Much of Tuera Holland's work involves assisting clients as they learn to set and honor their boundaries by reflecting on the conditioning that often happens as part of a marginalized experience. Her work examines factors including familial culture, societal norms and pressures, as well as relational trauma.
As mental and emotional health-related concepts become more accessible and less stigmatized, you’ve probably noticed that some of these ideas have gained significant popularity, appearing not just in therapeutic spaces but also in mainstream media and possibly at your own dinner table. Hearing such terms so often can make it tempting to dismiss them as buzzwords, but I assure you that introducing boundaries into your relationships lives up to the hype when done in a healthy and consistent way.
Right now, you may be asking yourself: If boundaries are so important, then why wasn’t I taught about them growing up or in school? The truth is, most likely, you were, but without realizing it. You were probably taught to eat off your own plate and encouraged not to use another person’s toothbrush. These are personal boundaries that children can understand. However, the boundaries we set as children are very simple compared to the ones we may need to assert as adults. In addition to this, many of us have been conditioned, on our paths to adulthood, to center the feelings and comfort of others while neglecting our own. This can make it very uncomfortable to assert and honor our own boundaries, even evoking feelings of guilt. Fortunately, conversations about self-care and self-advocacy have created space to reflect on this way of navigating relationships. The evolution of what we now consider to be functional relationship dynamics has highlighted the importance of setting and honoring healthy boundaries.
So, let’s start with understanding why boundaries are important. Boundaries are the guidelines that keep us safe and comfortable within the context of our relationships. Because each relationship is different, the boundaries you set with one person may not be necessary or make sense to set with someone else. For instance, it may be okay for your younger sister to call you by a childhood nickname, but that doesn’t mean it’s also okay for a direct report at your job to call you by that same name. It may be appropriate for your significant other to call you at 10 p.m., yet that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for colleagues to call you at 10 p.m. about work-related tasks. While we do not get to choose every relationship that exists in our lives, we do want the relationships we are in to be safe and mostly comfortable.
Why setting boundaries can be challenging
You may have noticed that some people find boundary-setting more challenging than others. Often, those of us who struggle with setting boundaries tend to freeze or fawn when experiencing behavior that makes us feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Freezing involves saying nothing while fawning entails pretending the behavior is acceptable to survive the moment without offending the person(s) involved. We may even laugh or smile, all the while feeling violated or disappointed. This may seem like a natural inclination but is, in fact, a trauma response you most likely learned in early childhood. The good news is that any behavior we have learned can also be unlearned. If you notice that you typically freeze or fawn when feeling unsafe, practice setting boundaries in the mirror or with a partner until the words start to flow more naturally and you feel more confident. Working with a trained mental health professional can also help you develop tools and grounding techniques to use when experiencing fight-or-flight responses (which include freezing and fawning).
Another barrier to boundary-setting is familial culture. In families where enmeshment is present, family members are groomed to believe boundaries are unnecessary or even mean or disrespectful. Enmeshment is essentially the absence of boundaries. It can manifest as a sibling giving unsolicited advice or criticism, a parent using the child as a confidante, or the belief that family members don’t need privacy and should share one perspective rather than having individual outlooks that reflect their lived experiences and acquired knowledge.
Enmeshment can be tricky because it is often mistaken for closeness. A person who has grown up in an enmeshed environment will not only not have had much practice setting their own boundaries but may also mistake the boundaries of others as a personal attack. So not only will they need to learn how to set and respect boundaries, but they will also need to unlearn their initial interpretation of boundaries as a harmful, unnecessary idea. Luckily, there are a lot of resources available to help with this emotional, reflective process. For those who are ready to begin setting boundaries but are not sure where to start, below are five steps to help you along your journey to healthier relationships.
1. Get to know the limits of your comfort
Your boundaries are about you, which means that in order to know what boundaries need to be set, you need to know what behaviors lead you to feel unsafe within the context of each relationship. Because what feels safe or unsafe to you may not feel the same way to others, your boundaries can be just as unique as you are. With that in mind, it is important that we don’t expect others to know what our boundaries are without us asserting them. It’s up to us to make our boundaries clear, which is an integral part of effective communication in any relationship.
2. Don’t put it off
When you encounter a behavior that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, it’s important to be honest with yourself and the person involved about this so that the behavior doesn’t continue and cause resentment to build. The longer you endure the unwanted behavior, the more difficult it will be to self-regulate and set the boundary effectively. Without self-regulation, you are more likely to respond in an explosive way and communicate the message more harshly than necessary. I’ve had many clients explain to me that they avoid setting boundaries because they don’t know how to do it without “blowing up” at the person. Setting boundaries does not require yelling, threatening, or any other punitive behavior. If you notice that this has been a pattern when you attempt to set boundaries, chances are it’s because you’ve been putting it off for a long time.
3. Use effective communication
This looks like using a calm, non-accusatory tone while focusing on the specific behavior as opposed to making a character assessment. For example, ineffective communication sounds like “You never do what you say you’re going to do. You are so unreliable.” Statements like these make others feel judged and defensive, which can make it difficult to empathize with us or feel safe being vulnerable, which is a large part of being accountable. Effective communication sounds like, “When you don’t do what you said you’d do, it makes me feel like I can’t trust what you say. I feel like I can’t rely on you.” These statements pull the person into your experience without assuming malice on their part and address the specific behavior without making a judgement about their character. Setting a boundary after these statements have been shared might sound like, “I won’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t honor their commitments” or “I don’t conduct business with people I can’t depend on.”
4. Understand that boundaries are not a means to control the people in our lives
On the contrary, boundaries are much more about being in control of ourselves and staying committed to the things that allow us to feel safe and respected in our relationships. The boundary you set doesn’t dictate what someone else should do but rather explains what you will or won’t do. For example, saying “Please don’t call me after 9 pm” is a request, while saying “I don’t answer calls after 9 pm” communicates a boundary. This distinction is crucial because we cannot realistically control what others do, but we can control and communicate what we will and will not tolerate and who continues to have access to us as a result of how well they respect our boundaries.
5. Be consistent
You may have to repeat a boundary several times before others honor it, as sometimes people need reminders or to know that you won’t waver in order to avoid tension. Remaining consistent lets others know that you take your boundaries seriously, and most likely, they will also.
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Tuera F. Holland, LCSW, MBA, Licensed Therapist
Tuera Holland (she/her) is a Philadelphia native and licensed (PA and NJ) psychotherapist specializing in individual, relationship, marriage, premarital, pre-engagement, and family counseling. She acquired her Master of Social Work degree from the University of Pennsylvania’s School of Social Policy & Practice with the goal of providing psychotherapy to populations experiencing complex and ambient trauma as a result of marginalization.
