Sandtrice D. Russell is a seasoned mental health professional with nearly 20 years of experience in the helping industry. She is the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, a virtual counseling practice, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
Boundaries are essential for maintaining a happy, balanced life, but many people struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries with their parents because they are afraid of hurting their feelings. The problem with this is that failing to set boundaries ends up hurting you in the end. There are multiple types of boundaries that you can put in place with your parents to protect your mental health. It’s all about knowing what your personal boundaries are and being intentional about holding space for yourself. While it may hurt a family member or friend if you tell them “No”, your mental health should be your number one priority. If you struggle with setting boundaries especially with your parents, here are some steps you can take in order to set and maintain your personal boundaries.
Recognize your need for boundaries
Recognizing your need for boundaries is one of the first steps in finding a path forward because you can not correct what you do not acknowledge. I’ve worked with many clients over the years who struggled with setting boundaries with their parents even in circumstances when it was having a negative impact on their mental health. If you notice yourself feeling anxious when you’re spending time with your parents or avoiding their calls and texts, those are indicators that you likely need to evaluate the health of your relationship with your parents. In order to move forward you have to be honest with yourself about the impact that your relationship may be having on your mental health.
Common signs that you may need to set boundaries with your parents
If you constantly feel overwhelmed, drained, or anxious when you interact with them.
If you feel guilty for not meeting your parents’ expectations
If you have constant conflict with your parents
If your parents do not respect your emotional or physical boundaries
If your parents use guilt or shame to emotionally manipulate you
If your parents provide unsolicited advice or make decisions on your behalf
If your parents disregard your choices
If your parents, try to impose their views on you
If your parents overly rely on you for support
If your parents’ involvement in your life impacts your other relationships negatively
If three or more of these signs resonate with you, it’s probably time to begin setting some clear boundaries.
Define your boundaries
Boundaries can differ for person to person so it’s important that you make a true assessment of what you desire your boundaries to look like within your relationship. Before moving forward with setting any new boundaries with your parents, it’s imperative that you take some time to truly explore and reflect on what your boundaries truly are. I recently watched an episode of Love is Blind UK and one of the participant’s mother was adamant that she wanted her daughter to share all of the details of her new partnership with her. This stood out as a huge boundary issue for me because a marriage is a sacred partnership and allowing your parents to be too involved in your marriage could possibly lead to a divorce.
Be sure to assess what types of boundaries you want to set with your parents based on the dynamics of your relationship. Emotional boundaries may be a top priority for you if you find that your parents become overly involved in your personal life and the decisions you make. This may also be something to examine if your parents rely on you to meet their emotional, financial, or social needs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with providing support for a parent who needs a listening ear and occasional support but know your limitations and set boundaries if it overwhelms you to take on their emotional baggage or financial responsibilities. Set limits based on your emotional and financial capacity.
Another major area in which you may need to assert some boundaries around is how your parents communicate with you. Sometimes parents feel that they can speak with you in a disrespectful way and say hurtful things because they gave you your life. If this occurs in your relationship, consider setting boundaries around how you allow them to speak with you. I preach to my clients that it is our responsibility to teach others how to treat us and we do that by letting them know what is acceptable and not acceptable to us. I fully understand that many of us are taught from an early age to ensure that we honor our parents and demonstrate obedience; however, you deserve the same level of respectful communication that they do regardless of your age or theirs.
Communicate your boundaries unapologetically
Effective communication is key when you decide to move forward with sharing your newly defined boundaries with your parents. It’s important for you to communicate your needs clearly and compassionately. Be direct, but remain respectful of their role in your life in order to reduce possible defensive behavior. Your parents likely will not like what you have to say, but the goal here is to ensure that you are open and honest about your desires. When expressing your boundaries to them, be sure to explain how some of their behaviors impact you instead of focusing solely on what they did wrong. It’s important to use those infamous “I” statements in order to own your own feelings and emotions instead of accusing them of intentionally trying to hurt you.
Be specific about what changes you desire your parents to make and be open to their feedback. You do not need your parents’ permission to implement your boundaries, but how you communicate those boundaries can help create more buy in and understanding from your parents.
When communicating your boundaries be sure to use body language that demonstrates confidence. Make eye contact and express yourself in a firm tone that conveys compassion and respect. Speak in a volume that allows you to be heard without yelling or using negative statements. Setting boundaries requires the use of assertive communication skills.
Be prepared for resistance
Once you put your boundaries in place, be prepared for some form of resistance. When you set boundaries, you have to accept that your relationships may change significantly after you put a boundary in place, especially boundaries around your time and money. Boundaries will inevitably cause your relationship to shift and many times you may find that your parents simply do not respect your boundaries. In situations like this, it’s important to clarify the boundary to ensure that they understand your desire, and if they continue to disrespect you, it’s important to decide if you want to continue to allow them to have the same level of access to you. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, which involves finding a balance between your needs and theirs.
When you experience resistance (and you will), it’s important for you to remain calm and reinforce your needs. Refrain from arguing with them about your boundaries. Parents often test boundaries to see if they can force your boundaries and if you allow them to, you’ll find yourself right back in a position of catering to their needs instead of your own.
Navigating through guilt
It’s not uncommon to feel guilty after you begin setting boundaries with your parents because they have likely played such a vital role in your life thus far. If you grew up in a healthy household and did not have many adverse childhood experiences, you might find yourself feeling like you owe it to your parents to drop everything when they call even if it means that your mental health suffers in the process.
You may feel like you’re disappointing them when you don’t answer their call or respond to their text promptly, even though you’ve set a boundary around when you’re available to engage in communication. Just because you feel guilty about something does not mean that you should let go of your boundaries to release the guilt. This is a great opportunity for you to view your guilt through a different lens of growth and coming into your own.
Oftentimes, our parents may try to manipulate us into doing what they want, and that’s when you know it’s time to take action and begin defining some boundaries for your relationships. It’s important to remember that setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s about taking care of yourself and ensuring that you are in the best possible mental space.
Self-care & boundaries
Setting boundaries is an essential part of self-care, but let’s face it: setting boundaries can cause emotional fatigue. While it can sometimes cause tension or even feelings of guilt, it’s important to remember that boundaries are critical for forming healthy relationships. When setting boundaries, you should check in with yourself often to see if the boundaries are serving you in the capacity that you desire or if adjustments need to be made to ensure the boundaries align with your current needs.
Having clearly defined boundaries is helpful for emotional preservation and restoration. It can be tough to stick with, but one of the main benefits of setting boundaries is that it can lead to a healthier relationship that is built on values that align. Boundaries help you have more fulfilling relationships with the people in your life by honoring your personal values which allows you to grow into the person you desire to be.
Ensuring that you attend to your emotional wellness will also help strengthen your mental health, which will help you maintain your boundaries without feeling too daunting a task. Another aspect of this is ensuring that you have the right support team in place to remind you of why your boundaries are important.
Why are boundaries important?
Boundaries help preserve your identity and protect your emotional health. Developing boundaries can help you create independence, self-esteem, and emotional wellness. When you don’t set clear boundaries with your parents, it can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and emotional exhaustion. Healthy boundaries allow you to develop a true sense of your identity and a healthy self-image. Many people who struggle with setting boundaries within their relationships with their parents may become enmeshed.
Not having boundaries puts you in a position where your parents and others can cause emotional harm to you by being overly involved in your life. Boundaries are crucial for ensuring that you have a healthy amount of emotional space, and they can help reduce anxiety, worry, and stress. Implementing boundaries can also prevent burnout, which is imperative for self-care management. A boundary setting can help you clarify roles and avert the development of unhealthy dynamics like codependency. Your boundaries should align with your values and areas in your life that are important to you.
Next steps
Now that we’ve explored why boundaries are so important for your overall mental health, here are some next steps for you to move forward with setting and enforcing boundaries with your parents. Remember consistency is key.
Reflect on your emotions and identify how your parents’ actions make you feel. It’s important to acknowledge your emotions in order to understand what specific boundaries you need to set.
Clarify your needs and specify which boundaries you are putting in place and explain why these boundaries are important to you. It can be helpful to identify specific concerns that are causing you emotional discomfort and setting limits around how you engage with them.
Pick the right time to have the discussion. If you pick a time when tension is already high it can lead to an argument. You want to ensure that you are in the best possible mental space when you initiate this conversation and giving your parents a heads up that you want to talk to them about something important may also be a good idea.
Take time when sharing your concerns to acknowledge their perspectives and be empathetic while also being clear and firm about the changes that you are implementing within your relationship dynamic.
Be consistent in order to see any true changes in your patterns of interactions with your parents. Sometimes it may be helpful to inform your parents of the consequences will occur if they are not respectful of your boundaries.
If you experience any attempts by your parents to emotionally manipulate you, acknowledge that you see what’s going on and let them know that you will not allow yourself to feel guilty for holding your boundary with them. You may even need to explain to your parents some of the benefits that you’ve learned about setting boundaries and how you hope having healthier boundaries will help improve the quality of the relationship.
While the parent is always the parent and the child is always the child, in adulthood, the health of the relationship requires both parties to demonstrate respect for each other’s space and boundaries. To dive deeper into setting boundaries within your relationships and improve your overall mental wellness, purchase the Minding my Own Mental Health: A Comprehensive Guide to Self-Care, a journal that explores setting healthy boundaries, coping with burnout, and the seven dimensions of wellness. Also, be sure to check out this episode of the Self Aware & F**ked Up Podcast to learn more about setting limits with a parent who is a narcissist.
Read more from Sandtrice D. Russell
Sandtrice D. Russell, Unique Destiny Counseling
Sandtrice D. Russell is a fierce mental health advocate whose life's mission is empowering others through education. Her childhood upbringing led her into the helping profession and she is committed to helping remove the stigma associated with pursuing mental health services. Sandtrice is a Licensed Professional Therapist in Georgia and Texas. She is also the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, the the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
