Written by: Mireia Lopez, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do you ever feel frustrated when your child misbehaves? Or when the child is not doing what we want them to do or what we think they are supposed to do?
Is the child actually misbehaving? This is what is happening: the child is its own person, not an extension of us. Our job is to keep them safe and provide them with experiences so they can become independent and make their own decisions. But, in order for them to become independent, they need to practice making decisions. They have emotions just like everyone else, and their communication skills are not fully developed (some people never fully develop them anyway). When you mix unknown emotions, overwhelm, lack of communication, and poor decision-making experiences (due to their young age, nothing else), that’s when “misbehaving” takes place.
Keeping this in mind, it is to be expected that every child will “misbehave” at some stage. Otherwise, they are not pushing their boundaries and exploring their limitations, possibilities, and personality and that is not good either.
There is always a reason behind each action. The problem is that we are often (most of the time) not aware of those reasons because it’s just not possible to know everything all the time! In that case, we only see the actions and, if those actions are not what we think they should be (misbehaving), then we create a story in our head thinking that the child is challenging us, or doesn’t want to listen, or has no manners, or simply “they are naughty or bad”. And what do we do to change that? We punish them.
What is punishment? And why is it not good AT ALL?
Punishment focuses on the behaviour, not on the reason that causes that behaviour. We manipulate the child with emotional/physical pain, so they do what we want them to do. They don’t necessarily understand why they must act that way, and they just do it because of fear or to avoid the punishment. Because of this, they learn that their emotions are not important.
Remember that there is a reason every time a child “misbehaves” so, by punishing them, we stop them from dealing with those emotions and, in consequence, they lose the opportunity to learn why they should not do that, and they also develop anger, frustration, hate… In the meantime, the connection between us and them slowly loses strength. Punishment really has ZERO benefits and a huge negative impact on the child’s mental health.
Examples of punishment:
Time out / being grounded
Tell them they are bad and shame them
Give them chores as a form of punishment (they will associate tasks that need to be done in the house with being punished, so they will never want to do those tasks voluntarily because they have a negative connection with them).
Losing access to a toy/item that has nothing to do with their action(for example, if they don’t eat their dinner, you take their favourite toy away).
Making them feel bad (if you don’t do that, mammy will be really sad). That’s a form of manipulation and emotional punishment.
What is the positive alternative to punishment: Consequences
Every action has a consequence, whether we like it or not, whether we see it or not. Consequences (unlike punishment) can also be positive in the form of natural rewards (for example, if you wake up early, you have time to get a nicer breakfast, that is a natural reward and a positive consequence.)
Why are consequences better than punishment?
Consequences help children understand the impact of their actions. They get to choose their behaviour based on the consequences they want. We don’t force them to act a certain way, we just guide them so they can make better decisions.
They can work towards positive consequences as a personal challenge, rather than just trying to avoid punishment. We can reinforce positive consequences so they will want to act in a way that brings natural rewards more often than negative consequences. When this happens, their emotions will also shift so we are not just changing the behaviour, but we are also promoting positive well-being.
Children learn to take responsibility for their own actions. They become more resilient, mature, confident, and independent.
There are two different types of consequences:
Natural Consequences: They happen automatically. The natural reaction of a child’s action. They can be positive or negative but every single action has a natural consequence. For example, if a child doesn’t put on their jacket, they will be cold. If a child doesn’t want to finish their dinner, they will be hungry. If a child makes a picture to mammy they will get a hug or a compliment (positive consequence/reward).
Logical Consequences: You make them happen, but they are related and in proportion to their actions. For example, if the child is hungry because they didn’t eat their dinner(natural consequence), you won’t give them any treats or snacks (logical consequence) because you want to make sure they get big and strong and they must eat their dinner for that. The logical consequence is totally related to their action.
Examples of Natural and Logical Consequences:
Action 1: a child doesn’t want to put on their shoes.
Natural consequence: Their socks get wet and it annoys them.
Logical consequence: They can’t go to play outside until they change their socks so their shoes don’t get wet and smelly, so now they have less time to play outside.
Action 2: a child doesn’t want to get ready for school he is late.
Natural consequence: they are late and feel awkward walking in, plus they miss their first activity.
Logical consequence: they have to get their clothes and school bags ready in the evening so they are not wasting time in the morning. That means less time to play in the evening because they have to get these things ready.
Action 3: a child doesn’t want to turn off the TV.
Natural consequence: there is no natural consequence here, you have to come up with a logical consequence.
Logical consequence: you give them an option (do you turn off the tv or will I do it for you?). They won’t have their dinner until the tv is off because that is a rule in the house (no tv during dinner). If it takes them too long, dinner will be cold. If they don’t want dinner cold, they will be hungry. These are the natural consequences.
Action 4: a child doesn’t want to brush their teeth
Natural consequence: long-term consequence, cavities, pain.
Logical consequence: they won’t be able to have any treats at all until they brush their teeth so the sugar doesn’t damage their teeth if they are not washing them. It is proportional and related to their actions and it teaches them to be responsible.
How to create logical consequences to help them learn
(And how to avoid actions that trigger negative consequences)
Make sure the consequences are related and proportional to the action.
Empathise with their feelings so they feel understood and don’t act out of rage I know you are very upset, but…”)
Anticipate their behaviour by setting up limits and helping them create realistic expectations (if you know there is going to be ice cream and they can’t have any that day, let them know that there will be ice cream but they will have one at the weekend, not today because they already had a treat today).
Never break a promise. If you tell them they will have ice cream at the weekend, make sure they have ice cream at the weekend.
Give them choices to avoid actions that will trigger negative consequences. For example, if they have to set up the table for dinner and they don’t want to, ask them if they want to get the forks or the plates first. If they have to put their clothes away, ask them if they want to help you or if they want to do it on their own. If they have to go to the shop with you, ask them if they want to carry the bags for you or not. Make them feel like they have a choice always.
It’s all about making them feel responsible for their actions. We never stop making mistakes and every mistake can be interpreted as misbehaving, but it’s just the way we do things and there is always a reason behind it. It is ok to make mistakes or to let our emotions guide our actions, as long as we take responsibility for it. Every action has a reaction, and we need to accept that and use it to learn from it and be better next time. That is what consequences teach our children. Consequences make our kids become better and more mature human beings.
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Mireia Lopez, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mireia Lopez is qualified as a Primary school teacher with a Masters in Psychology. She is the founder and director of Discovery Playtime and mum to two children who inspired her to start her business. She is passionate about play and child development and promotes the power of play so parents and educators can understand the impact that play has in the development of skills during childhood. To create better generations and more independent and confident adults we need to start by improving the way children play and interact with the world.
