How to Maintain Connection in a Relationship When Parenthood Shifts Priorities
- Brainz Magazine
- Mar 20
- 6 min read
Markella Kaplani, M.A., is a licensed psychologist specializing in parenthood and relationship dynamics. With over 16 years of experience, she brings a holistic and compassionate approach to mental and emotional wellness, supporting parents in reconnecting to themselves, their partners, and their dreams so that the entire family system can thrive.
Parenthood is often a beautiful yet overwhelming transition that can leave couples feeling disconnected. As the daily demands of raising children take over, the relationship can slip into the background. But maintaining connection doesn’t just happen by chance; it requires intention and an understanding of both personal and relational dynamics. As a parenthood and relationship coach and a licensed psychologist, I’ve guided many couples through this transformation. Let’s explore how to reconnect when parenthood has taken over the wheel.
Why parenthood changes relationship dynamics
When you become parents, it’s not just your lifestyle that changes; your identities evolve, too. This shift, known as matrescence for mothers and patrescence for fathers, is more than just a physical or logistical adjustment. It involves deep emotional and psychological shifts that can cause partners to feel like they’re losing themselves and each other.
A lot of couples struggle precisely because they haven’t yet acknowledged these internal changes. Many try to operate under their previous identities, expecting the same level of connection, intimacy, and time. This often leads to frustration when emotional needs aren’t met. However, it’s vital to recognize that we are no longer just partners. The “parent” identity that’s been added to the mix shifts the balance in the relationship.
Parenthood can either widen the gap or deepen the connection, and that depends on how well a couple understands the inner emotional shifts of each partner involved.
How to stay emotionally connected
1. Prioritize "identity dates" together
One of the tools I introduce to couples is "Rediscovery Dates", time intentionally carved out not just to connect as partners but to explore who you are becoming as individuals. Remember the curiosity and mystery involved when you first met? How were the first few dates, or even years, full of the excitement of discovering one another?
Parenthood transforms both of you, and this could either be overlooked (maybe even perceived as an inconvenience), or it can become an opportunity to spark that curiosity again. The changes brought forth by the expected advent of matrescence and patrescence can and will impact your connection, but they can also act as a catalyst for rekindling the passion that once was.
Here are some ways to start these conversations with your partner:
I feel parts of me are changing now that I’ve become a parent. I would love to know, do you feel similarly?
If so, what’s different about you now? Are you surprised by these shifts?
What part of this whole experience do you think triggered these changes?
These questions are meant to be relatively light, yet they still invite deeper reflection. The goal is to lead you as a couple into more heartfelt conversations while keeping the tone playful and connected.
2. Practice radical honesty about your needs
Couples often shy away from sharing their true feelings, especially when parenthood introduces new vulnerabilities. Radical honesty is a cornerstone of keeping emotional intimacy alive.
Something that can be a game-changer is dedicating time each week for a check-in, where each of you honestly expresses unmet needs, frustrations, or small wins without fear of judgment.
Each partner takes turns listening without responding to explain, correct, or rectify the situation. When expressing your needs, you should only talk about yourself, your desires, and feelings, without justifying them by criticizing the other person’s shortcomings or lack of understanding. Just talk about you and what you want.
This practice nurtures understanding and strengthens the partnership by creating a space where both of you can feel seen and heard.
However, this technique needs to be applied with care. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we either:
Inadvertently speak our honesty with a touch of (passive) aggression, or
Struggle to avoid becoming triggered and defensive when we perceive our partner’s feedback as unfair.
Under these conditions, “radical honesty” can add fuel to the fire. Instead of avoiding it, consider it a sign that you might need additional support to resolve deeper issues that are obstructing healthy communication.
Rebuilding intimacy amidst parenthood
3. Be intentional about physical affection
Physical intimacy can easily get lost in the chaos of parenting. While maintaining sexual connection might be more difficult during certain stages, simple acts of physical affection can go a long way in nurturing closeness. Small gestures, like holding hands, brushing against each other as you pass, or giving a meaningful hug, send signals of care. Touch is a powerful way to say, “I’m still here with you,” even when life feels overwhelming.
But if touch feels like too much right now, and there can be several reasons for that, you can still engage with intention in other ways. Maintaining eye contact and sending cues of approval when your partner is talking to you, rather than listening while doing a chore or looking at your phone, can make a meaningful difference.
4. Delegate and share responsibilities
In many couples, an uneven distribution of household and child-rearing duties is a leading cause of tension. To truly maintain connection, it’s essential that both partners feel like a team. In this case, it is vital to focus on creating fair responsibility-sharing systems. This not only prevents resentment but also reinforces partnership and collaboration. When both partners feel supported, they are more likely to invest in the relationship.
A practical tip is to have a weekly family meeting where tasks are discussed and reallocated based on everyone’s workload. Most of the time, it’s not about having tasks divided perfectly but about ensuring that each person feels they are contributing in a meaningful way.
Self-care and boundaries for a stronger relationship
5. Embrace your inner parent and inner child
We all have multiple parts within us; some become less vocal, while others become more active under the stress of parenthood. We each have an inner parent struggling with the demands of caregiving and an inner child needing nurturing and attention.
When we, as partners, are aware of these dynamics within ourselves and each other, we can stop projecting unmet needs onto one another. Instead, we can turn inward, understand our own triggers, take the time to openly share our new insights with our partner, and then find a way to navigate the situation together as a team.
6. Set boundaries around parenting
Parenthood can consume every moment if boundaries aren’t set. This might mean agreeing on times when you don’t talk about parenting at all, perhaps during dinner or after the kids go to bed. It’s essential to create a mental space that allows you to reconnect as partners, not just as co-parents.
Small efforts, big impact
A healthy, connected partnership isn’t just about your own happiness; it directly impacts the entire family. Children observe how their parents relate to one another, and the emotional climate between them becomes their model for future relationships. By maintaining a strong connection, we are teaching our children the importance of communication, respect, and emotional support. More importantly, they feel more secure when they sense that their parents are united.
And while it may all seem overwhelming right now, trust me, I get it! Maintaining connection during parenthood is not about grand gestures. It’s about daily, intentional acts that remind you both of your partnership. When you prioritize understanding each other’s emotional shifts, practice radical honesty, and share responsibilities fairly, you create a foundation that supports not only your relationship but also your family’s overall well-being.
These practices will ensure your bond thrives, even in the midst of the beautiful chaos of parenting. For more tips and tools, tune in to The Parenthood and Relationship Podcast, and for guided exercises, join my newsletter here.
Read more from Markella Kaplani
Markella Kaplani, Parenthood & Relationship Coach | Psychologist
Markella Kaplani, M.A., is a multi-passionate, restless soul passionate about discovering the depths of the psyche and what makes us whole. In her quest to support people along their journey for better mental and emotional health, Markella is a dedicated lifelong learner. She holds an M.A. in Clinical-Counseling Psychology (M.A.), but also specializes in child psychology, special education, couple's therapy, and motherhood psychology, which provides her with a holistic perspective of the family system, both internally and externally. With her non-judgmental, culturally sensitive, and compassionate approach, she marries facts with each unique person's experience to create interventions that speak to their individuality.
