Allana Pratt is an intimacy expert, relationship coach, author of 6 books, and the host of the edgy podcast “Intimate Conversations”.
How does one create a successful relationship after the last one broke your heart? Or continues to annoy you with cantankerous custodial battles? It's enough to make you want to give up on love or, at least date your vibrating friend who doesn't talk back.
What’s a smart, successful gal or guy to do? Just get out there again? Not so fast my friend.
The divorce rate in America is 50%, 67% for 2nd marriages, and 73% for 3rd. What this says is that most people don't ‘do the work’ from the first relationship. They often don't know how to face and feel what went wrong, how to integrate life lessons and evolve, how to sit in the fire to heal the heart wounds.
Given they don't get effective support to process the emotional triggers and traumas post-divorce, they end up attracting their worst-case scenario because subconscious fears of betrayal, lack of trust, or hidden low self-esteem are still running the show.
I call this sprinkles on top of the ice cream cone of sh*t. While it’s true that it’s initially uncomfortable to process pain, when you get to the other side, it’s potently powerful, deliciously sensual, and gloriously free.
As an Intimacy Expert for the past 20+ years, it’s especially devastating for me to watch a smart, successful person berate themselves, questioning why they feel so insecure, why they were blindsided and didn’t see it coming. Often, this internal spinning creates unnecessary drama not to mention adrenal fatigue trying to control what they ultimately can’t control.
They question, Why? What’s wrong with me? This wakes them up at 3 am night after night, often shaming themselves because they should have figured relationships out by now. Unfortunately, that shame creates a huge blind spot to red flags and they end up getting betrayed, used, or hurt even worse the next time.
Shame is very closely linked to guilt, which shows up as self-punishment. You’ll often see a woman feeling guilty that she can only see her children half the time because of the divorce, then subconsciously punish herself with an abusive man who doesn't honor, respect, or protect her.
Or, you’ll see a man punish himself by sabotaging his career, losing money in the stock market, getting into a car accident, and developing chronic pain which is often unresolved rage held in the body.
Women often lose their radiance; a dullness sweeps over her eyes, no longer able to see the light in her soul when she looks in the mirror, and simple things no longer give her joy.
Men often lose their presence, their ability to feel brave or take calculated risks, drinking or eating away their loneliness, finding a quick hit from porn while unable to maintain eye contact or confident posture with new potential love interests.
Whether it's a divorce over Zoom or a more expensive courtroom battle, just the word divorce carries so much stigma. I prefer to take a counterintuitive approach and celebrate people who have the courage to end something that is not an uplifting contribution to their lives.
I believe it's far easier to check out, settle, and live a fake, shallow, and mediocre existence, or just have an affair on the side. Choosing to face your truth, have tough conversations, potentially uproot your entire home and living, deal with the money, face potential rejection from others, learn to date again. This is for the Brave Warrior Priest and Priestesses of the Light if you ask me!
What about a radical point of view that divorce is a path of enlightenment? For the past 20 years as an Intimacy Expert, Relationship Coach, and thriver of divorce myself, I have helped people slow down and savor the sacred journey of divorce, for at some point, even if you and your spouse were able to have an amicable uncontested divorce, forgiving yourself or another is not always easy.
Some of us feel completely stupid that we didn't see the red flags and got the rug pulled out from under us. Others knew all along it wasn’t a fit but betrayed their truth, thought having kids would make it better only to show those kids, unhealthy love. To fully forgive the other, I invite you to see your ex as your Master Spiritual Teacher, they were sent to invite you to do the inner work. Then you can say, Thank you for giving me this experience of divorce because I learned; compassion, courage, self-respect and surrender.
Divorce can be a portal to self-realization if you choose it to be. It's a path of learning how to navigate intense emotions and keep your heart open in the face of anything. It's a path of learning to let go, grow up, and embrace humility, rather than becoming a bitter perfectionist or control freak. It's the path of learning how to soften and surrender our grip as we discover that our plan is rarely the divine's plan. It's a beautiful path of humble dignity if you're willing to lean in, own your sh*t, face your shadows, and come home to your heart.
It's so rewarding to watch clients face their fears, feel their suppressed emotions, and process wounds into superpowers. As they deepen their roots, they are able to attract a partner who has done their work as well, and together their high-level capacity to resolve conflict and have deep, fierce, loving, and meaningful conversations creates a relationship of exquisite thriving intimacy. Watching them eventually find their ‘heartmate’ makes the journey more than worth it. Showing their kids healthy love changes the future of our planet.
What then is the most powerful first step to begin your healing work so that you don't date again only to attract your ex in another body and repeat the same mistakes, only worse the next time?
I have found the most potent first step is a question: Where am I sourcing my worth? On the outside, looking good, or on the inside, being whole?
Divorce is often a blow to our confidence yet it’s important to realize that we often collapse our worth with our accomplishments. It may feel like you’re good enough if you’re in a relationship or worse if you’re single. Better with more money and a smaller butt. Better if friends believe you, choose you, and side with you, not your ex.
Yet accomplishments and achievements come and go. We can’t control people as hard as we may try. Desperately trying to make your outside world perfect is going to exhaust you because it’s futile. However 'true' self-worth is inherent, infinite, and unwavering. You are a conscious being of choice. You are the maker of your reality. You are light. And connected to the All in a unified field of consciousness.
Notice as you navigate your separation or divorce, if you feel drawn to justify your behaviors or give reasons to why you are divorcing. Do you feel ashamed at parties that you are the +1? Do you feel ashamed that once you've split up the money, your lifestyle isn't as opulent and you're embarrassed that this is all you have to show for yourself?
Notice if your worth is based on your external circumstances or what people think of you. This lets you know if you're wired backwards, which means you are seeking your worth, approval, safety, and appreciation from the outside in.
Thus, the next most important step is to rewire yourself properly from the inside out where you take on extreme, radical self-value, self-honor, self-cherishing, self-treasuring, self-adoration, self-forgiveness and self-celebration. Here’s the tough part, you love and embrace 'both' your wobbly nature and your magnificent nature at the same time!
Every part of you is worthy of love.
I mean it.
Until you unconditionally love and embrace every part of yourself, even the scared, hurt, and uncertain parts. It is vibrationally impossible to attract a partner who treats you the same. When we give transparency and connection to ourselves first, we receive transparency and appreciation from others. As you appreciate your whole self, you attract someone who appreciates your whole self, too.
This is the rewarding journey I take so many divorced people through, as they ‘become the one to find the one which awakens the one.’ They attract partners with extraordinary capacities to communicate and tell the truth because they are no longer emotionally unavailable to themselves.
The inside creates the outside every time. The work works.
Healing from divorce may be the most worthwhile journey of self-realization you will ever take that reaps rewards physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, vocationally, financially, socially, parentally, romantically, and sexually. That’s one helluva ROI!
Remember, intimacy is an inside job. Healthy intimacy with yourself first 'can' and 'will' create the world you desire to successfully find love again after divorce. Such that, one day you might say, 'Thank you universe for this divorce, as it’s been the catalyst for me to finally come all the way home to my sweet self.'
As committed as you are, what’s still repelling deep connection, fulfilling sex, and heart-centered intimacy? Your blindspots! Unintegrated heartbreak. Let’s move you from confused to clarity, insecure to confident, disheartened to hopeful, single to finding the one. We’ve got you!
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Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those ready to heal heartbreak, live unapologetically and attract a soul-shaking relationship. This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast Intimate Conversations: Season 12- Become the One, where listeners learn how to ‘Become the One’ to 'Find the One’ which ‘Awakens the One.'
