletion is far too common. Sometimes we struggle with wanting to make our partner happy that we place our hopes, needs, and dreams on the back burner. We live our lives on pause at the expense of our partner's happiness. But don't worry, there's hope. In this article, you will learn about attachment styles and ways to help you reach a secure attachment while feeling connected to yourself again. Whether you're in a relationship, dating, or healing from a breakup, I will help you navigate your attachment style and how to achieve the most fulfilling relationships.
What is an attachment style?
We develop an attachment style from the ages of birth to five years of age through our relationship with our primary caregiver. Think of this as the person who changed your diapers fed you, kept you safe, and cared for you for most of your early years. This attachment style can either be secure, anxious, or avoidant. Depending on the three attachment styles you acquire at a young age ultimately parallels your relationships in adulthood, specifically how you perceive love, trust, and intimacy in a potential partner.
3 types of attachment styles
Attachment styles manifest in various forms in our adult life, each going back to childhood through learned behaviors as well as our fears, these include:
1. Secure attachment style
We will find a secure attachment style in a child who comes from a stable household with usually two foundational primary caregivers. When this child is dropped off at daycare, the child kisses their parents goodbye and runs off to play with their friends. This child is very secure in the fact that their parents are picking them up at the end of the day. This manifests in adult life as the person who is always in a long-term relationship. Usually, the relationship does not end in a toxic way, neither party has ill will for the other, however, the two partners simply outgrew each other. If you have a secure attachment, you have a lot of healthy relationships in adulthood and do not have an ultimate fear of being rejected or unaccepted. This attachment style is what psychotherapists believe that society should move towards or strive to become, hence the positivity that it exudes and the regulated state that our nervous system can embrace.
2. Anxious attachment style
An Anxious Attachment style manifests in a child who comes from a household where consistency does not exist. We usually see this in the eldest child in a household due to having younger siblings who need more attention, specifically diapers being changed, bottles being given, and being carried from place to place because the sibling is too young to walk. Two examples of this can include a mom who usually tucks her eldest child into bed most nights, however, can become sidetracked by the younger children in the household and their needs, ultimately the bedtime routine with the eldest child is missed certain nights out of the week and becomes inconsistent. In addition, when this child gets dropped off at daycare, tantrums arise, because, in this child’s mind, the fear of abandonment and rejection is extremely high due to inconsistency within their household and routine. This manifests in adult relationships as the partner who is always thinking their significant other is going to find someone better, that they are going to leave them, hiding something, or ultimately paranoid about their partner's every move due to a sense or lack of trust. When this relationship ends, the adult with the anxious attachment style will be thinking about this partner and the demise of the relationship over and over again for years to come, rattled by the “could of, should of, would of” mentality. A majority of the population falls into the anxious attachment category, however, there is hope to move toward a secure attachment with the correct amount of self-healing and self-work.
3. Avoidant attachment style
We will find an Avoidant Attachment style on two opposite spectrums. The first spectrum is a child growing up in a household where their parents work 6 am - 6 pm, their parents leave the household and come back for them years later, or not involved in their child's life, so much so that the child is raised by nannies, grandparents, or even older siblings to where there is an abundant of inconsistency. We can also see this in children of divorced parents if there are different rules and routines at mom versus dad’s house. The other spectrum is where parents are heavily addicted to drugs or alcohol, maybe even in and out of jail or prison. When this child is dropped off at daycare, the child does not say goodbye to whoever is dropping them off, they simply go and run off to play with their friends. This child may look like they are adaptable to different environments, however on the inside their nervous systems are in a constant state of dysregulation. This manifests into adulthood as someone who will become obsessed with a potential partner, love bombing is apparent here, as well as the “honeymoon stage.” However, when the relationship heads down the path of questions of, “What are we?” and “Are we exclusive?” the partner with the avoidant attachment style will detach and run in the opposite direction. In today’s day and age, the word at play is “ghosting.” This is because this child never learned what a healthy partnership was growing up, so the idea is foreign to them. Occasionally someone with an avoidant attachment style will not run away but instead, push their partner away from them. Most times their partner will stay because they will hold onto those first three months of bliss, hoping that their relationship will go back to that time. Yet, that time will never occur again. A smaller percentage of the population falls into this category, however, it is more difficult to move toward a secure attachment, the longer it goes unrecognized.
Do attachment styles change?
Can my attachment style change? The short answer is yes, attachment styles can change. However, the main goal is to always reach a secure attachment style, or make your way back to secure if you get lost. Many times there will be a child that develops a secure attachment style at a young age, then is part of or witnesses a traumatic event or experience in their life. This can be either someone close to them passing away, a house fire, someone who is in the military and is in combat, or simply being a product of divorce. This can send your body into a state of survival mode, in short, a state of dysregulation for your nervous system, to where your body will naturally pick up an anxious or avoidant attachment due to the traumatic event. Therefore, your body will stay in this state of dysregulation and self-sabotage will be your best friend. Think of this as a rubberband, your body wants to do one thing, while your mind wants to do another, at one point that rubberband will break. Self-sabotage is simply the disillusion we give ourselves to try and control every outcome of every situation we encounter. Therefore, this will ultimately ruin relationships, friendships, and family dynamics, unless it is faced head-on and the healing process can begin.
Relationships and attachment styles
I have an anxious attachment style and so does my partner, are we doomed? It’s interesting to analyze different attachment styles and how they are compatible with one another. Therefore two securely attached individuals usually have the highest percentage of success. If you have an anxious attachment style and your partner has a secure attachment style, with the right amount of communication regarding validation and acceptance, you will eventually over time, become securely attached too. That fear of abandonment and rejection will not be fed by a partner who has a secure attachment style. However, most relationships that either end up in separation, breakups, or divorce are partners with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. An anxiously attached person craves the validation of security and commitment which is not an avoidantly attached characteristic, remember they do not like commitment or security. In addition, two anxiously attached people can reach a secure attachment together over time with the right amount of understanding and communication.
How do I achieve a secure attachment style?
Acquiring a secure attachment style starts with self-awareness and self-acceptance. The main and most important aspect here is that no one develops a secure attachment style overnight. We live in a day and age where we expect results overnight, however you can not rush the healing process. It takes time, patience, and understanding of yourself through relearning and rewiring your learned behaviors from childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. Through therapy, you will cultivate emotional regulation, personal boundaries, healthy communication, and learn to trust and love yourself, in addition to knowing what you bring to the table versus knowing when to walk away to protect your peace. You deserve better than always having to guess how much you mean to someone, when you know how much you mean to yourself, you perceive life differently. You are capable of developing healing and positive connections with others, the question is, are you ready to put in the work?
Start your healing journey today
Healing may feel overwhelming, but you don't have to face it alone. Take the first step towards achieving a secure attachment style today. You have the power to rewrite your narrative. Book your first session here today, bet on yourself!
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Read more from Alicia Cadiz
Alicia Cadiz, Licensed Psychotherapist, LMHC
Alicia Cadiz is a leader, breaking barriers, in the world of mental health. Alicia always knew she wanted to dedicate her life to holistically helping others reach their highest potential. She studied the work of Carl Jung at a young age and bases her therapeutic approach on his teachings. She explores every category of a client, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual, as she helps uncover your shadows and unconscious self, bringing light and awareness to the parts of ourselves we want to hide. Energy does not lie and neither does the power of the universe.
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