Written by: Erik Dmitriy Palatnik, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Are you tired of feeling like a victim of circumstance? Do you want to break free from the cycle of blame and frustration but don't know how? Blaming others and circumstances, or ourselves not only doesn't feel good, but it also leaves us feeling weak and powerless.
Let’s see what lies beneath the stressful feeling of frustration when life doesn't seem to go as expected and when people don't behave as we hope. Using practical examples, we'll take apart possible thought patterns in a “blame game” and find out how to take ownership of a situation. Start by understanding how your (re)actions are created and you will regain response-ability and power over your life!
The power of ownership
Sometimes, when something "bad" happens in life, we tend to see it as fate or bad luck. When others treat us “unfairly”, we may perceive it as unjust and feel the urge to respond in the same manner. This can quickly escalate into a conflict. However, the key is to understand that nobody and nothing can actually harm or stress us out; we ourselves create our feelings of stress and suffering. Always.
You might be thinking: "What? How is that possible?"
What I mean by that is not victim blaming. It’s about owning your life and taking responsibility instead of blaming the other person. The majority of any negative (or positive) situation and how it will affect us depends on how we perceive it. This is the power of ownership. While we may not be responsible for the events that occur or what others say or do to us, we are entirely responsible for how we choose to feel about these events and how we react to them — both internally (our emotions) and externally (our actions).
Yes, we choose to feel. We often make an unconscious choice about how we feel based on our thoughts and beliefs about how life should be. When reality doesn't align with our expectations, stress can arise.
Blaming others vs. self-blame
Let's consider an example: Sam and Colin both failed a job interview, and someone else was selected for the position. Sam immediately feels anger and blames the interviewer for misjudging him. Colin, on the other hand, feels sadness and blames himself for incompetence. Instead of taking ownership of the situation, which neither of them can control or change, they unconsciously choose to react by blaming the other person or themselves.
From a neutral perspective, the interviewer made a choice based on their experience, knowledge, and preferences. It's neither personal nor did the interviewer intend to harm or cause negative feelings in the candidates. They were simply doing their job.
Beliefs create expectations
Let’s imagine, we can peek into the heads of our two protagonists in our hypothetical example:
Sam has a perception of life in which he is used to blaming others and the circumstances he finds himself in. His thought patterns might be: "The interviewer worked inaccurately. He didn’t pay close attention to my words. He should’ve asked me other questions, so he would’ve seen all my strengths. He didn’t really even give me a chance. I'm always misunderstood, and others are unjust to me." Colin, on the other hand, tends to blame himself for what happens in his life. He often questions his self-worth, thinking: "Of course, I don’t have the experience they are looking for. I should’ve known better. I'm so foolish! Why should they want me? Why did I even try?"
Let’s pay close attention to the last sentences of the two. They are thoughts that can be traced back to our beliefs.
Our beliefs are “unshakable truths” in our heads, which were formed in our childhood when we were influenced by our parents, teachers, the media, and other sources. Our beliefs shape our expectations of life and of other people. We’ll dig deeper into this in a moment. So, if Sam’s belief is, for example, that life is often unjust and people around him are often unfair, he will expect this to happen in his life. In other words: he will always find an angle at which almost any situation will look this way. Colin’s belief might be that he is small and unimportant. You will easily recognize how he sees the interviewer's decision as confirmation of this.
Sam blames the interviewer and makes him fully responsible for what happened. He actually believes that the interviewer is responsible for his, Sam’s, feelings and reactions. This way he is giving his power away and is not taking ownership of his life. Colin, too, believes that the interviewer caused his feelings and reactions, yet he's blaming himself. Colin is also not taking ownership of the situation.
How to take ownership of a situation
In this situation, both Sam and Colin may initially feel disoriented because they both really wanted to work for that company and had perhaps already envisioned themselves in that position. However, both of them need to understand that this is just another experience, another step in their job search journey.
They can choose to feel enriched and grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow from this experience. They have the power to take control of how they react because it's our interpretation of a situation, not the situation itself, that shapes our feelings. You can choose to see your experiences as an opportunity to investigate yourself and to choose more of who you are. If you take responsibility for your own reactions, you will be at your most powerful. This is how You own a situation.
This is how You Own Your Life.
So, both, Sam and Colin, can look at this situation from the perspective of ownership, when they take responsibility for their thoughts and actions that led to the job interview and its outcome. They also can take responsibility for the thoughts and actions they take away from this situation. This is how they do not blame themselves and do not blame other people.
They do not feel like a victim, nor do they feel vulnerable. Easier said than done?
Reactions shaped by core beliefs
Our core beliefs are reflected in how we react to life's events. By examining our reactions, we can uncover our beliefs and understand how we interpret situations.
Sam's core belief might revolve around feeling misunderstood and unjustly treated by others. He tends to react to situations by becoming angry and blaming external factors, such as the interviewer's supposed misjudgment. This suggests that Sam may have a core belief related to not being valued or appreciated by others, which could have developed during his childhood. This belief may lead him to react defensively and with anger when faced with situations that challenge his self-esteem.
Colin's core beliefs revolve around feelings of inadequacy or incompetence. These core beliefs may include: “I’m not smart enough, I am unworthy, or I am a failure”.
Rewiring negative beliefs and taking charge of your life
Beliefs stem from childhood experiences but aren’t so unshakable after all. They require exploration and transformation through therapy or self-help methods to promote healthier self-esteem and self-worth. One can explore one’s childhood experiences, for example, with Rapid Transformational Therapy, to pinpoint when and how one acquired a certain belief. Often, negative beliefs develop gradually, influenced by multiple childhood experiences. However, one significant event from childhood can also profoundly impact a child's psyche and shape negative beliefs about themselves.
It's crucial to identify and rewire these negative beliefs by addressing the unstable child's psyche from an adult's perspective. Once these negative beliefs are addressed, situations that were previously perceived as judgmental will be interpreted in a neutral and impersonal manner. This is when we truly take ownership of our lives.
We can only take ownership of our lives by taking responsibility for our reactions, thoughts, and feelings, recognizing that they stem from our core beliefs.
If we don't change these negative beliefs, it becomes much more challenging not to (re)act out impulsively. What is responsibility after all? Isn’t it our response-ability? Isn’t it our ability to respond and to react in a way we want?
The flowers and the weed
We can view our positive feelings and reactions to life situations as flowers and our negative feelings and reactions as weeds. Our thoughts and beliefs would then be the roots of these plants. We have two options: we can dissect each stressful experience, working on our reactions and our “response-ability”. However, this must be done in every stressful situation because we're essentially trimming the visible part of the weed, and as we know, plants regrow.
Or, we can pull the weeds out by the roots by focusing on rewiring our beliefs.
If you choose the latter path to rewire your brain, remember that I'm here to assist you. Together, we can explore those deep-seated beliefs that influence your interpretations of situations. We'll challenge these beliefs and replace them with empowering ones. So, we won't just remove the weeds; we'll replace them with beautiful flowers. When you're ready to take full ownership of your life, know that support and transformation are within your reach.
Oh, you're right, weeds can grow back. Similarly, your brain loves repetition to establish new powerful beliefs. That's why you'll receive an audio recording to reinforce what we've achieved during your session. You'll weed out for 21 to 66 days, twice a day, ensuring your garden remains tidy and beautiful.
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Erik Dmitriy Palatnik, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Erik Dmitriy Palatnik is a renowned psychotherapeutic coach and hypnotherapist specialising in inner child work. He helps individuals overcome challenges like low self-esteem, social anxiety and self-sabotage by addressing childhood traumas and shifting their mindset towards a fulfilling future. Erik's own journey intertwines gender and identity reformation, which gives him a deep understanding and empathy and helps him to create a safe space for personal growth. His mission to help individuals realise their inner potential resonates in a world seeking authentic connection and self-expression. With fluency in English, German, and Russian, he effortlessly connects with individuals from diverse backgrounds.
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