Written by: Jane Parker, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In April 2022, No-Fault Divorce became law in the UK. The option of a no-fault divorce has worked well for many couples where there was no clear-cut offender in the marriage's demise. The couples may not have recognised why their marriage deteriorated or they may not have known what to do when they realized it had.
Divorce, whether it is a no-fault divorce or not, can be an incredibly stressful, sad, and often traumatic process and can impact families for many years to come.
The sad reality of this is that as there was no one obvious to blame, the couple may have been able to avoid divorce if they had known what was disrupting their marriage.
If you want to avoid having a no-fault divorce and you would love to know what is causing the discord in your marriage, please read on.
Have you ever wondered what you and your significant other are doing ‘wrong’ in your relationship?
Have you ever asked, “Why has it changed?” Or “When did it change?” or “What can we do about it?”
Couples often explore reasons as to why their relationship feels different now, but they are often unsure why it is different and unclear of what to do about it.
“We used to be so good together,” people say, “We had so much fun and were in harmony. We went places and had adventures,” or “We just knew we were meant to be together.”
Over time, things can change in our lives and marriages goes through inevitable challenges. Even then, couples can struggle to see how these challenges have affected their marriage and see a ‘no-fault’ divorce as the only option that will bring a solution to their heartache.
You may well be able to relate to one or several of the causes of marital distress I have listed below that I have uncovered with the couples I have coached over the years. Understanding and acknowledging what is contributing to your relationship's decline is a key step toward its healing and improvement before considering the conclusion that a No-Fault divorce is an answer.
If you are considering a no-fault divorce, please read on and see if your marriage has fallen prey to one of the following causes of marriage breakdown.
1. Verbal Communication and Non-Verbal Communication Issues
When communication is difficult it is natural for us to feel disconnected from our partner. When this builds up over years couples begin to tolerate each rather than enjoy each other or worse still, they separate believing it just does not work.
At times of stress or disconnection for many couple's miscommunications can create emotional pain and hurt due to them feeling unheard and misunderstood. Humans connect through understanding, empathy, and vulnerability which are all necessary for effective communication and connection and, sadly, are much more difficult for them to embody when they are feeling hurt or rejected.
My husband and I, like many other couples, have diverse ways of communicating. We often get our wires crossed and entertain ourselves laughing about how I said one thing and he heard something quite different. The way that we have dealt with this and prevented it from becoming an issue for us is that we acknowledge and accept that we have this polarity, and we consistently are aware of the potential that we may be hearing something other than what the other has meant.
Naturally, this is not necessary for every conversation, but when we know a thorough understanding is required, we double-check with each other to make sure we are leaving with the same perspective and knowledge before we end the discussion.
The good news is that distinctive styles of communicating do not have to mean the end of a relationship. There are tools that couples can use and skills they can learn so they can express themselves in a way that their partner can hear and comprehend. In addition to this, understanding our partner's needs assists in improving communication...
2. The 6 Human Needs Are Not Being Met
Much of my work with couples focuses on exploring how they can meet their needs.
Understanding our own needs allows us to communicate what we would like and fulfil our own needs. Understanding our partner's needs helps us to see things from their point of view and helps us to understand what they need to feel loved, safe, and happy within the relationship. Not understanding each other's and our own needs can have a negative ripple effect throughout the relationship and can lead to misunderstandings and feelings that do not reflect the true nature of our relationship.
Tony Robbins created the 6 Human Needs which are:
Certainty
Uncertainty
Significance
Love and Connection
Growth
Contribution
We all need each one of these needs to a certain degree and tend to have 2 or 3 that have a higher need than the others, these can vary at various times of our lives. For example, what we need at 20 will be different when we are 60. What we need when we are first together will be different when we have children.
Within a relationship, we love our partner to fulfil our needs and we can also meet them ourselves.
If you and your partner do not recognize each other's needs you can feel misunderstood, ignored, and unloved. It can cause communication issues and you may begin to add meanings to their actions or behaviours which are not a true reflection of how they feel or how they see you or the situation.
For example, a wife may say: “My husband keeps going out with his friends and leaving me at home. This means he does not like to be with me, he does not care about me anymore.”
This point of view that she has could be disastrous for the marriage as it signals that her need for Significance is not being met.
The need for Significance means – I matter, I am valued, I am heard and seen, and I am important. We love it when we meet people that make us feel significant. They bring out the best in us. When we feel a lack of significance in our marriage it can have a huge ripple effect on the rest of the relationship.
Also, within this example, the husband may simply have a higher need for the variety than his wife, when she understands this, they can make more plans to fulfil this need of his together and, she will also feel more significant! There are many ways to fulfil these needs that would bring them closer together as a couple.
Even at times of difficulty, I am often touched by the concern that committed couples to have for one another's happiness and well-being from my perspective as their coach. However, if you are within the relationship, you may find it confusing to notice how much your spouse cares because it is so easy to conclude they do not care when your needs are not being satisfied.
Knowing and understanding what your partner needs is not always obvious, and it can be confusing as to why they are dissatisfied or unhappy.
If you understand that your partner has a high need for 'Uncertainty' (spontaneity, risk, excitement, adventure, and variety.) then you will understand their unhappiness at watching TV every evening.
A lack of Uncertainty such as this could manifest as frustration, dissatisfaction, or criticism, and have a detrimental effect on your relationship. You can then suggest ways of fulfilling that need. They can also fill their lives with other activities outside of the relationship to help this also.
Our 6 human needs are vital to creating a happy marriage or relationship.
3. An imbalance of work/responsibilities/marriage/relationship/kids
One of the most common reasons that I have seen with couples in crisis is an imbalance in their lives. Couples build lifestyles that are so hectic, loaded with obligations, and under so much stress that they lose sight of their marriage or relationship.
Ambitious couples take on jobs that may require them to work long hours or be away from home regularly. Combine this with children, house upkeep, other projects/hobbies or jobs and it can be a source of destruction in their connection and, ultimately, how they feel about each other.
Many couples find themselves in a situation where there are not enough hours in the day. They physically do not have the time to spend with each other, and when they do, they are tired or distracted and certainly not bringing their best selves to their partner.
I have worked with couples who have children, full-time jobs, and side jobs and are renovating properties and they wonder why they are squabbling over things that once were irrelevant.
Often, couples feel stuck in these situations, they see no way out. Sometimes, they do not even see that it was them that chose these circumstances in the first place. They see it as a necessity, as the way life is, or needs to be, to be ‘successful.’ This can come across as being unempathetic to a partner who may be desperate to feel loved or significant to their partner.
The fallout from this is that the couple becomes disconnected, their relationship becomes more like a business relationship or friendship, merely getting through the day as best as they can and talking about the necessities to keep on top of it all.
The romance, fun, and light-heartedness they once had become less and less, and the seriousness of life becomes the norm.
The hard truth is, if you do not have the physical time to be in your relationship, or the energy or focus to be present in it, it will eventually break down.
Are you too busy to have a happy relationship?
Your marriage or relationship deserves to be the priority in your life. Put your relationship first and then organize your life around it. Your partner will feel loved, special, and safe and they will trust that you will be there for them when they need you.
4. They Neglected Their Relationship When Life Happened
Life throws curveballs sometimes. Our lives can change unexpectedly, loved ones become ill, new jobs require us to move house, finances can change, or we are blessed with children. All these sorts of changes in our lives require us to change also, we need to adjust, reframe, communicate, deal with, or organize.
To safeguard our relationship, make sure our needs are being fulfilled, and maintain our connection throughout the shift, we must act as a partnership and communicate effectively and consistently. However, most couples avoid doing these things. They continue as usual, paying little heed to any adjustments that might be necessary because of the changes.
Ask yourself, when was the last meaningful change in your lives? Did you address the necessary adjustments needed? What was required to allow you to stay connected as a couple? What did you need? What did your partner need? What would have made it easier for you? What would have given you a better outcome?
Even curveballs in life can help to make your relationship stronger when you intend on making it so. Ensure that you, as a couple, turn toward each other at these times and do not withdraw or turn away.
In a healthy and happy relationship, there really is no place for judging your partner or coming to conclusions about them.
When we feel that our spouse has negative beliefs about who we are, what we will say or do, etc., it hurts us and leads us to put up our defences. Feeling judged breaks trust and we feel that we cannot always be ourselves around that person. When barriers are up there is little chance for connection. We feel that we need to protect ourselves from the very person who we want to help us to feel safe. Vulnerability, the essential component for connection, is difficult to muster when we feel threatened by judgment from our partner.
During couples coaching sessions I have witnessed the pain on someone's face when their partner tells them what they perceive to be wrong with them or tells them why they think they are the way they are. Conclusions like - “You’re like that because of your Dad,” or, any sentence that begins with ‘You always,’ or ‘You never.’
Reflect upon the beginning of your relationship. Why did you love being with your partner? Was it because you felt that they brought out the best in you? Did you love being with them because you were your true self when you were around them? Or was it because you felt that they brought out the best in you?
You felt these things because your partner saw all that was amazing about you, they did not care about your flaws because they saw the positive attributes within you. There was little or no judgment. They found you fascinating as they learned more about you, and they wanted to know more.
Fast forward 10-20 years and that person assumes they know you. They see your flaws and judge you for them. This changes the overall energy of your relationship and resentment can build.
We all enjoy feeling liberated. We want to be free to be who we are in life, in relationships, work, socially, etc. We want the autonomy to decide how to act and behave, what to choose, and to be who we are at that specific time, however that may be. Who does not love to be around people who allow them to be themselves? We thrive around those people!
So, if you are in a relationship where your partner feels that they know you better than you do, it can feel stifling and restricting and you can begin to feel resentful.
What can you do about this?
Take responsibility for when you are doing it to your spouse and apologise where appropriate. Stop looking for their faults and start seeking their attributes. What do they bring to your life?
Be grateful.
Tell them. A lot.
Tell them you want to work together to make this change. Embrace each other's quirks and talk about the things you struggle to accept, then work together to come to an agreement or discuss how to make a different choice.
If you relate to any of these reasons, please address these issues and have conversations with your spouse regarding how these have affected you and what changes you can make going forward that will help you to avoid a no-fault divorce.
Relationship Coaching can help you to find the underlying cause of the discord in your marriage and give you the tools to make quick and effective changes to prevent the heartbreak of a no-fault divorce.
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Jane Parker, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jane Parker is a Certified Strategic Intervention Advanced Relationship Coach and she works with couples and individuals to guide and empower them to create positive changes in their marriage or relationship.
Her strategies help couples in crisis who may be considering separation or see no other alternative than divorce.
Jane's work helps couples to see the value in their relationship and each other, allowing them to
build upon the foundations of their connection to intentionally create the relationship they desire.
She inspires couples and gives them the tools and skills to create more understanding, connection, and trust within their relationship.
Jane's deep commitment to her work comes from her strong family values and a desire to coach couples to create happy and healthy relationships within their own homes. She is dedicated to showing that even when things seem hopeless positive changes can be made.
Jane works with couples in person in the beautiful Lake District, UK, or online worldwide.
You can find Jane at www.janeparkerrelationshipcoach.co.uk
