Written by: Eszter Zsiray, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
One of the biggest gifts you can give yourself is to learn how to be the protagonist of your own life, instead of being a side character whose actions, decisions and reactions are always strongly influenced by others’ expectations and decisions. This is it, the final goal, if you manage to learn how to be in the driver's seat of your own bus, you will have the liberating freedom to be true to yourself and live a life that is absolutely aligned with your own values and not with the image that society, culture or family might force you to play.
1. Find your own strength
The key to start to live the life of your dreams is to believe that you not only deserve it but you are actually capable of way more things that you might think of. My experience shows that we all know quite clearly what we want but we lack the confidence, the faith in ourselves to actually go for it. Procrastination, the feeling that this is not the right time, or that this is maybe not for us in the end… these all are tricks of your brain to save you from putting yourself out there. These all serve you by keeping you safe in your comfort zone, even though that comfort zone is normally rather the well-known misery and nothing cosy and even less beneficial for you in the long term.
Coaching tip: the very first thing you can do is to understand your own strength. Wherever you are in your life, there must have been great achievements in your past, but when you are stuck in the present difficulties and you feel your life miserable and yourself impotent, you usually don’t feel them relevant. So what you can do is to sit down with a paper and a pen and list your past achievements, wins, things that make you proud of yourself. Obtaining your driving license, being a great cook, being a great friend, learning a foreign language, stand up for yourself against your manager the other day, finally finishing that 500 pages long book, getting over the loss of a loved one… it can be small or big, but sit down and try to write down 100 achievements from your life throughout the week.
Feel free to add newer and newer things whenever you have an idea. When you are ready, look at the list and read it out loud to yourself as if those were someone else’s achievements. How does it sound? Isn’t that person pretty awesome? Keep the list to help you to remember how many wonderful things you have already achieved, how many challenges you have already overcome in your life. This paper is the manifestation of your own power in your life. If you could do those things, you can do other, new miracles as well, right? It is just the question of selecting the perspective that serves you.
2. Design your future
The next step is to figure out what it is that you really want in life but you are actually not even trying or if you are even making some efforts, those are not working. Who did you always want to be? What were your dreams, how did you imagine your life? We all have a ton of things that we wish to do differently but somehow we never even start them, or we initiate them but we let them go after the first couple of challenges. Very often it is our ‘reasonable’ self that is second guessing all these dreams, because we were conditioned to play safe instead of taking risks. You want to be a writer? Oh come on, you would not be able to keep writing to finish even one chapter, and if yes, who on earth would be interested in what you write? You want to start a new business? Ridiculous, you are just simply not the entrepreneur type, and anyway, you would end up working more hours and being stressed out to learn how to run a business. You want to change careers? But aren’t you too old for that? You want to have a great relationship? Unfortunately, online dating is not for you, everyone is lying there or just wants to get laid.
Do you see how we convince ourselves and create a reality where all these ideas seem impossible and basically you look like a fool if you even try them? Good news, these are only realities created by our own minds. No one, I repeat, no one can predict the future, so all these outcomes only exist in your head, and you can try it, but most probably you will have no evidence to prove them. The only way to do so is to actually launch yourself and try it out!
Coaching tip: sit down and take random notes about what would make you happy, and leave now the ‘logical’ and ‘reasonable’ self of you behind, write down things, anything that just comes into your mind. What was always your dream profession? What are your secret wishes in your life? What new hobby would make you happier? What lifestyle would make you satisfied? If you could have a magic wand, what life would you ask for yourself?
3. Step up for the change
Now you have the boost of confidence and you have some rough ideas of what you want from life. The next step is to analyse the situation, what is it that you could actually do to get closer to that new life. If you want to be the owner of your own life, you will need to change your way of thinking. You should stop wasting energy and time on areas that you just can’t change and you need to drive your attention to all the opportunities that lay in front of you.
Being the owner of your own life doesn’t mean that you can do anything. It means that you understand the difference between what is within your control and out of your control – and you do your best to show up every day and make everything within your potential and that will make a huge difference and an enormous impact on your life.
Coaching tip: think on your goal and list all the actions that are outside of your control and then those that are definitely within your control. Focus on all the actions, reactions, thoughts that are within your power to change and spend some time to connect with these. Sometimes what you can do is not a tangible action but a new perspective, a new way of approaching tasks, people. For example, if you wanted to be the owner of a nice, pretty B&B in the rural areas, you can definitely work on your entrepreneur mindset and visualise yourself as someone successfully running this business, chitchatting with the guests, offering special home-made and ecological breakfast from the vegetables you grow in your garden, and in general enjoying your daily work and fulfilling yourself in this life dream. With having a different perspective on yourself, you might see more possibilities there. In other cases you might end up with more tangible actions, like checking the legal requirements to establish a B&B, or checking out some real estate websites to be aware of the market’s prices.
4. Adopt your language and mindset
When you think on your future plans, make sure that you think and talk as an owner. When you express yourself as if you were forced to work on all these areas, it will result in quite a victim-like energy. However, if you are thinking as an owner, with your own free will, because this is what you really want to do... that is again a different vibration, there you feel powerful and capable – and you actually are!
I have to check out the legislation, I need to sit down and work on my strengths… I must book some time every week to dedicate to writing. I should really sign up now to that knitting group I saw the other day…
Or you can think and say the following: I want to check out the legislation, I can’t wait to sit down and work on my strengths… I will book some time to dedicate to writing right now. I am so excited to finally sign up to that knitting club! The vibration is different, isn’t it?
Coaching tip: thinking with a victim mindset is sometimes nothing more than a habit. Try to observe yourself and catch the moments when you use these expressions again with should, have to, must, need to and change them immediately into a more powerful thought. You will shortly change this habit and you will feel way more empowered.
5. Just do it
After all these steps, there is nothing more left than actually take responsibility and making a change. You can start with a smaller or a bigger one, whichever you feel the best. What matters is that you tried, that you put yourself out there and with trying and trying you will definitely have your results. Remember, if you always take the same actions and you always think the same thoughts, the outcome will always be exactly the same. To make a change you simply need to start to try different things and have a different approach, a different perspective.
It is amazing to see how people change when they get themselves into something new, something they always dreamed about. These dreams usually look huge and scary, but with taking a couple of steps ahead, they get more real and reachable. With trying and then getting their first results, they just realise that the reality they created for themselves has nothing to do with real life, those excuses and ‘reasonable’ thoughts lose their power as they step into the new reality where opportunities are wide open.
Eszter Zsiray, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Eszter Zsiray is a Certified Life Coach, author, blogger and creator of the program VELL©, supporting her clients on three continents to successfully transform their lives.
With 17+ years of leadership experience she is passionate about human potential and growth. Her research areas are ownership & responsibility, self-sabotaging behaviours, the positive impact of confidence and empowerment, growth mindset and healthy habits for a mental and physical wellbeing.
As a mother herself she is committed to serve women and mums and she created a special programme for new mothers to adjust to the new life challenges and a programme for women entrepreneurs to shift into the proper mindset and to thrive in their professional and personal lives.
