Siân Marron is trauma-informed Spinal Energetics Practitioner & Intuitive Coach with expertise in mind-body alignment. She helps people reconnect with their body's innate wisdom so they can release unprocessed trauma and emotions from the body.
I drift in and out of focus. I feel myself trying to pretend like his words don’t physically hurt. I hear them, but they don’t feel like they belong to me.
‘I don’t love you.’
‘I’ve been content without you.’
‘I haven’t missed you. I thought I would, but I haven’t.’
‘I don’t want to try.’
‘I don’t love you.’
The words linger and echo but don’t evaporate. I blink to try and bat them away. They stick to my skin. It feels like they’re seared into my lungs and I can’t catch my breath. I feel everything and absolutely nothing. Surely, this is just a big misunderstanding. I signed up for life. There must have been a mistake. How has it come to this? He’s meant to be my person. My head spins, and I kick into auto-drive.
‘So what are you saying?’ I ask.
He stays silent.
‘What are you saying?’ I ask again.
‘I’m saying I don’t want to try,’ he said quietly, avoiding eye contact.
‘You want a divorce,’ I say as a calm statement as my throat closes.
It feels like his words have sucked the oxygen from the air around me.
I can’t breathe.
When my ex-husband uttered those words, “shocked” doesn’t cover it. Sure, I knew things between us weren’t perfect at the time but him giving up on what I felt was our first marital hurdle shook me to the fucking core. I couldn’t comprehend it. I honestly thought it was a joke, not haha funny but something he would realise was ridiculous. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, he will change his mind, he’s just going through a difficult time, we will get through this, we’re ‘ones’, we agreed forever, I delusionally reassured myself.
If you’ve ever found yourself at the receiving end of a surprise divorce, you’ll know it feels like your whole world has caved in around you. Everything you thought was true, isn’t. The promises, broken. The future you planned, gone. For me, it was a shitstorm of questions, confusion and quite frankly the worst pain I’ve ever endured. The one that relentlessly and desperately echoed in my head, why doesn’t he love me?
3 years after those words, I honestly can’t believe where I am now and what a fricken journey it’s been looking back. I can safely say that my divorce took me to the most desperate, dark time in my life so far. I had never considered a life without my ex-husband. I had no idea what I wanted. I had no idea how to manage the intolerable, overwhelming feelings. I didn’t know how or whether I wanted to create a life without him. Sounds dramatic but he was my world. Everything revolved around him. He was my ‘why?’ for so long, my safety, my home which made for a very sobering unravelling when everything fell apart.
Despite the despair, confusion and all consuming shit storm, I can honestly say that I have never been happier and am living a life I could only have dreamt of back then. For a long while there though, I couldn’t see a way through.
If you’re in the thick of it and trying to find your way through, these are three things I wish I knew back then
1. Let yourself fall apart & grieve
The body stores unprocessed emotion and trauma if we don’t feel safe to express it. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel it all, the sadness, the anger, the grief, the disappointment, often that energy will show up as pain and dis-ease in the body. I would’ve saved myself alot of physical pain if I’d cultivated the safety and given myself permission to feel it all earlier. For a good while, I was actually scared to lean into what I was feeling. I’d allow myself to cry but I had a limit, it was contained. I thought that if I really let my feelings out the bag, they might drown me. Having struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to pull myself out of my hole. Losing your person and the future you’d planned together is loss, allow yourself to feel it. You don’t have to hold it together. Give yourself permission to unravel. Cry, wail, scream, be angry, be sad, lean into whatever wants to be expressed.
2. Let people support you
I have always been more of the supporter than the supportee. It’s always felt a lot more comfortable giving support than receiving it. My divorce helped me learn to accept people’s care and support, because I was an absolute mess and didn’t really have a choice. Whether it’s people you trust or a therapist, don’t do it alone. Divorce can be a lonely, confusing journey and even if people around you don’t get it, moments of respite and realising that you have people who love and care for you makes such a difference.
3. Find something that makes you feel alive
I don’t know about you but my ex-husband really was the centre of my universe. I channelled so much energy into him, what I thought he wanted, supporting him and planning our life. It felt bizarre to have that void when we split up. It felt icky at first, I had no idea what to do with myself. I had all this time and energy available that I didn’t before. My life had opened up but I had no clue what to fill it with.
I allocated the majority of this energy to worrying about the future, ruminating over the past, asking unanswerable myself tormenting answerable questions like ‘why doesn’t he love me?’ One of the most powerful things on my healing journey was reconnecting with things that I enjoy and make me feel truly alive. I started to do the things on my ‘one day’ list that hadn’t happened because I was hoping he’d want to do them with me. I started climbing mountains again. For me, being in nature and at the top of a mountain is a uniquely awesome feeling where I feel like I can conquer anything. I joined an awesome hiking group and met some amazing people. I started living life for myself again. It helped me rediscover who I was, what made me happy, and frankly, got me out the house and dressed in the heavy, early days of separation.
What's next after divorce?
If you’re going through a surprise divorce and dealing with the loss of your marriage or relationship right now, this is what I also wish I’d known this:
You are going to be ok, life is going to get better, the pain will eventually fade and become less intense, you are going to see things differently as time goes on. This is going to be hard, this is going to change you but this is also going to transform you and your life in the most unexpected and liberating ways.
If you’re negotiating a surprise divorce yourself and want extra support, I’ve written a book called Why Doesn’t He Love Me?; How My Whole Life Imploding Made Me Realise I Was Asking The Wrong Question. It is a personal account of my divorce, healing journey and a practical guide for anyone else trying to come to terms with losing their partner and the life they had planned out for them. It includes more things I wish I’d knew, meditations, journal prompts, healing activities and support options. If you’re in that darkness, know that I see you and you are not alone.
Read more from Siân Marron
Siân Marron, Spinal Energetics Practitioner & Coach
Siân Marron is trauma-informed Spinal Energetics Practitioner & Coach with expertise in mind-body alignment. She is an ex-probation officer with extensive experience with emotional health issues, who found energy and somatic work in the throes of burnout and anxiety. When it helped her completely heal from a 'lifelong' autoimmune disease, eliminate the anxiety, and get through a difficult divorce, she knew with every cell in body that she'd found her next calling. Now, nothing lights her up more than helping others heal and live brighter, more vibrant lives.
