Beth Jackson is an experienced psychotherapist and coach, working with clients across the UK and beyond. In counselling, she specialises in anxiety and self-esteem support and also works with many couples as well as those working through grief and trauma.
We all have times when our inner voice constantly shouts or whispers negatives at us. Perhaps this happens so often inside your head that it has become automatic, just background noise. It may even seem natural. Maybe you’re now so unaware of it that you think, "What does it matter?" However, the effects on our mental well-being and self-esteem are long-lasting in a subtle yet destructive way.
I often say to clients, when we are working on this subject or exploring self-esteem: imagine a classroom of primary-aged children. Now imagine one child coming to speak to the teacher. This child only receives negativity at home. All the messages and comments they hear are critical. The voice they hear at home is impatient and irritated. How do you imagine that child will behave in the classroom? We usually agree that they will be nervous, full of self-doubt, anxious, and unhappy.
Now imagine another child. At home, this child only receives positivity and praise. They are given recognition for the wonderful things they do and are encouraged, even when they get things wrong. How do you imagine that child will behave in the classroom? Again, we usually agree. They will be confident, curious, keen to try new things, and resilient when things don’t work out the way they imagine. That child will persevere and probably spread positivity to those around them.
So why do we often say only negative things to ourselves when we can clearly recognize the slow but destructive effect this can have?
1. Listen to the voice and pause
Often, we don’t realize we are speaking to ourselves this way. But I challenge you now to pay attention to the tone and the messages you use. Once you notice the negatives ("I can’t believe you didn’t get that right," "That was so stupid," "You idiot!"), it’s time to take a breath and pause.
2. Patterns
We know that our brain works in patterns. We tend to think in certain ways, and over time these patterns (thoughts and behaviors) become automatic. This is why CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can be so effective, as it helps us see connections between our thoughts, behaviors, and patterns. By being reflective, we can question ourselves and begin to recognize these patterns that have become automatic. Often, working with a therapist or coach can also be helpful.
3. History
Finally hearing and recognizing your inner negative voice can take a lot of practise. If it has become background noise, you’ll need to really tune in. As we’ve said, it may have developed into a historic and automatic pattern, but the good news is that all patterns can be changed and rewritten.
You may want to consider where this negative voice has come from. Is it from childhood? Were there negative and critical voices you now repeat to yourself? Perhaps it has come from other significant people in your life, like a partner. Maybe you blame yourself for something, and the voice has developed over time. You may find it helpful to reflect on this. Understanding where it has come from and why it developed can make adjusting it easier.
4. Comparison
We know that comparison can rob us of joy. However, we continue to do it. Social media can give us a very inaccurate picture of how others are living, looking, and loving. We know logically that what we see on social media isn’t accurate, but this often doesn’t stop us from criticizing ourselves as we compare the worst parts of ourselves to the best parts of others. No wonder this increases the negative thoughts and voices in our heads.
5. What to do
Once you’ve heard the negative voice and “pressed pause,” it can be helpful to fact-check what the voice is saying. First of all, are there absolute words in your message? Look for words like “never,” “always,” “have to,” or “must.”
For example, if you say, “I never get that right,” pause and fact-check. Never? That’s not true for a start. This is the point where you need to rewrite the message so that you can rewrite the inner thought. A more realistic message might be: “OK, so I didn’t get it totally right on this occasion, but good on me for continuing to try.”
This may seem contrived or unnatural at first, but what is the outcome? The event is still the same, we got something wrong. However, we feel less anxious and unhappy and more ready to approach things differently. Even in a court of law, it’s not just the prosecutor who is heard; it’s only fair to hear the defense too.
Would you speak to anyone else in such a negative tone? So why is it OK to talk to ourselves that way? It may feel like a cliché to say, “Talk to yourself like you would to a friend,” but we now recognize the harmful effects of speaking down to ourselves constantly.
Take time to reflect on your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Recognizing your successes can boost your confidence and help counteract feelings of inadequacy. Celebrate your victories, whether it’s completing a project, receiving positive feedback, or mastering a new skill. By acknowledging your accomplishments, you can build a stronger sense of self-worth and resilience against impostor syndrome.
6. Take responsibility
Realistically, we all make mistakes at times. Owning up to them and making amends is the important part. Beating ourselves up and never forgiving ourselves only leads to misery and anxiety. Forgiveness is about moving forward; it doesn’t mean forgetting what has happened, but it does mean allowing ourselves to move in a new direction, hopefully learning from the past.
7. Commit: It takes time
Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs), just like negative messages, can be hard to work against. Be patient with yourself and recognize that changing these patterns takes time and commitment. Many clients I’ve worked with have described changing the tone they use with themselves as “embarrassing” or “awkward.” They may even have been skeptical that things could change. But as the days turn into weeks, they always share how it becomes easier and how much better they feel.
Remember, thoughts are just thoughts. They are real but often not true! Taking control of our thoughts and not allowing them to spiral takes practise. Sometimes, it feels like recurring thoughts are “sticky”, they keep coming back. Try imagining them as annoying pop-ups and keep swiping them away. Then, replace them with more accurate thoughts based on proper evidence.
8. Recognize successes
As soon as you notice that you’ve paused negative thoughts more quickly, defended yourself internally, or found it easier to spot positives, celebrate this. This is evidence that you are changing those thought patterns.
Another helpful practice is to try a positivity journal. Writing in it daily, every few days, or even weekly allows time for your thoughts to slow down. Reflecting on things you have done well, things you like about yourself, or what you feel grateful for can have a lasting impact on your sense of well-being.
Read more from Beth Jackson
Beth Jackson, Psychotherapist/Counsellor and Coach
Beth Jackson works as a psychotherapist and coach in her private practice in the UK and online across the world. She focuses on the aims of the client, working sensitively and supportively to help change happen quickly. Her intention is for clients to recognise their own capabilities and help them empower themselves to live the life they want.
