Written by: Heidi Dinning, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The conversation you have with your kids about your divorce will set the stage for how they navigate the journey of processing the change in their lives and in their families. It can go really well with careful planning and it can go really wrong without thoughtful preparation. It is crucial to handle this conversation about your divorce with the utmost care, concern, preparation, and purposeful connection in order for your kids to process, cope, and adjust to the change in their family, and have a level of understanding from their age and stage.
It is definitely not the type of conversation that parents should take lightly and have on the fly, risking kid’s emotional damage and oversharing information that the kids should not be exposed to. Your planned script should be age-appropriate and have careful answers to the common questions that kids will have around the divorce.
Here are 6 keys to a successful conversation with your kids about your divorce
Prepare yourself
It is important to prepare yourself for the conversation to ensure you maintain clarity and are able to manage your emotions. Put your feelings aside, as this moment isn’t about you, it’s about your kids. Proper sleep, healthy eating, hydration and avoiding alcohol will help with your personal self as you approach and navigate this challenging moment and beyond.
Use age-appropriate communication
Be mindful of the age and developmental stage of each child and plan your script about your divorce accordingly. It is important to position the separation and divorce in a way that the child will comprehend. Use age-appropriate language and explanations to help them understand the reasons behind the divorce and how the change will affect them. Avoid oversharing, to save the kids from exposure to potentially traumatic topics or conflict between their parents. Stay focused on your script and overall goal for this moment.
Give constant reassurance
Comfort and support your children’s understanding that the divorce is between the adults and doesn’t have anything to do with their relationships with each parent. Emphasize that the divorce is a decision made by adults and will not change the love, care and nurturing they will receive from both parents.
Use active listening
Give your kids the opportunity to express their feelings, concerns, and questions. Practice active listening by giving them your full attention, validating their emotions, using statements like “I see you…”, “how does that feel for you…”, “I hear your concern with …” and respond empathetically. Avoid commiserating, interrupting, dismissing or diluting their feelings if you want to work towards your children thriving after divorce.
Prioritize co-parenting
Show your children that both parents are committed to their well-being by maintaining a cooperative and respectful co-parenting relationship – at least in front of them. Avoid speaking negatively about your co-parent in front of your children and encourage healthy relationships with both parents.
Maintain consistency for the kids
Maintain a sense of stability by continuing with consistent routines and schedules for your children as best as possible. This can help them feel secure during the transition. Communicate any material changes in advance and involve them in decision-making when appropriate.
Divorce is not easy, but with carefully curation, thoughtful planning and purposeful intent, you can minimize emotional damage and maximize connection, love and stability, even in the hardest moments. Seek support from a divorce professional such as a Divorce Coach, if you or any of your family members need it and remember to go easy on yourself.
Heidi Dinning, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Heidi is a Certified Divorce Coach, Certified Recovery Coach and a Family & Interpersonal Communications Expert supporting individuals and families all over Canada, the US and some beyond the borders through separation and divorce. Having a lifetime of lived experience with divorce, both from a child’s perspective when her parents divorced, and her own divorce ten years ago, Heidi’s experience created a fire within her to to create a way to reduce the stigma around divorce, and support others walking that bewildering, confusing and difficult path to a better life. Using her natural intuitions, communications expertise and emotional intelligence, Heidi has created a practice that truly meets people where they are at and supports them to move forward in healthy, clear and positive ways for themselves and their family. Heidi also has authored an e-book on talking to your kids about divorce, ultimately setting the tone for the family to thrive through divorce not merely survive.
