Written by Amna Abrar Khan, Health Coach
Dr. Amna Abrar Khan is a well-known health coach who specialised in making things simple, from understanding hormones, energy, nutrition, movement, and even managing stress. Her 'a simple step' program has been known to transform clients' lives so seamlessly into their routine.
Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging experiences of my life, and the stressors that parents face can significantly influence a child’s emotional, social, and cognitive development. Parental stress not only affects their well-being but also shapes the child’s attachment style, which determines how they interact with others throughout their life, impacting their behavior, habits, health, and relationships. Understanding attachment styles in both parents and children can help in recognizing the patterns that influence long-term emotional health.
A child’s ability to trust, regulate emotions, and form healthy relationships is rooted in their early attachment experiences. If parents experience chronic stress, mental health issues, or physical health challenges, their children may develop insecure attachment styles that persist into adulthood, impacting friendships, romantic relationships, and overall health. This can lead to conditions such as ADHD, diabetes, gut issues, behavioral problems, and more.
I, myself, am anxious. What I feel, I project, and a mother’s way of life influences her child’s way of life.
I was not the same mother to my first child that I am now with my third. When I became a first-time mom, I was unaware and stressed. Looking back, I now realize that many things I thought were healthy were actually adding to my stress, like exercising for two hours every day because I expected to look like I did before having a baby. Mind you, I had put on 40 kg, yes, 40 kilograms, on my tiny frame.
I went from 49 kg (which was actually due to disordered eating habits and body image dysmorphia that I was still unaware of) to more than 90 kg. I’m afraid I stopped weighing myself when I reached that number, and I still had a couple of weeks of pregnancy left.
Along with this, I was eating next to nothing only to binge on cookies at night, fueling the hormonal imbalances that affected my way of thinking and perpetuated my anxiety, gut issues, menstrual irregularities, and sleep deprivation.
Stress in parents, whether from work, financial difficulties, relationship conflicts, or personal mental health struggles, can lead to inconsistent caregiving. Chronic stress definitely impacted my own emotional availability, patience, and responsiveness, all of which are crucial in fostering a secure bond with my child.
How stress affected my parenting
Increased irritability, and reduced patience.
Difficulty setting and maintaining consistent boundaries.
Increased likelihood of using harsh discipline, and also empty threats.
Lack of attunement to my child’s emotional needs.
Less time spent engaging in nurturing activities, such as reading, playing, and bonding.
Yelling, lots of yelling.
When a parent is overly stressed, their ability to provide a secure emotional environment weakens, often leading to insecure attachment patterns in children. Long-term exposure to high parental stress may also increase cortisol levels in children, affecting their stress response and emotional regulation.
Although I did the best I could, I see the impact it has had on each of my children. Being aware is the first step, recognizing your own stressors, understanding your attachment style, and then taking steps toward healing.
The well-being of individual parents & its impact on the child
A parent's overall well-being, physically, emotionally, and mentally, directly affects their ability to nurture and support their child. When parents prioritize their own health and emotional regulation, they create a stable, secure environment for their child to thrive.
Children do not do as they are told; they have mirror neurons, so they do as they see. If you want regulated children, regulate yourself. If you want confident children, be confident yourself. If you want loving children, love them in their love language, otherwise, it can get lost in translation.
Emotional stability: A mentally healthy parent can provide consistent emotional support, reducing anxiety and behavioral issues in children.
Physical health: Parents who maintain good nutrition, sleep, and exercise have more energy to engage positively with their children.
Self-regulation: A parent who manages their stress and emotions well teaches their child how to do the same, not by telling them but by showing them. Have you ever caught yourself yelling, "Just breathe! Be calm!" Yelling implies the opposite.
Positive role modeling: Children mirror their parents' habits, attitudes, and stress responses. That’s because they have mirror neurons and subconsciously pick up on everything that is said and done.
Stronger parent-child connection: When parents feel emotionally fulfilled, they can be more present, patient, and affectionate with their children.
Neglecting self-care can result in burnout, reduced patience, emotional withdrawal, and heightened stress, all of which can negatively impact a child’s emotional security and behavior. Children raised in high-stress environments may exhibit signs of hyper-vigilance, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation due to a lack of consistent parental support.
Although most parents are trying to do the best they can, I understand that. Looking back, I wish I had access to the wealth of knowledge available today about my own attachment style, my own traumas, and my own stressors.
Attachment styles in parents & their impact on children
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how early relationships shape a child’s future relationships and emotional resilience. Parents’ own attachment styles influence how they bond with their children and affect how secure or insecure the child feels.
1. Secure attachment (parent & child)
Parent behavior:
Emotionally available, responsive, and attuned to their child’s needs.
Shows warmth, encouragement, and consistent affection.
Uses healthy communication to resolve conflicts.
Child behavior:
Feels safe and confident to explore the world.
Easily comforted when distressed.
Develops healthy relationships and good emotional regulation.
Impact of parental stress: Even in a securely attached family, excessive parental stress can temporarily reduce emotional availability. Saying things like, "My parents did the same, and I’m fine," or using phrases like, "Big boys don’t cry," "Just stop crying," "It’s not that big of a deal," or "You are too sensitive," can invalidate a child’s emotions.
However, a parent with secure attachment tendencies is likely to repair emotional ruptures. Even when they lose their cool, they are introspective and make an effort to reconnect. They apologize for their behavior to show that it’s okay to make mistakes, because ultimately, we all make mistakes. It is the repair that teaches us how to grow and learn.
2. Anxious (ambivalent) attachment
Parent behavior:
Inconsistent emotional availability (sometimes warm, sometimes neglectful).
Overly worried about the child’s needs but struggles with personal emotional regulation.
Can be intrusive or overly protective due to fear of abandonment.
Child behavior:
Seeks constant reassurance but still feels uncertain and anxious.
Clings to caregivers and struggles with independence.
Becomes overly sensitive to emotional changes in others.
Impact of parental stress: Stress increases inconsistency, making a parent more emotionally unpredictable, which leads to heightened anxiety in the child. The child learns that comfort is unreliable, making them emotionally dependent yet insecure.
This is my baseline attachment style, one that I have been working toward healing. It also manifests as indecisiveness, dependence on others for reassurance, seeking validation, and second-guessing one’s own decisions.
3. Avoidant attachment
Parent behavior:
Emotionally distant, minimizes affection, and avoids deep emotional connections.
May prioritize self-sufficiency over emotional bonding.
Discourages emotional expression in the child.
Child behavior:
Appears emotionally independent but struggles with trust and closeness.
Avoids seeking comfort from others, even in distress.
May seem emotionally detached or highly self-reliant.
Impact of parental stress: Stress reinforces emotional withdrawal, leading the child to shut down emotionally and become overly independent. These children may struggle with forming close relationships later in life.
4. Disorganized attachment
Parent behavior:
Highly inconsistent or frightening caregiving due to unresolved trauma or extreme stress.
Displays both fear and comfort, confusing the child.
Reacts unpredictably, sometimes nurturing, other times dismissive.
Child behavior:
Feels fearful yet drawn to the caregiver.
Exhibits erratic behaviors, aggression, or withdrawal.
Struggles with emotional regulation and may show dissociation.
Impact of parental stress: High stress, especially from trauma, creates confusing emotional experiences for the child, leading to fear-based attachment. These children may develop trust issues, anxiety, or reactive behaviors in relationships.
How to reduce parental stress & foster secure attachment
Self-care for parents: Prioritize mental health, rest, and stress management. A calm parent fosters a calm child.
Emotional awareness: Recognize personal attachment styles and work on emotional availability.
Consistent, responsive parenting: Even during stress, maintaining routines and emotional support is key.
Healthy communication: Encourage open conversations and teach children how to express their emotions safely.
Seeking support: Therapy, coaching programs, support groups, or parenting workshops can provide tools to manage stress and improve attachment patterns.
This is exactly why I started teaching the "A Simple Step" program on how to rebalance hormones. I found myself dreading waking up, addicted to sugar and caffeine to keep me going, losing my patience, and feeling guilty about my behavior, beating myself up over it, further impacting my parenting. It became a vicious cycle. The final straw was when I no longer knew who I was or what I was doing.
I knew I wanted to change, and I could see it reflected in my children’s behaviors, the way they yelled and got frustrated, slammed doors, got into trouble at school, didn’t pay attention, and constantly fought with me and each other. I just didn’t know where to start.
I thought I could yell them into submission. Sadly, I was greatly mistaken. I am so grateful that I continue to learn and support mothers who are under immense pressure, to help them heal themselves first. Then, their children copy them, evolve with them, and foster healthier, more loving relationships.
It has so much to do with hormones, especially cortisol, which impacts every other hormone, mood, and perception of reality. In the Simple Step program, I guide you to understand what’s going on with you and take some really simple steps to make changes. I know that if I can do it, so can you.
Parental stress is inevitable, and we will all make mistakes. There’s no guidebook because each individual, as well as each child, is unique. However, understanding its impact on attachment and child development allows parents to take intentional steps toward providing a secure, nurturing environment. By managing stress and fostering emotional connection, parents can help their children develop into resilient, confident, and emotionally healthy individuals.
Ultimately, as humans, we all strive for the same thing: to have a supportive and loving community and nurturing relationships. That’s the true wealth. And it starts with taking care of yourself with simple steps.
Read more from Amna Abrar Khan
Amna Abrar Khan, Health Coach
Dr. Amna Abrar Khan is a health coach with a medical degree and a mother of three. After struggling with IBS, anxiety, hormonal imbalances, and an eating disorder, she discovered the profound impact of prioritizing sleep and holistic health. Now, she uses her medical expertise and personal experience to guide others toward sustainable well-being and vibrant living so that they know how to take care of themselves while they love to take care of the people around them because, ultimately, we are a community.
