Written by Triva A. Ponder, Family Therapist
Triva A. Ponder helps individuals and couples identify where they are losing energy and guides them in reclaiming it. She specializes in communication skills, helping couples replace painful conversations and complaints with constructive, needs-based expression.
Divorce is one of the most emotionally complex experiences a family can endure. As a family therapist guiding families through this transition, I have seen firsthand how the choices parents make during this time can shape a child’s emotional well-being for years to come. One of the most difficult decisions parents face is determining how much to share with their children about the reasons for their separation.
The instinct to protect children from painful truths is natural, but as my extensive experience, and psychological research, demonstrates, withholding critical information can have unintended and long-lasting consequences. Divorce is hard, but how much should you tell your child? Here’s what decades of experience and research say about protecting their emotional well-being while maintaining honesty.
The parent’s dilemma: To tell or not to tell
Consider a father who discovers his spouse’s affair and endures years of emotional abuse. When he finally decides to leave, he is faced with an agonizing choice: should he tell his 12-year-old daughter the truth about why their family is breaking apart? His instinct, like many parents’, is to shield her from the pain, believing that preserving her innocence will protect her. He chooses to keep the details of the affair private, offering only that “things didn’t work out.”
Initially, this decision appears to provide stability. However, over time, the daughter, lacking context, begins to feel betrayed and confused. Why did her father “destroy” their family? Why was her mother still loving and present while her father became the target of her frustration? This well-intended act of protection set the stage for a lifetime of misplaced resentment.
The child’s perspective: The hidden cost of withholding truth
Children, especially adolescents, process change through an emotional lens rather than an adult’s logical reasoning. For this 12-year-old girl, the lack of information leaves her grappling with a narrative that doesn’t make sense. Her mother remains a seemingly steady presence in her life, while her father, who initiated the divorce, becomes the perceived antagonist.
For decades, this misunderstanding fosters resentment. It isn’t until she is 48 years old that she finally learns the truth about her mother’s infidelity and emotional abuse. By then, the weight of misdirected anger is overwhelming, she carries shame for the years of blame she placed on her father, regret for not being more supportive, and an unsettling disillusionment about her childhood perceptions.
The psychological impact of withholding the truth
Extensive clinical experience, supported by well-established psychological research, demonstrates that withholding significant truths from children can result in profound and lasting psychological consequences:
Emotional disconnection: Research by Lyon et al. (2019) suggests that children are highly perceptive and can sense when something is being withheld. A lack of transparency can lead to a breakdown of trust between parent and child.
Increased anxiety and confusion: A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology (Hu et al., 2022) found that children who are left in the dark about family conflicts often develop higher levels of anxiety and struggle with emotional regulation later in life.
Delayed processing of grief and betrayal: When children discover the truth later in life, it can trigger a profound sense of betrayal, not just toward the parent who erred but also toward the parent who withheld information.
A landmark study from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP, 2020) found that children who receive age-appropriate explanations of divorce adjust more successfully and report lower levels of emotional distress compared to those left uninformed.
Finding the balance: How to share difficult truths
Telling the truth does not mean exposing children to unnecessary trauma. It means providing them with age-appropriate, emotionally safe narratives that allow them to process change in a healthy way.
1. Use age-appropriate disclosure
Young children need simplified explanations (“Mom and Dad don’t get along anymore, and we think it’s better to live apart”), while teenagers can handle more nuanced discussions (“There were some serious problems in our relationship that made it unhealthy for us to stay married”).
2. Be honest without overloading
Acknowledging that a parent made mistakes or hurt the other doesn’t mean vilifying them. Instead of saying, “Your father cheated,” you might say, “Your dad wasn’t honest with me about some important things. Because of that, we’ve decided it’s not healthy for us to stay together anymore. This is something between your dad and me, and I want you to know it’s not your fault.”
3. Validate feelings without dictating loyalties
Encourage open conversations and let children express their emotions freely. Assure them that they don’t have to choose sides, but that understanding the truth can help them process their emotions more clearly. Let them know, “We both love you deeply, and that will never change. We are always here to talk and support you.”
4. Reassure and provide stability
Research from the American Psychological Association (APA, 2021) indicates that children’s resilience is greatly enhanced when parents provide stability, reassurance, and a clear sense of continued love and support.
5. Seek professional guidance
Therapy can be an invaluable tool for helping children navigate divorce. Family counseling provides a neutral space for children to ask questions and express their feelings without fear of upsetting a parent.
Conclusion: The power of truth in healing
Protecting children from the pain of divorce is a noble goal, but true protection comes from preparing them to process difficult realities, not from keeping them in the dark. When parents strike the right balance between honesty and sensitivity, children develop the emotional resilience needed to face life’s challenges with clarity and strength.
As parents, the goal is not to eliminate pain but to equip children with the tools to handle it in a way that fosters trust, growth, and emotional well-being. Research by Masten and Gewirtz (2006) highlights that resilience in children is developed through supportive caregiving, open communication, and the establishment of secure relationships, which are crucial during significant life transitions such as divorce.
If you are navigating this challenging terrain and need support in approaching these conversations, consider seeking professional guidance. Studies indicate that children who receive therapeutic support during parental separation are more likely to develop healthier coping mechanisms and maintain stronger familial bonds (Pedro-Carroll, 2010). A trained family therapist can help you develop a personalized approach that prioritizes both honesty and protection, ensuring your child’s emotional health remains intact.
If you’re struggling with how to talk to your child about divorce, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Together, we can create a plan that fosters healing, trust, and resilience in your family’s next chapter.
Visit my website for more info!
Triva A. Ponder, Family Therapist
Triva A. Ponder is a family therapist and the founder of Inner Freedom Consulting, where she helps individuals and couples reclaim their energy and improve their relationships. She specializes in communication skills, guiding couples to remove pain from conversations and replace complaints with clear, positive expressions of their needs. With a compassionate and practical approach, Triva empowers clients to cultivate deeper connections, emotional resilience, and healthier relationships. Learn more at InnerFreedomConsulting.com.
