Written by: Frida Aguinaldo Soerensen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It was the ideal setup.
We had created a beautiful life together in the small fishing village in the Philippines surrounded by the ocean, mountains, and my loving family. We created a small farm, and I launched a wellness business. But all this was not enough to keep a 15 year relationship alive.
So, what happens after the big breakup, when you are ultimately left to face the broken pieces of a shared life and find the courage to move forwards alone?
How do you begin to heal and reconnect to the person you are now?
Six Months Before
In December 2021 I ended my relationship with my life partner and best friend, a relationship that defined the adult I have become, the places I’ve lived and traveled, and even directed the career path I am so grateful to be on now.
After two long years of Covid lockdowns, the cracks in our seemingly solid relationship started to show. No effort was spared as we tried to fix what now seemed to be quite broken. In the end, we finally decided to go our separate ways.
After all that had been said and done and, amidst the swirling vortex of emotions, memories, and questions that all needed to find a place inside of me, a bigger question loomed, who am I really and where do I even begin to find this out?
In my search for my own answers, I asked psychologist and transformational divorce coach Leanne Kanzler why taking the time to heal and get to know ourselves after a breakup is important and how to begin this process of rediscovery.
Why is reconnecting and rediscovering ourselves important after a breakup?
Often what happens in a relationship is that we do whatever it takes to keep the relationship happy, or stable. That can mean giving up on activities we love, friends, family, jobs the things that make us “us”. Losing your sense of self to please someone else is devastating, especially when the relationship ends. It can leave us wondering why we did that, and who we are now?
The other component of this is understanding the ‘why’. What was it in you that decided it was better to put your partner first? To merge yourself with them. Perhaps it is the pleaser, the peacekeeper, the “I’m not good enough” voice. Whatever it is, it is worth understanding so that you do not repeat that pattern!
And, just to clarify, there is a fine line between compromise and giving yourself away. Knowing how far to go so that you do not lose yourself is vital.
How can we learn from difficult emotions such as guilt, resentment, or regret and channel this for our healing journey?
Loving the younger version of you, the part of you that didn’t see the reality of what was happening, is all part of the healing journey. The fact that you can see that now is a beautiful thing. It shows that you are in a new place emotionally and that you can potentially start to take responsibility for where you went wrong.
We all make mistakes. I did. I felt so much regret for not standing up for myself and allowing myself to be bullied in my relationship, but then I realized that I never had enough confidence in myself. It gave me permission to ask for help and to build on that confidence. Without that insight, I would not be where I am today. So instead of feeling regret or guilt, take it as an amazing learning opportunity.
Clearly define what it is that you feel regret or guilt about, and then ask yourself what you need to learn so that you do not fall into that pattern again.
What can we do to support ourselves through the grief?
Give yourself the time it takes to grieve. It is normal to cry, be angry, and feel intense emotions. If you try and avoid this, you will just prolong the problem.
But don’t let anger and resentment turn you into someone you don’t like. Treat your ex with respect, especially if they are the parent of your child. Withholding children from your ex because you are angry is the same as emotional abuse to your child as well as your ex!
This step requires the capacity for compassion, both for yourself and your ex-partner.
I was so incredibly lucky to have an amicable and even loving breakup (I know this is by far the case for most!)
Still, I have so many emotions, there’s intense sadness for the life I have lost and anger for losing sight of myself for so many years. Here self-reflection and journaling continue to be my trusted tools. Leanne says to write out how you are feeling, in all its anger, hurt, frustration, and sadness.
Writing it all out allows you to firstly release some of the intensity out of your body and mind and secondly to begin to process and integrate your emotions and experiences and help you move on. I recommend not reading anything you have written. There is no reason to relive old pain once you’ve committed it to paper.
What are some simple first steps we can take to rediscover ourselves?
Look after yourself physically. So many people ignore advice about the body-mind connection. But there is a crazy amount of evidence that says a healthy body can increase serotonin and dopamine which leads to a happy mood and more energy. So, ensure you are getting some exercise, drinking lots of water, and eating well. Your body really is your temple!
A simple thing you can do right now is to list your top 5 basic needs. By learning to meet your own needs you give yourself the best environment for healing. Write down how much you need daily and how often, e.g., water, 1.5 litres daily, or exercise, 20 minutes’ walk five times a week. Put your list up on your fridge as a daily reminder and do your best to stick to it!
Ask for help. Separation can be the most devastating time of a person’s life. After my breakup, I was so surprised to find out how many amazing and caring people I had in my life who were just waiting for me on the other side. As someone who is used to taking care of others and not very used to asking for help, allowing others to look after me for a change felt strange but empowering and great relief at the same time. Knowing who you trust with this is key.
This was also my experience. So, when I was urged back to Europe by my concerned family, I did not think twice. I allowed parents, trusted family members, and friends, new and old, to support me, probably for the first time since I was a teenager. I got to know a completely new side to myself, the side that was capable of great vulnerability and trust in others.
Know that it is ok to let go and be held whenever you are struggling.
Join a club or team sport, start a hobby, or even just read again. Whatever it is that helps you to feel you! Rediscovering your passions (and perhaps discovering new ones!) is an integral part of the healing process.
A great way to start with this is to ask yourself what you liked doing as a child or teenager. Pick one thing and try it out! I rediscovered my love for dancing this way.
How can we learn from our breakup so we can step forward with renewed strength and hope?
If we look close enough and do the inner work of self-reflection and self-care our previous relationships can become steppingstones to discovering who we truly are.
Ultimately, it’s our responsibility to discover what needs to be learnt and use this as a driving force to move forward into the next chapter in our life.
So be patient, take your time to reflect, to grieve, to feel, to attend a crazy dance lesson or go skydiving, whatever makes you feel alive, and please do ask for help.
Paulo Coelho, in his book The Alchemist said,
We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment.
My time with my ex will forever ripple throughout my life, like rings in a lake, no matter what choices I make from here. Amid the waning sadness that still catches me unaware from time to time, I feel deep gratitude for the time we shared, even the really tough moments.
Remember that you are doing this healing work for you and only you. By making an effort to discover who you are now, you can start to have a really beautiful relationship with the most important person in your life, you.
Need more support to help you on your healing journey? Remember you are not alone, you can join Leanne’s Support Group here.
Also, follow Leanne’s work @The_Transformational_Breakup
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, and visit my website for more info!
Frida Aguinaldo Soerensen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Frida Soerensen is a Mindfulness Coach for female entrepreneurs, founders, and business owners. After suffering chronic stress, anxiety & near burn-out working in the Australian social work industry, Frida brought together practices in modern psychology, yoga, mindfulness, and meditation to develop a holistic approach to creating mental and emotional resilience.
She is passionate about supporting women entrepreneurs to transform their hectic lifestyle into one where they are empowered to grow their businesses whilst thriving in all other areas of life.
Frida now lives in the Philippines in her childhood home. She is the founder of the Transcend Beyond Stress & Thrive Program, an online mindfulness coaching program. She also runs a small wellness business where she supports her local community of women, businesses, and nonprofits.
Frida holds a Graduate Diploma in Counselling and Human Services through La Trobe University, Australia, and gained her meditation teacher certification through the Australian Centre for Meditation & Mindfulness. Frida also holds over 10 years of personal yoga and meditation practice.
