Maren Kristensen specialises in women’s mental health and is the founder of Therapy With Maren. In her signature therapy program, flourish, she helps women of all ages and backgrounds access joy, success & fulfillment in all parts of life.
One of the most common struggles people bring to therapy is the relentless self-criticism running through their minds, telling them they aren’t good enough and that others do it better. This way of speaking often goes completely unchecked. So, if you take a moment right now and think back on how you have been speaking to yourself over the past week, ask yourself: Would you speak to a loved one in the same way?
My guess is no. Your self-talk is like a radio station playing in the background of your life. Sometimes it’s subtle, other times it’s blaring, and what it's broadcasting matters. It can either uplift you or tear you down. The station you tune into shapes how you see yourself, handle challenges, and move through the world.
Negative self-talk: Harsh, self-defeating thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “I always mess up,” or “I can’t do this as well as”
Positive self-talk: Encouraging and supportive thoughts like “I can figure this out” or “I am doing my best.”
Why negative self-talk is so common
For many, being hard on themselves feels second nature, while offering self-compassion feels foreign, maybe even uncomfortable. The roots of negative self-talk are different for everyone. Some people internalized it as children, never quite feeling good enough. Others picked it up from cultural messages, societal expectations, or past failures that left deep scars.
Yet, I think there are three commonly shared experiences that make negative self-talk such a widespread phenomenon:
The brain’s negativity bias: We all have brains wired to focus on threats, which can make us overly critical and analytical of ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Cultural and social norms: The belief that self-criticism equals humility or self-improvement is often taught across cultures, reinforcing the habit of harsh self-judgment.
Early conditioning: Many of us grew up with high expectations or frequent criticism, creating pressure to achieve. Since childhood sets the stage for how you speak to yourself, that inner voice may still be echoing today.
Why you shouldn't accept negative self-talk
“It just feels like I’m trying to convince myself of something I don’t believe.” Sound familiar?
I hear this all the time from people who want to be kinder to themselves but feel stuck in self-criticism. And I think that really makes sense. Because if you’ve been listening to the same critical voice for years, of course change will feel unnatural at first, especially when it comes to positivity or supportiveness.
But if we gave up on everything that felt unnatural the first time we tried, we’d never learn any new skills. Imagine if you quit learning to ride a bike after one wobbly attempt. Or if you gave up on a new language because the words didn’t flow easily at first.
Changing how you talk to yourself is no different. Just because it feels uncomfortable at first doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing.
How negative self-talk affects you
Harsh self-talk does more than ruin your mood, it creates the narrative of your life. Constant self-criticism can:
Create a cycle of shame and avoidance
Undermine your confidence in relationships and career
Make self-compassion and forgiveness feel impossible
Contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety
Lead to low self-esteem and chronic self-doubt
Leave you burned out
The good news? Just as negativity is learned, it can be unlearned.
How to transform your self-talk and silence your inner critic
Self-talk is not set in stone. It’s a habit you can rewire with practice. I find that combining mindful awareness with cognitive reframing is most commonly embraced by my clients. It’s easy to implement and gives you a chance to reframe the narrative by which you live. Here’s how to start:
1. Build awareness
The first step is simply noticing your inner dialogue. What are you saying to yourself?
Keep a journal of recurring negative thoughts.
Reflect on when these thoughts arise and how they make you feel.
2. Reframe negative thoughts
Once you catch a critical thought, challenge it.
Is this 100% true?
I’m terrible at this.
”Reframe: → “I’m learning, and mistakes are part of the process.”
3. The “best friend” test
Would you say your self-critical thoughts to a close friend? If not, why say them to yourself?
Practice speaking to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer someone you love.
4. Daily affirmations
Affirmations help reprogram your subconscious mind. Try saying:
“I am worthy of love and respect.”
“I am capable and resilient.”
“I choose progress over perfection.”
Write them down. Say them aloud. Let them sink in.
If you want some practical exercises to help change your inner language, this blog post is a wonderful resource and can give you a great place to start.
Additionally, take care of yourself and your environment.
Actions matter. You also communicate through action and your environment how you care about yourself.
Create a consistent cleaning and tidying routine. Take a hot shower and moisturise. Go out for dinner. Move your body daily.
The power of consistency: Small changes, big impact
Shifting your self-talk won’t happen overnight. But every time you catch a negative thought and choose a kinder one instead, you’re rewiring your brain for self-compassion.
Start with one small shift today.
Because you deserve to be spoken to with love, especially by yourself.
Read more from Maren Kristensen
Maren Kristensen, Psychologist and Mindfulness Coach
Maren Kristensen is an up-and-coming leader in the women’s mental health industry. Her education, clinical experience, and personal mental health journey give her an in-depth understanding of the mind-body connection and how it impacts overall well-being. As the founder of Therapy With Maren, she guides women all over the world to move from self-doubt to self-love so they can live the life they actually want. With a strong belief that caring for your mental health should be a manageable, practical, and celebrated part of life, her holistic therapy program, flourish, is paving a new path of mental health support for women.
