Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I’d been talking to various people, men and women, about what’s stopping them from leaving an unhappy marriage or relationship and listening to their stories made me think about the pull of the comfort zone. People often ask me why I stayed in my first marriage as long as I did which is a great question.
I used to make a joke of it saying, “I’m a slow learner!”
When I tried to be honest, I’d say, “It’s complicated” (which it is). I’d say things like, “One reason is I loved him” (which I did for a very long time), “another reason is that I’d never lived alone before” (which was true), and “It never occurred to me that I could actually leave” (which, believe it or not, is also true).
I think the last one comes closest to the truth.
I had never had a relationship before I met Bill so I really couldn’t imagine myself not being married to him.
37 years is a long time and I never contemplated the idea of uprooting myself to move towards the unknown.
At least, I told myself, I lived a life that was familiar to me, including the pain and the sadness.
If somebody had asked me what a happy and fulfilled life would look like I would have had to admit that I had no idea.
Such is the pull of the comfort zone where the Gremlin, our negative inner critic, lives.
And that’s when, a couple of days ago, I had a flash of insight.
When we’re unhappy it’s virtually impossible to imagine what happiness and fulfilment would look like.
That is a journey of discovery.
Leaving a relationship is a huge step, a step that changes who we are and that’s a gradual process.
Again, looking back, the decision to leave changed me from victim to empowered, from fearful to courageous, from hopeless to hopeful.
Then I started taking risks like moving beyond the fear of the unknown and embracing ambiguity – a huge step for somebody who craved security, the familiar.
I risked asking for help not knowing if they’d say yes or no.
I put myself on the line when I got a no and, instead of retreating as I used to do, I asked someone else. Better still, I learned to do more myself which boosted my self-confidence immeasurably.
There came the point where the momentum kept carrying me along.
I started telling people the truth instead of projecting a false image of confidence and success.
That, in turn, encouraged people to also share their truth.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
But it’s fair to say that the struggle against the pull of the comfort zone which included the Gremlin with its whispers of fears and self-doubts, of unnamed dangers ahead and the lure of the familiar was hard.
All these reflections and walking down memory lane came about when somebody I was talking to the other day said they would like companionship but they would have to accept that she was set in her ways and they would have to adapt to her.
Looking for the right partner for you requires an open mind and an open heart.
Clinging to the familiar is unlikely to get you what you say you want, assuming you really want love.
That doesn’t mean giving up who we are; it means facing our fears – because it’s fear that keeps us in our comfort zone.
It means changing our mindset from fixed to open.
It means realising that we’re not cast in stone but that we can change and grow.
But it requires the willingness to make ourselves uncomfortable, to experiment, to learn new things, to talk with different people, to listen to different opinions without believing that ours is the only one as I used to do with Bill.
Most of all, it’s a journey of discovery – about ourselves and the world.
If you’re curious enough to want to know more, why don’t you join my next online Meetup event – ‘How To Recognise The Right Partner For You’ – on Wednesday, 7 December for 1-1/2 hours starting at 6 pm GMT.
You can go to Meetup and search ‘Create Your Perfect Relationship Group’ and register.
On reflection, it would be great to have a virtual coffee/tea/hot chocolate and get to know you a little bit first. Are you up for it?
If you are, choose a suitable date/time from my calendar here.
I look forward to chatting with you.
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’, is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015, aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship, as well as how it affects our emotional, and mental health and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
