Lisa Hansen offers a truly unique style of Mindset Coaching that powerfully blends Spiritual practices, Manifestation teachings, Somatic Release techniques and practical Life Coaching skills. She has helped hundreds of clients manifest the life they truly desire!
Do you ever suddenly find yourself down the rabbit hole of negative self-talk? Maybe you’re telling yourself, “I’m not good enough,” “I’ll never reach my goals,” “I’m too fat,” or “I’m not as good at this as she is.” No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to stop these negative thoughts. They have lodged into your subconscious mind and tell you all sorts of stories with the same title: I am not good enough. Welcome to your inner critic.
The crazy thing about this is there can be so much negative noise in your head that you may not even notice it's there! You think it’s just who you are and how you are. It becomes your identity. You think it’s the truth about yourself.
But it’s not. These programmed stories in your head are coming from your inner critic. This voice has told you negative, critical things about yourself for so long that you began to believe them. And the crazy part is once you learn how to see them and investigate, you will begin to realize that these thoughts about yourself aren’t even true. They do not represent who your true, authentic self is at your core.
3 scenarios of how your inner critic creates stress and sabotages your life
1. You see a photo of yourself
You don’t like what you see. Your inner critic roars, “I’m so fat!” or “I can’t believe I wore that!” or “Is that how my hair really looks?!” You believe these thoughts and begin to feel so badly about yourself. The journey towards doom has begun: Why can’t I lose weight? Why is it so hard? What’s wrong with me? I’m so weak. You start to go down the rabbit hole. All you feel like doing is escaping by watching TV, eating, or grabbing a glass of wine to get some relief and seek comfort, which only winds up making you feel even worse later on when the self-criticism starts up all over again. You are stuck in a negative, self-deprecating loop.
2. You come home from work
You’re exhausted and hungry. You walk through the door, and the kids are fighting, the house is a mess, and everyone's shouting, “I’m hungry!” at you. You have no plan for dinner and no desire to cook, but you promised yourself you would stop with all the take-out. You start to feel even more stressed, and you snap at the kids. Your inner critic chimes in with the belief in the “Good Moms Don’t Yell” storyline. You had promised yourself you wouldn’t yell anymore, yet here you are again. You feel terrible, guilty, ashamed, and beat yourself up over it the whole rest of the night. This story titled “I’m a Terrible Mom” might even keep you from a peaceful night’s sleep. You are stuck in a negative, self-critical loop.
3. You text your teenager who’s out, and she doesn’t text back
Next thing you know, your inner critic decides to start thinking against your own will. Catastrophizing. It is very good at this. It comes up with every single reason why she didn't text back, and none of them are reasonable or peaceful. Everything includes some form of atrocious death. Immediately, she is dead or in some kind of paralyzing accident or kidnapped. After a while, the inner critic starts to blame your kid: “How dare she? Doesn’t she know care? How can she do this to me?” Then the inner critic starts in on you: “What kind of kid did I raise? Didn’t I teach her better than this? Where did I go wrong? I have failed her. It’s all my fault. I am a terrible parent.” The chatter that goes on in your head about everything that could have possibly happened and everything that you’ve ever done wrong as a parent is just insane, right? It’s so stressful. You get caught in a trance. A loop. The hamster wheel of worry. And it causes you so much suffering and angst. It’s crazy to think about the amount of drama your inner critic can create over something like your teen not texting you back. You are stuck in a negative, over-worrying loop.
6 types of inner critics
The inner critic manifests in various forms, depending on your personality. Looking for these signs will help you cultivate more awareness of when your inner critic is at play.
1. The perfectionist
You avoid or procrastinate doing things because you hold the belief that everything has to be perfect before anyone else sees it. You place a lot of pressure on yourself. You don’t like having people stop by unannounced if your house is too messy. You quit ahead of time to avoid the disappointment of something not going perfectly, unconsciously believing it’s better to just not do it at all. You feel crushed if you don’t reach a goal. You tend to hide and keep yourself small, even though you know you are meant for more. You sabotage your goals despite the desire to achieve them.
2. The ruminator
You play out conversations over and over in your head, wishing you had said that or not said that, done that or not done that. You regret the things you said or didn’t say and play out scenarios in your imagination of how you wish you had handled someone or something differently. It takes you over. You find yourself easily offended and experience hurt feelings from what someone says or doesn’t say, does or doesn’t do. You worry a lot about everyone and everything.
3. The judger
You are very judgmental of others. You find yourself judging how others live, speak, parent, their political views, and how they handle money. Why is this a sign? Because someone who is always judgmental of others is always judgmental of themselves. And fueling all of this is the inner critic. The inner critic's favorite hobby is to judge.
4. The people pleaser
You do what you don’t really want to do so others don’t get hurt or mad. You avoid confrontation. You fear facing the consequences for speaking up. You want others to like you. You are afraid of someone else’s reaction if you say no. You often feel like you are walking on eggshells.
5. The Guilter
Guilt is the most common emotion you feel. Guilt over how you handled someone or something, guilt over yelling at your kids, guilt over how you treated your spouse, your mother, or a friend. You tend to cope with that overwhelming feeling of guilt by eating, drinking, and watching TV. Because you feel so much guilt in your life, you also tend to make others feel guilty as well, and there is a good chance you are doing this unconsciously. You have a tendency to live in the past.
6. The catastrophizer
You tend to live completely disconnected from the present moment situation and quickly jump to future worst-case scenarios, often ruled by fear. You have strong reactions because your mind is thinking horrible, catastrophizing thoughts. It feels almost impossible to be in the present moment, always worrying about the future.
6 strategies for taming your inner critic
1. Cultivate awareness
You won’t be able to redirect or change your thoughts if you don’t become aware of what they are. When you are going about your life, you most likely aren’t even aware of what you are thinking on a moment-to-moment basis. Most people aren’t. So, how do you become aware of what your inner critic is telling you? You need to start paying attention to how you feel. Your feelings are a wonderful gift. They are the built-in system that alerts you to where your mindset is at. Feeling a stressful or negative emotion? Your mindset is set to negative. Feeling peaceful and at ease? Your mindset is set to positive.
Start paying attention to how you are feeling at any given moment. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” How you answer that question reveals the thoughts and beliefs the inner critic is feeding you.
2. Ask questions
Asking your inner critic questions slows down its negative momentum – it literally stops what it’s thinking and the story it’s running. The fascinating thing is the inner critic will begin to seek the answers to whatever questions you ask. In my experience with coaching hundreds of people, this is the most useful and effective strategy for changing your mindset. Here are some examples of great questions to ask your brain:
Is this thought true?
What's going right?
What am I grateful for right now?
What am I happy about?
How can I get this work done and have fun at the same time?
What am I beating myself up over right now?
Is this thought peaceful or stressful?
Who would I be if I stopped believing this thought?
What would happen if I let this go?
What amazing things does my body do?
How can I choose love right now?
What is something kind I can say about myself or someone else right now?
What could I believe intentionally instead?
3. Become the observer
It’s hard to settle the inner critic when you think you and it are the same person. You are not your thoughts, they are separate from you. How can you know this to be true?
Because you can observe your thoughts, if you were your mind's thoughts, you wouldn’t be able to observe them. You can watch your thoughts like clouds passing by. And since you can watch your thoughts, you know you are not the generator of your thoughts. Just like your heart beats on its own without you having to do anything to make it happen, your thoughts happen to you automatically. And they are offered up constantly. They are programmed into the subconscious mind. You get to choose to believe them or not.
4. Become a compassionate mother
I am not going to sugarcoat this. Let’s face it, few of us grew up with a compassionate mother’s voice. The truth is if you have a strong inner critic, you most likely have a strong critical parent. Their voice has become your inner voice. Or this programming could have come from a grandparent, sibling, or teacher. And it’s not their fault, just like your inner critic isn’t your fault. It is a virus of conditioned negative thinking that has been passed on typically from generation to generation. They have a strong inner critic themselves. This isn’t about blame. It’s about growth and entering emotional adulthood. Learning how to parent your inner critic from a compassionate mother voice is incredibly effective for change. This one takes time. And patience. Start by thinking of the most compassionate and loving person in your life. It could be an aunt, a grandparent, a teacher, or a friend.
Next time you catch yourself in a self-critical loop, pause and ask: “What would say in this moment?” Another approach is to ask: “What would love to say at this moment?”
Here are some of my favorite self-soothing thoughts to practice while you foster your compassionate inner mother voice:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I am choosing to love myself in this moment.
It's all going to be ok.
I am worthy of love and compassion.
I am choosing to ease up on myself right now.
I love and accept myself just as I am.
Of course I'm feeling this way, it makes sense why and it's perfectly ok.
It's ok for me to ask for what I need.
Sometimes, I don't show up the way I want to, and that's ok.
Loving myself means choosing not to beat myself up over this.
I can love myself and work on changing at the same time.
5. Become the skeptic
Learn how to coach your inner critic. A skeptical person always assumes someone else is wrong. Your inner critic’s criticism of you is not the truth. You get to decide to believe what it says or not. Start assuming it’s wrong all the time! Let’s say your inner critic says, “Nobody liked the dessert I made.” Ask skeptical questions back to it, such as: “Is that true? Can you absolutely know for sure that that is true? What if you’re wrong about that? What if you just made that up?” You can even have fun and get a little sassy: “Oh aren’t you so cute, you think you're the boss of me and can pull me into this negative loop.”
6. Become the cheerleader
One practice that made a huge difference for me when I started managing my own mindset was to have a nightly ritual. I had a post-it note on my bathroom mirror that said, “What went right today?” and another one that said, “3 things I’m proud of myself for today.” Then, every night, while brushing my teeth, I would look in the mirror and talk to myself. I know this sounds woo-woo, but play along. I would tell myself all the things that went right, all the things I did great, and everything I was proud of. You must learn how to celebrate you. Tell yourself you are amazing no matter what. Tell yourself you love you no matter what. I knew if I didn’t do this, my inner critic would continue to run the show, telling me all the things that went wrong for the day, all the things wrong with me, and all the things I did or said wrong. Shifting your focus on purpose and choosing to be in charge of your mindset will be life-altering!
Start your journey today
Taming your inner critic may feel overwhelming at first, but you don't have to face it alone. Take the first step towards overcoming self-criticism and self-doubt by implementing these strategies in your life. Remember, this is a practice, and it will take time to experience results. Have patience and compassion for yourself. I trust you have the power to rewrite your narrative! If you're ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, schedule your free coaching call today! We will work together to liberate you from the shackles of your inner critic and reclaim your authentic, compassionate self.
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Read more from Lisa Hansen
Lisa Hansen, Life Coach, Conscious Parenting Coach & Spiritual Mentor
Lisa Hansen has over 20 years of experience as a Life and Mindset Coach, Conscious Parenting Coach, and Spiritual Mentor. She believes anyone is capable of manifesting the life they truly want to be living, whether it’s to feel a greater sense of purpose, earn more money, improve their relationships, or become a more peaceful parent. Her passion is empowering women to live confidently, intuitively, and authentically. She helps her clients shed self-limiting beliefs, end self-sabotage, overcome their inner critic, and transform their lives into one full of self-love, self-acceptance, and empowerment.
