Written by Elizabeth Congdon, Team and Leadership Coach
Elizabeth Congdon, is a Team & Leadership Coach rooted in Creative Consciousness' Coaching. She guides individuals, teams, and organizations to clarify and align their purpose, values, and goals. Her work cultivates cultures that ignite growth, unlocking full potential in high-performing individuals and teams who consistently achieve impactful results.
A culture of accountability is key to team success, yet blame often stands in the way. Blame destroys healthy, accountable behaviours. Like micromanagement, blame is poison to a healthy culture. It destroys transparency, weakens trust, erodes respect, and blocks problem-solving.
Blame, however, is a natural human reaction, but it often blocks clear thinking and teamwork. When we learn to shift from blame to ownership, we activate a part of our brain that allows us to think clearly, solve problems, and work better together.
What is blame?
The dictionary defines blame as " feeling or declaring that someone or something is responsible for fault or wrong."
Blame, in essence, is not taking responsibility for your actions or inactions or for the part you play when things go wrong. It is when you disapprove because of some error, mistake, neglect, or omission and place the responsibility for a problem or a negative situation on someone else.
Other words that describe blame are accountability, guilt, liability, onus, and finding fault.
The opposite of blame is praise, forgive, help, ratification, recommendation.
Why do we blame?
Blame is a natural reaction when things go wrong. Humans are wired to blame; it is an unconscious way of protecting themselves and feeling safe. Blame is an automatic reaction triggered by the subconscious mind in reaction to either an actual physical threat or thoughts based on what you believe to be true.
What does blame do to our brains?
In the blame state, the amygdala, the part of our brain linked to fear, is activated, placing us in the red brain state. In this state, the brain perceives a situation as a threat, triggering stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. The stress response impacts our psychological and physical state in the following ways, as explained by Dr Chantal Hofstee in her book Mindfulness on the Run:
Psychological effects:
Judgmental, black-and-white thinking
Narrow and fixed point of view
Disconnection from others
Physical effects:
Stopped or slow digestion
Increased blood pressure and blood sugar
Suppressed immune system
These effects can lead to further consequences, including:
Decreased compassion and empathy
Reverting back to old patterns
Overlooking information
Bad decision-making and prioritizing
The red brain state is helpful for safety in so far it is an alert to respond, a call to do something. Just as feeling pain from touching a hot stove signals the need to pull back, negative emotions alert you to respond. Staying in the negative emotions is like keeping your hand on the hot stovetop. Staying in the red brain state does not help when worrying about a difficult conversation or owning up to a mistake; it keeps you in a cycle of defensiveness or blame.
Why must we shift?
When we are in the red brain state, our minds naturally shift towards negativity and defensiveness, and it is easy to fall into a cycle of blame: blame for self, blame for others, or blame the situation.
To break out of this cycle, we need to activate the prefrontal cortex, moving into what's known as the "green brain" state. This calm and centered state allows you to be aware and present. In this state, the relationship hormone oxytocin is released, and according to Dr. Chantal Hofstee, it leads to beneficial effects such as:
Physiological effects:
Connection with others
Seeing the bigger picture
Feeling calm and in control
Non-judgmental thinking
Physical effects:
Optimal immune system
Reduce blood sugar and blood pressure
Deep breathing
The overall impact of these effects is:
Eye for detail as well as the bigger picture
Creative problem-solving
Good decision-making and prioritisation
In the green state, your defenses come down, making all your mental resources accessible. This state unlocks creativity and flexibility, essential for problem-solving and teamwork. As the Harvard Business Review explains, teams that avoid blame and focus on accountability become more resilient, build trust, and solve problems together, all ingredients for a healthy culture.
Shift from blame to ownership
Shifting from blame to ownership starts with recognizing that accountability begins with each of us. Committing to ownership involves reflecting on our actions and inactions, considering different perspectives, and intentionally using practical tools to acknowledge our role in any situation.
1. Choose with intention
Intentional choice begins with self-awareness, a foundation for managing our reactions and creating a healthy team culture. Mindfulness is a powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness, and in its simplest form, mindfulness consists of three key elements: Attention, Awareness, and Attitude.
Attention focuses on the present moment, not on the past or the future, purely on the now.
Awareness is paying attention to one's thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. This self-awareness helps one understand one's internal state.
Attitude of being kind to yourself and others, being non-judgemental. A kind attitude means you accept what is without arguing with the facts or thinking it should be different.
When you practice mindfulness, you’re not just present; you’re taking charge of your reactions, turning automatic blame into ownership. For example, you risk slipping into blame mode when you become aware of using phrases like "I should" and "They should," or you feel guilt, disappointment, or tension in your body. Take this as a cue to pause and consciously choose how to respond. Imagine a project where your team is struggling to meet deadlines, and the immediate reaction is to blame the leadership for not prioritizing effectively (they should have) or another team for missing key milestones. Instead of staying in blame mode, pause and reflect on your own role: "What could I have done to communicate my workload better?" or "Did I make an effort to clarify expectations with the other team?
2. Reflective thinking as a regular practice
Schedule time for reflective thinking daily, weekly, or monthly and make it a regular part of your routine. Find a spot where you feel comfortable, whether at home, the office, a park, or a café, and settle into reflection with an open mind. Be gentle, kind, and flexible as you think through your experiences. Writing down your thoughts can bring additional clarity and make the reflection process more powerful. Explore in awe by reflecting on these guiding questions to help you shift from blame to ownership:
Basic reflection questions:
What made me act up / react the way I did?
What made the other person act /react the way they did?
How might I have contributed to or triggered this behaviour?
Advanced reflection for self-awareness:
What specifically about the other person’s behavior upset, angered, or saddened me?
Was it something about who they were, how they appeared, or what they said?
What automatic assumptions did I make?
You will gain insights into your patterns, reactions, and assumptions, allowing you to shift from blame to taking ownership of your actions and inactions and the actions or inactions of the other person.
3. Perceptual positioning
The 3Ps model, rooted in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), founded by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, is designed to provide a more balanced and empathetic perspective on any situation by viewing it from three distinct positions. This approach allows you to build empathy, gain objectivity, and develop a fuller understanding.
Position 1: Your own perspective
In the first position, see the situation through your own eyes. Imagine yourself actively experiencing the situation again and explore the following:
What do you see?
What do you hear?
What are you telling yourself?
What are you thinking?
How are you responding physically and emotionally?
This perspective helps you gather insights from your point of view. Note any blame, judgments, or assumptions. Once you have done this, consciously and physically step out of this position by moving to another seat.
Position 2: The other person's perspective
Now, shift into the second position by imagining yourself in the other person's shoes. Try to see and feel things as they might. Ask yourself:
What might they be feeling?
What might they hear?
What might they see?
How would they describe the situation from their perspective?
This step offers insight into their reactions and experiences. Once you've gathered this information, consciously and physically move to another seat and step out of this position.
Position 3: The neutral observer's perspective
Finally, move to the third position of a neutral observer. Imagine you're an uninvolved party, viewing the situation from an objective distance. Observe and reflect on the dynamics without any personal attachment, exploring:
What are the behaviors, actions, and interactions they might see?
How might they describe the situation?
This position allows you to see the broader picture, bringing awareness to the different perspectives without being influenced by personal biases.
The 3Ps approach helps you break free of automatic reactive patterns, build empathy, and view situations with balanced, informed awareness.
The completion tools: Acknowledge, let go, decide
Developed by Marc Steinberg from Creative Consciousness, the 3C helps you get unstuck, move forward, and be complete with an issue. When you are stuck, you cannot commit, take responsibility, or establish a clear direction and action.
Acknowledge
Acknowledgment means accepting the reality of a situation without resistance. Resistance manifests as explaining, justifying, defending, or complaining; it's the story we create around the facts. By simply acknowledging what it is, you return to the actual facts, enabling ownership of the situation.
For example:
“I acknowledge that I did not arrive for the meeting on time.” vs. blaming the traffic or the previous meeting overrun.
“I acknowledge that I did not complete the task as expected.” vs. blaming the stakeholder for not being available.
"I acknowledge that I did not confirm that the person clearly understood my expectations." vs. blaming the other person for not listening.
Letting go
Letting go lets you find closure by releasing a fixed belief, assumption, demand, or plan. It helps you stop holding onto ideas of "being right" or "being wrong" and opens up new possibilities.
For example:
"I let go of my assumption that I need to give detailed instructions on how the team must complete the work."
“I let go of my assumption that my manager does not like me.”
"I let go of my solution to the problem."
Decision
Indecision keeps you stuck. Making a decision aligns your focus and directs your energy toward action.
For example:
"I decide to consider different solutions." vs blaming your colleagues for not seeing your point of view.
The 3Cs help you to shift into ownership by objectively accepting the facts, breaking the “I am right” and “you are wrong” cycle, and opening up to new possibilities.
Let’s lead with ownership
Blame creates defensiveness, undermines trust, and stops collaboration in its tracks. We can break this detrimental pattern by embracing ownership instead of blame. Be the person who starts ownership in your team. Let's create workplaces where everyone is proud of their work and contribution. Contact me, your leadership and team coach, today to walk the path of ownership.
Ready to transform your organization with purpose and clarity? Reach out now to start your journey with Elizabeth Congdon | LinkedIn | Website
Elizabeth Congdon, Team and Leadership Coach
Elizabeth Congdon is a team and leadership coach who brings a unique blend of experiences to her practice. She empowers people to embrace innovative thinking and adaptability. With a foundation in creative consciousness coaching and a background in leading business transformation, digital transformation, and agile ways of working projects for global companies, she excels at guiding individuals, teams, and organizations toward clarity and alignment in their purpose, values, and goals. Elizabeth fosters inclusive cultures that promote courage, confidence, and creative thinking. Her holistic coaching approach ignites team engagement and collaboration, resulting in high-performing teams and individuals.
.jpg)