Written by: Trish Mahan, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
This past month I celebrated a milestone birthday! I found myself feeling triggered by a pivotal life event from 29 years ago. My emotions were heavy with feelings of gut-wrenching grief and sadness. The pain in my soul had me doubled over in the fetal position, practically drowning in the fluid of my tears. It was transformational!.
You see, my mother passed away as I transitioned from childhood to young adulthood. The Universe positioned me to be a front-seat observer of the debilitating effects that cancer imposes on the physical body. The woman who was supposed to help keep me safe and teach me how to grow into a strong, independent woman, was literally wasting away before my eyes for 7 years!.
My teenage years were dominated by the self-imposed responsibilities of caring for her. I willingly and voluntarily became a primary caretaker, homemaker, and stable force in my family for my younger brother and my father. I wanted to alleviate some of the household disruptions and keep the home running smoothly. In addition to these roles, I was also going to school, playing sports, and working.
All I knew was that I needed to do everything in my power to make my mother’s life easier, take the burden off her petite shoulders, and ease the anxiety of the rest of my family. This disease was relentlessly ravaging her body. Little did I know that all my efforts would ultimately be thwarted, and I would be left completely empty.
Seven years of not knowing.
“Would the treatments work?”
“Would she live to see me graduate college or get married?”
“Would she ever be the mom I remember?”
“Would I ever be able to be the child again?”
Selfishly wondering.
“Would I ever get to enjoy my family like I did when I was young?”
“Will I ever get a break from all of these responsibilities?”
“Will I ever be able to have typical teenage experiences like my friends without these sad and scary thoughts on my mind?”
“How will I ever fit in this world?”
The ups and downs of not knowing how her journey would unfold and the constant hope of remission only to have the doctor call our home and say to me.
“Please have your parents call me as soon as possible while they were away on vacation, cancer has spread to your mother’s brain, and we need her to come to the hospital right away!”
YIKES!!! What child wants to hear that message? Not to mention I now must call her while she is away on vacation, to tell her she must come back home immediately.
Ultimately, after 7 long years of misdiagnoses, and failed medical and surgical interventions, my mother passed away at home lying next to me in her Hospice bed. I was destroyed! I was defeated! I had no future, I had no employment, I had no guidance or support for how to cope, and I had no mother.
How do you put the pieces of your life together after it has been destroyed by the wrecking ball called death? I was barely 20 and had already been enmeshed in a caretaking role, wearing multiple hats of responsibility and obligation.
I was lost within my identity. Who was I without the role of the caretaker? And even more painful, who was I without my mother?!?!
Throughout the years my mindset and mental health wavered:
The angry thoughts Why me?
The depressing thoughts No one will ever understand why I am the way I am guarded fiercely independent steadfast in my choice not to have children, etc.
The replacement/avoidant thoughts Instead of connecting deeply with people, I will channel my energies through my education and career, and hyper-focus on work.
Circling back to this past month I remained open to hearing my pain’s message. I reframed it with self-compassion, wisdom, self-awareness, and a spiritual understanding of the life and death experience. I knew this transformation needed to happen as I enter the 2nd half of my life’s journey; an examination of where I’ve been, who I’ve become, and how I will continue to pay it forward.
The triggers of grief, loss, and pain occurred for many reasons and the emotional release was necessary to clear my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual channels and gain clarity of how this experience shaped the first half of my life.
This is how I lived in pain:
I chose behaviors that avoided getting close to people. (Avoidant Attachment)
I used this experience to define my identity and gain validation for my existence. (Victim mentality)
I used self-sabotaging behaviors to prove why I am unworthy. (Self-loathing)
I ruminated on what I could have or should have done, and what I didn’t do. (Shame)
I spent a lot of money on material things to fill the void in my soul. (False sense of value)
I mentally punished myself for not doing more for her. (Guilt)
This is how I have turned pain into purpose:
I found the courage to ask for help.
I learned how to express uncomfortable emotions.
I learned to demonstrate and build resilience skills to thrive and not just survive.
I learned to have gratitude for challenging experiences because they teach me how to adapt to life’s curveballs.
I learned to persevere no matter what obstacles appear in my path.
I learned to recognize when I need to feel emotions instead of suppressing them.
I learned that crying is a self-care activity.
I learned how to be vulnerable without feeling like a victim.
I learned the true meaning of empathy. It matters not that someone has not had the same experience as you. What matters is that the energy of thoughts, emotions, actions, and reflections are the experiences that connect all people.
To say that I am who I am today because of this pivotal life experience is an understatement. And although this article is focused primarily on my personal narrative, the importance of the underlying message cannot be underestimated.
Through pain there is purpose. Ask yourself, “What would happen if I chose to let go of this pain?”
Within the pain, your strengths exist. Sometimes they are just under the surface waiting to be dusted off and nurtured. Life will always have sad and painful moments. If you have a desire to heal and grow from your personal pain, maybe it’s time to find a therapist or coach to highlight what you may not see about yourself. Curiosity is the first step to creating a new YOU!
Trish Mahan, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Mahan merges the holistic core philosophy of Occupational Therapy and the action-oriented approaches of Core Energy Coaching in order to help her clients work through the ‘blind spots’ of their lives. She works with individuals by incorporating evidence-based tools and research-based practices that uncover challenging maladaptive habits and inspire empowering self-awareness.
Dr. Mahan brings authentic awareness to the power of ‘purpose-driven mental health and wellness.’ She has a deep appreciation for the complexity of the human experience. Passionate about all aspects of well-being she is devoted to making physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness more achievable for individuals seeking improved quality of life.
Dr. Mahan has her doctoral degree in occupational therapy, works as a Senior Pediatric Occupational Therapist, and is the owner of Youniversal Coaching. She is a progressive thought leader who has the rare ability to manage and do things right as well as lead and do the right thing. She intuitively knows how to hone in and move individuals forward and remain committed to improving outcomes for individuals and organizations. She is certified as an evidence-based health coach, professional core energy coach, and sensory integration therapist. Dr. Trish has championed multiple positions in higher education including clinical and adjunct professor, program director, and student mentor. She sits on the professional state board of occupational therapy in Albany, NY, and is a speaker and presenter at various state professional associations and universities. Topics of focus include The occupation of human potential, Spirituality and emotional regulation, Anxiety, and sensory sensitivities, and Resilience in pandemic recovery.
