Greg Singleton is well known for his ability to get the best out of the person across from him. He is the founder of CSB Coaching, and he has transformed his experiences into a powerful coaching framework designed to help others empower themselves to live fulfilling lives.
Have you ever taken the time to properly define what success or failure means to you and what they look like? Many of us grow up with the belief that success is something we achieve by reaching goals, acquiring material possessions, gaining titles, or being perceived as successful by others. In contrast, we often view failure as the inability to attain those things. These definitions are typically the result of mirroring our surroundings and the values we've absorbed.
Let’s explore some of the factors that can help us define success with greater clarity. Keep reading if you want to learn what it truly means to define success and failure for yourself and how to continually redefine them as you grow through life.
Failure ceases to exist without properly defining what success is
Think about this for a minute: how often have you viewed yourself or something you did as a failure? Now, take a moment and reflect on how much time you spent defining what success looked like before you began the challenge or task. I’d be willing to bet, just as I often used to, that little to no time was spent setting up a proper perspective.
When we don’t achieve what we set out to do, we tend to view it or ourselves as a failure. Conversely, when we accomplish our goal, we see it as a success. The issue with this mindset is that it sets us up for a 50/50 outcome, success or failure. However, we can easily shift this thinking by taking the time to evaluate what we want to gain from the task or challenge. Perhaps you want to learn something new, become a better version of yourself, grow professionally or personally, or build stronger relationships. These are the broader themes we should start with to reshape our perspective.
Start with a 30,000 ft view
Take a moment before you read any further and start to envision what a successful life looks like to you when you're nearing the end of your journey through life. I'll wait.
We often get too granular when it comes to success and failure, which leads us to experience more setbacks than we should. We can fail a multitude of times throughout a week, but we never create the space to see what we learned from the failure that will help us move forward. This is the key component to begin defining success.
There are countless studies where older people reflect on their lives, and the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist at Cornell University, highlights how often we have a misguided mindset throughout life. The small things we chase after and view as success often turn out to be the very things we regret later in life.
Failure is woven into the fabric of humanity, but how we measure it against our personal definition of success has a lasting impact. An internal definition of success makes all the difference when we face society’s external definition of failure.
Relationships
Relationships, both professional and personal, are the backbone of human society. At our core, we are social creatures. While some may be more social than others, we all need human interaction to some degree to help us feel fulfilled. Knowing that we all seek connection, defining a successful relationship through the lens of truly getting to know someone as deeply as possible during the time you have with them is a success. We each have a story that shapes who we are today, and removing the length of time as a measure of success in any relationship allows for a broader, more meaningful perspective.
When you define a successful relationship as one marked by growth, learning, and progress, you create a much larger space in which success can occur. Some relationships may be fleeting, while others may be long-lasting, but none can truly fail as long as your perspective allows you to reflect on what you’ve learned, how much you’ve grown, and the progress you’ve made.
The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you will ever have, as you are the person you spend the most time with. Focus on improving your self-image, and all other external relationships will benefit from connecting with you. Limit the amount of external validation you seek, become aware of your personal growth, and strive to give as much as you receive. If you base successful relationships on these parameters, life will feel much lighter!
Self confidence
So much of our self-confidence comes from external sources. When that source is removed or no longer provides the needed boost, many of us fall into the trap of no longer believing in ourselves. Building self-confidence based on external definitions of success and failure is like navigating a boat through a storm. The waves of highs and lows will push, pull, and consume you relentlessly.
Your version of success can only be defined by you and the life you choose to live. No one else can live your life or determine what success looks like for you. That’s why it’s crucial to take the time to sit down and define what would make your life a success. I’ll give you the first bullet point on your list: Value your own self-worth (without letting your ego take over). Then, build a belief system around that value. Your beliefs will always stem from what you truly value.
What you choose to do for a living
One of the most important decisions we make in life is what we choose to do for a living. Do you have a job, a career, or a calling? Professor Amy Wrzesniewski from Yale University explains that a job is something you do primarily for a paycheck. A career is where you care about contributing and advancing in your position, but you don't necessarily love what you do. A calling, on the other hand, is something where you feel you're contributing to a greater good, working endlessly at your craft, and your worth is not determined by the results.
Now, take a moment to reflect on which of these you're currently pursuing. The lens through which you view success in your work greatly impacts your perception. No matter what you choose to do, focus on the aspects that give you a sense of success and double down on those. We may miss deadlines, make mistakes on a project, or lose a client. These are short-term failures. However, when you measure success by recognizing that you'll continuously learn and improve from those failures, the sting of setbacks becomes smaller because your broader definition of success holds greater meaning.
Defining success across different life stages
Micro versions of success and failure will constantly shift and evolve. They become easier to navigate once you’ve established your macro view of success. The beauty of life is its ever-changing nature; stagnancy never helps anyone reach their goals. With the ebbs and flows of life comes the ability to define and redefine success.
Since the foundation of success is highly individual, it's up to you to strengthen the core. Prioritizing learning, growth, and experience are the three things that will always accompany you throughout life. If you can reflect on your past to learn from mistakes, grow personally, and use your experiences to guide future decisions, then you are already a success. How you choose to fill in the details is entirely up to you!
The role of personal values in shaping success
Your beliefs are shaped by what you value. Adam Grant discusses this concept beautifully in a conversation with Trevor Noah. For example, if you value learning, you believe it can be achieved in many different ways. If you value helping those in need, you believe there are various ways to offer support. At the core are your values, and the beliefs that surround them direct you toward fulfilling those values.
Once you define what you truly value, your version of success can be built around that foundation. There are countless ways to succeed, but only you can define the core version of success that serves as the benchmark against which you measure failure.
Only you can define it
Recognizing that you can’t fail until you define what success means to you is the foundation for becoming your most authentic self. Stop letting society or those around you dictate whether you've failed they don't live your life. We all experience life differently, and that unique perspective is exactly what helps us pave our own path to success. Remember, your definition of success doesn’t need to align with anyone else’s. Reach out for guidance and support as you navigate the challenging dynamics of success and failure. Go create a life that makes you proud!
Read more from Greg Singleton
Greg Singleton, Perspective and Mindset Coach
Greg Singleton is a certified NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) peer-to-peer leader, and his coaching guides people with the correct perspective and mindset to overcome imposter syndrome, build confidence, and embrace a healthier mindset. He has dedicated the last 10 years to helping others overcome their fear and embrace their inner confidence to become who they strive to be. He is the CEO of CSB Coaching. His mission: Celebrate others, don't Alienate others.
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