Written by: Lara El Ghaoui, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
My first real-life experience of self-compassion happened a few years ago, when I had a fallout with a close friend that left me profoundly sad and at a loss for a way to help myself.
When I sat with myself, I was consumed by anger. It wasn’t the argument itself that made me angry but rather the feeling of isolation. Where I longed to feel heard and received, I felt belittled and ignored. Then, the anger slowly began to dissolve, giving way to something much deeper. Shame and self-blame took the reins. I felt that what happened was my fault, that I was exaggerating and that I shouldn’t be hurting as much. I felt that something was wrong with me. That internal criticism continued for a while and left me feeling stuck. I did not know what to do until I decided to pick up my pen and start writing aimlessly, a stream of consciousness that was flowing effortlessly. Words were strung together, naturally, reflecting a rather chaotic thought and emotional process.
And then something extraordinary happened.
As I was describing my hurt in detail, I sank deeper into my being, until I felt so close to my emotional wound. It felt so raw and authentic. And then I wrote: ‘It’s okay to feel this way’. And just then, a flow of tears came rushing out from within. I felt as if I struck the right note, and so I kept writing: ‘My feelings are real,’ ‘I have the right to feel this way,’ ‘I am not a bad person,’ ‘There is nothing wrong with me’ and so on… The knot which kept me stuck within myself was gently untying. The heaviness gradually became lighter, and my whole internal system calmed down. This was my first real-life encounter with self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
When I ask my clients to think about ways to be self-compassionate, many look at me with puzzlement and chuckle as if to say: ‘I have no idea.’ The easiest way to understand self-compassion is to think of it as the opposite of self-judgement and self-criticism. Ironically, most of us can give at least one example of an incident when we judged ourselves, but few can recall a time of being kind to ourselves. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, you’re self-compassionate when you acknowledge your pain and ask yourself: ‘how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?’
How does self-compassion improve your mental health?
Research shows that the practice of self-compassion can improve people’s mental health through emotion regulation. Emotion regulation refers to various internal processes (in the brain and body) that impact what emotion we express, how we express it, how long it lasts, and how intense it is. Studies have shown that the higher the self-compassion, the more adaptive the emotion regulation. In simple terms, self-compassion can reduce negative emotions like stress, depression, and anxiety.
5 Steps to practice self-compassion
1. Recognise the suffering or the emotional pain you’re going through by simply articulating how you feel. You could say it out loud to yourself, you could talk to someone who could be a therapist or a friend, or you could write it in your journal like I did.
2. Connect to the inner critic, which is the part that’s self-judging and self-criticising, by noticing the voice that’s telling you: ‘You shouldn’t feel this way’, ‘It’s your fault’, ‘Man up’ etc. For me, the main barrier that kept me stuck in a negative swirl of emotions was feeling that something was wrong with me. In his book, The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer talks about an inner voice we all have that is constantly talking. He says: ‘The best way to free yourself from this incessant chatter is to step back and view it objectively.’
3. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Yes, this can be extremely uncomfortable, but giving yourself permission to ‘feel your feelings’ can release unpleasant emotions. This process of ‘letting go’ can be done through being present and noticing what’s going on within you as well as through talking and writing.
4. Validate yourself. How many times do we wait for others to reassure us that what we think, feel, or do is okay? Being self-compassionate is providing that reassurance to ourselves. We can do so by using positive affirmations that counterbalance the inner critic. Statements such as: ‘It’s okay to feel this way’ or ‘I’m not a bad person’ can be very powerful. You can write them or say them out loud and if you’re comfortable, you can do so while putting your hand on your heart.
5. Embrace your humanity. Accepting that suffering is part of life and that it’s always going to be there, makes the world a little less lonely. When we know that what we feel is not always unique to us, but is rather shared and experienced by all humans, minimises the feelings of isolation and separateness that we feel when we’re not in a good place.
There are other ways to be self-compassionate and you must practice what you feel most resonates with you. I always tell my clients, there is no magic recipe for anything. The important thing is to practice a few tips and check in with yourself to see what is and isn’t helpful for you.
Lara El Ghaoui, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lara El Ghaoui worked for 14 years in the humanitarian sector helping people affected by disasters in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. She always wanted to be a therapist but was never encouraged to follow her heart, given the stigma associated with mental health. She was a client herself twice and knows how transformational therapy can be. Lara kept longing for a path that aligned with her true self until she finally answered the calling she had buried for years and became a person-centred therapist. She now owns the private practice ‘Route To Self’ in North Wales and helps people reconnect with their authentic self. She offers online, in-person, and Walk & Talk sessions outdoors, to harness the healing power of nature.
