Written by Penny McFarlane, Author & Holistic Therapist
Penny McFarlane is an ex-teacher, author, children’s therapist and holistic complementary medicine practitioner. With an MA in Professional Writing, a post grad diploma in Dramatherapy and registered qualifications in Yoga, Kinesiology, Reflexology and Reiki, she combines, through her books, the two things she loves best: writing and healing.
April 30th is Beltane and Nature is going bonkers. In olden times couples couldn’t help themselves and high-tailed it, hand in hand, to the Greenwood to join in with the natural exuberance around them. Traditionally celebrated as the first day of summer, the name Beltane derived from the Celtic god Bel who, as ‘the shining one,’ spread his mantel of green over the land, giving all creatures the opportunity to come together in natural ecstasy and celebration of life.
But what if you don’t feel like it? What if celebrating life is the last thing you want to do? What if your relationships feel more like wrestling contests than canoodles?
1. Know that you are not alone
The energy of this season is rather like that of an adolescent who knows and respects no boundaries. It is no coincidence that many relationships do not bear the pressure put on them at this time by this energetic freedom: a freedom which demands a degree of flexibility many couples find hard to achieve. It is a popular time to get married… and to divorce. It takes stamina to compete with the exuberance of nature; sometimes it’s easier to give in. According to medical research, it is also when people may suffer from a particular type of S.A.D. syndrome (Seasonally Affected Disorder) and when suicide figures are high. In Traditional Chinese Medicine an organ associated with this time of year is the heart and the excess of feeling can be joy …or despair.
2. Slow down, stand back and suss it out
So, you’ve just had the mother of all arguments with your other half. And you can’t, for the life of you, understand how it escalated to such a pitch. According to Michelle Chaffardert, ‘Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It's how we connect, express our needs, and resolve conflicts. Yet, effective communication can often feel elusive, leaving couples frustrated and disconnected.’
So, what went wrong?
Back in the mid-twentieth century, a Canadian psychiatrist called Dr. Eric Berne devised a technique that he termed T.A. or Transactional Analysis. His premise was that, in any one face-to-face encounter between individuals, the persons concerned were likely to take up one of three stances: parent, adult, or child. For example, in the parent mode, the person concerned might be critical, judgmental, and authoritative; in the adult, reasoning, calm, and logical; and in the child – needy, self-pitying, and emotional. The trick, obviously, is to recognise which of the three you might have inadvertently slipped into during the course of a verbal transaction and try to regain the middle, adult approach.
Does this kind of conversation sound familiar?
‘Why did you leave the front door open last night? You are always doing that.’ (Parent)
‘Don’t blame me. It wasn’t my fault. I can’t manage all the shopping. You could have helped.’ (Child)
‘Oh, so you’re only blaming me now.’ (Child)
The trick, obviously, is to recognise which of the three you might have, inadvertently, slipped into during the course of a verbal transaction and try to regain the middle, adult approach, such as:
‘Oh yes, I may have done that. I find it hard to manage the shopping sometimes. Do you think you could give me a hand next time?’ (Adult).
In Parent mode you might use words such as: You always, never, should and shouldn’t as well as critical words such as stupid, unnecessary, senseless, and pointless.
In Child – I want, I don’t care, I have to…: emotive language such as: this is the worst, best, only … etc. Don’t… I can’t.
In Adults, why, how, when, and what questions are asked calmly and controlled. I see, I understand, possibly, I believe, I think, do you think, etc.
Think back to an encounter with someone which went very wrong. Which mode do you think you may both have been in? And, how, in choosing the adult mode do you think it could have ended differently?
3. Rate your relationships
Relationships are, generally speaking, very important to us and may govern our lives. A good relationship, whether with a partner, lover, parent, child, or friend, can contribute to our self-esteem and self-worth, while a bad one can increase our self-doubt and insecurity. This is a good time to start looking at those relationships to ascertain whether they are helping us grow or stunting our development. This may sometimes require a look beneath the surface of what, at first, seems obvious. For example, a union where both partners seem incompatible because they have different needs and opinions may not necessarily be a failure. If, by working at the relationship, both partners are acquiring new levels of self-awareness then the union may be said, in terms of self-development, to be a success.
Take a look at the shadows in your life as in who darkens your life.
Make a list of the people who drain your energy and think about how they do this. Try not to analyse why, but go with the feelings they arouse in you.
Take each of the people you have mentioned in turn and look at whether you are learning something from being with them. Remembering that ‘the only behaviour you are responsible for is your own’, see whether your reactions to their behaviour brings out the best or worst in you.
Think about how you would have liked to behave towards them.
4. Consider your relationships in terms of blessings or lessons
Another novel way of viewing your relationships as well as the events, good or bad, which befall us in our lives, is to consider that everything which happens to us is either a lesson which conceals a blessing, or a blessing which conceals a lesson.
Make a list of some situations in which you have found yourself recently and think about whether they might be lessons or blessings.
Think about which lesson might be learnt from the blessing and which blessing you may have been given through having to learn the lesson.
5. Protect yourself
Although we may be able to come to see those people who provide us with lessons in life as not altogether unhelpful, there will still be times when we are simply not strong enough to deal with them; when, by being open-hearted, we are allowing too much of our energy to be drained away. We recognise these people by the feeling of repeated exhaustion we have following every meeting with them. These are the times when we need to protect ourselves.
There are many techniques available for protection and whatever appeals to you the most will be the right one: bubbles of light or colour, angels, gold or silver orbs… Protecting yourself from energy drain can be surprisingly effective.
6. Recognise positive energy and go for it
We have mostly looked at managing the negative in relationships but what about those people who leave you feeling uplifted, who move you forward in some way? It’s easy to take these people who brighten your life for granted but what if they have come into your life for a reason?
Practise giving these people energy and imagining that they have a message for you, you may be surprised at the results.
Make a note of any synchronicities which might occur in your conversations with them.
Listen to your level of joy and accept that you may be being led towards co-creating with nature.
Penny McFarlane, Author & Holistic Therapist
Penny McFarlane is an ex-teacher, author, children’s therapist and holistic complementary medicine practitioner. With an MA in Professional Writing, a post grad diploma in Dramatherapy and registered qualifications in Yoga, Kinesiology, Reflexology and Reiki, she combines, through her books, the two things she loves best: writing and healing. A lifetime’s interest in the mystical and magical has led her to exploring potential: what we were, what we are and what we are capable of being. Her books reflect her mission: to reconnect people to their innermost selves; to finding peace and potential to dance on the softened edges of life.
References:
Chaffardert, M. (2024) Crack the Code – Mastering Communication in your Relationships. BRAINz magazine. April 11th.
If you would like to know more about how to live more naturally in sync with your own rhythms and those of nature, take a peek at my book Writing in Rhythm
To learn more about my work and writing follow me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/penny-m-6766a540/
or visit my website: www.pennyannmcfarlane.com
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