Inese Vorobjova is a professionally qualified BACP – registered psychotherapist and counsellor with a Diploma in Integrative Psychotherapy. Inese offers one-to-one confidential psychotherapy and runs workshops internationally online.
Mastering the art of saying 'no' is crucial for personal growth and maintaining healthy boundaries. This guide outlines practical steps to help you recognize and explore your fears, understand your reasons for saying 'yes,' and adjust your expectations. Learn to communicate assertively, take time before responding, and start with small changes to break the habit of people-pleasing. Seek support from friends or professionals, and celebrate every win, no matter how small. Embrace discomfort as a sign of progress, and remember that change is possible with patience and persistence.
1. Recognise your fears
Start by identifying the fears that keep you stuck. What prevents you from saying no? Most commonly, people tend to fear rejection, conflict, being judged, being called selfish or disappointing people.
2. Explore your fears in depth
Be curious. Ask yourself: ‘What am I afraid of? What am I avoiding? What don’t I want to experience again?’ In some way, your fears have been serving you over the years. Ask yourself: ‘What has been the benefit of having my fears rule my choices and behaviour?’ But also ask yourself: ‘How have my fears impacted on me negatively?’
3. Ask why you keep saying yes
It is very important to know your ‘why’. Why is it important for you to say yes? By saying yes to something, what are you saying no to in yourself.
4. Change your expectations
It’s time to put aside your perfectionism and high expectations for yourself. Something has been driving you to keep saying yes. It’s time to address this lifetime habit.
5. Learn to communicate assertively
It is your responsibility to learn new ways to communicate so you can express your no and set boundaries.
6. Pause – Don’t respond immediately
When something is asked of us, we often respond immediately from a place of habit. Instead, give yourself time to think – maybe five minutes, however long you need. You don’t have to respond immediately. Take your time to consider what you really want and speak from that place.
7. Start small
Set yourself small challenges to help break the habit of people pleasing. Ask for croissant in a café then change your mind at the till. Return a meal you aren’t happy with. On a car journey, ask for the music you want to listen to.
8. Find support
Changing habits can be hard. Reach out to a friend or someone who understands what you are trying to achieve. Write down some empowering quotes to uplift you when you struggle. Find things that comfort and soothe you.
9. Celebrate wins
Any win matters. In fact, there is no such thing as a ‘small’ win! Celebrating your wins will build your confidence and keep the ball rolling.
Conclusion
Your true, authentic thoughts, feelings and preferences have been waiting in a corner, hoping you will notice them. Perhaps they are quiet having become covered in a thick layer of dust – or perhaps they are starting to scream out for you to notice them. It is normal to experience discomfort as you learn to say no. This discomfort is a sign you are leaning into something new. Your way of being in the world is not set in stone – whatever you have learned can be unlearned. Thinking about our lives in different ways – as described above – can empower us to see ourselves and our relationships differently. And you don’t need to embark on this journey alone: it can help to seek the support of a professional with whom we can share our experiences.
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Inese Vorobjova, Registered Psychotherapist and Counsellor
Inese Vorobjova is a professionally qualified BACP – registered psychotherapist and counsellor with a Diploma in Integrative Psychotherapy. Inese offers one-to-one confidential psychotherapy and runs workshops internationally online. Inese specializes in assertiveness, boundary management, communication skills, standing up for one’s needs and wants, end of relationship, other relationship issues, raising self-esteem, bereavement and loss and works with a range of issues. Inese believes that offer emotional support and non-judgement. Being able to explore the uniqueness of one’s experience at one’s own pace, feeling understood, seen and accepted can be a journey of healing and transformation.
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