Jessica Chesterman (HG, Dip.P) is a psychotherapist dedicated to transforming workplace mental health. As a distinguished Human Givens Ambassador, she specialises in helping individuals conquer depression and guiding couples through relationship challenges.
January is a time of new beginnings, a chance to start fresh and press the reset button. Interestingly, the month is also referred to by many solicitors as "Divorce Month." So, is it really possible to maintain a healthy marriage?
Considering that 38% of marriages in the UK end in divorce (www.ons.gov.uk), it’s easy to suggest that marriage is not an easy thing to accomplish. However, like any journey worth taking, it requires effort. Although it isn’t for everyone, marriage can be incredibly rewarding and is one of the greatest and most fulfilling parts of life.
While fairytales often depict marriage as a constant state of bliss, the reality of life is different. It's important to remember that challenges are normal and expected. This is where the true strength of a relationship lies: navigating these difficulties together.
Most couples don’t intentionally drift apart, but maintaining a thriving marriage takes work, especially as both partners evolve and life brings changes. Children, families, deaths, and finances all create new dynamics in any marriage. These changes require ongoing communication, adaptation, and a commitment to working through challenges together.
So, how can you support each other to ensure your relationship continues to thrive? Let’s explore some strategies.
Knowing what you need
A cornerstone of any successful marriage is ensuring both partners' emotional needs are met, as neglecting these needs can create an imbalance that strains the relationship.
In my work as a couples therapist, I've seen firsthand how often unmet needs lead to feelings of invalidation and disconnection, which highlights the crucial role emotional needs play in a healthy partnership. All nine of these needs* are important, so let’s dive into a few of them.
Validate your partner: Validation fulfills a fundamental human need: the need for status within the relationship. This means acknowledging and appreciating your partner's role and contributions. Whether they are the primary breadwinner, the primary caregiver, or something else entirely, feeling valued for their efforts is crucial.
When your partner feels their contributions are unrecognized or taken for granted, they may experience feelings of invisibility, resentment, and loneliness.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's easy to overlook the small things your partner does to maintain the relationship. However, consistent acknowledgment and validation, no matter how small the gesture, can significantly impact their sense of appreciation and belonging. Working on the art of compromise is also an essential part of this. A healthy relationship is one built on give and take.
Nurture emotional intimacy: While physical intimacy is often a defining characteristic of a romantic relationship, it’s crucial to remember that emotional intimacy is equally, if not more, important.
The frequency of sexual activity naturally fluctuates within relationships; however, it’s the consistent nurturing of emotional connection that truly sustains a deep and lasting bond. This emotional intimacy manifests in countless small gestures: a gentle touch, a comforting hand on the shoulder, a shared laugh, or simply being present and attentive. These seemingly insignificant moments say to your partner, "I love you, I am present, and I care."
Achieve together: Shared goals and aspirations can significantly strengthen a marriage. We tend to naturally gravitate toward partners who share our values and life perspectives.
When couples set and work toward common goals, whether financial, health-related, or career-oriented, they foster a deeper sense of connection and build a life together. Furthermore, supporting each other’s individual dreams and ambitions creates a secure and nurturing environment within the relationship.
Prioritize a little alone time: Our modern world can feel incredibly demanding, with constant pressures from work, family, and financial responsibilities. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and disconnected.
Everyone needs time for solitude – a chance to process their thoughts and emotions. This is crucial in a relationship too. By carving out time for yourself, you return to your partner more centered and present, allowing for deeper and more meaningful connections.
Make it positive: Positive attention is essential for us to thrive. Sharing joyful moments, laughter, playful banter, and reminiscing about shared memories fosters a sense of connection. This positive energy creates a ripple effect, leaving both partners feeling happy, appreciated, and loved.
In contrast, negative exchanges, such as tense arguments or feelings of disconnection, can significantly impact your well-being. These interactions can leave you feeling drained, resentful, and emotionally distant. Prioritizing kindness and positive communication within your relationship is essential for nurturing a loving and supportive environment.
Communication is key
It's crucial to understand that complete agreement isn't the goal of a healthy relationship. Disagreements are inevitable and can even be beneficial, fostering growth and broadening perspectives. However, it's essential to truly listen and understand your partner's viewpoint. Often, feelings stem from unmet emotional needs, and ineffective communication can lead to vastly different perspectives on a situation.
Here are a few key considerations for effective communication within a relationship:
Use softer language skills: Soft language skills can significantly improve communication within a relationship. By choosing words carefully, you can express your feelings more constructively and maintain a calm, respectful tone.
For example, instead of saying, "I hate the way you're always on your phone," try, "I'd love to spend more quality time together, free from distractions." By incorporating softer language skills into your communication, you create a more positive and supportive environment for both yourself and your partner.
Move away from criticism: Instead of focusing on criticism and blame, try to express your underlying desires. When you explain what you need or how you feel instead of directly criticizing your partner, it opens the door to more productive conversations.
For example, instead of saying, "You always ignore me," try, "I'm feeling lonely and underappreciated lately. Can we talk about how we can spend more quality time together?"
Similarly, instead of saying, "Stop being in a mood," try, "I can see you're feeling frustrated. Can you tell me more about what's upsetting you? I want to understand how you're feeling."
Remember, behind every behavior lies an underlying emotion or need. By trying to understand those underlying factors, you can improve communication and find solutions that work for both of you.
Take a break: Sometimes, when emotions are running high, it's helpful to take a break. Everyone reacts differently to conflict, and sometimes it takes time to calm down and regain perspective. If a conversation is becoming heated, consider suggesting a short break.
This isn't about avoiding the issue or giving up; it's about creating space to cool down and approach the conversation with a clearer mind.
By stepping away for a few minutes, you can both regain composure and return to the discussion with a more constructive and productive mindset.
Write things down: It's a good idea to write down your thoughts and feelings when communication becomes challenging. This allows you to express yourself clearly and thoughtfully, without the pressure of immediate reactions or emotional responses.
When writing, focus on using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying, "You always...", try, "I feel..." or "I would appreciate it if...".
For instance, instead of, "You always ignore me when I walk through the door," try, "I would appreciate it if you acknowledged me when I come home, as it makes me feel valued and appreciated."
Similarly, instead of, "I don't like it when you shout at me in front of the kids," you could write, "I prefer to discuss our concerns privately. Shouting in front of the children can be upsetting for them."
Writing down your thoughts can also help you reflect on your own contributions to the situation and identify areas where you can improve your communication.
Plan some special moments together
Maintaining a strong marriage requires effort. In the early stages of a relationship, spontaneity and connection often come naturally. However, as life gets busier with work, family, and other commitments, these precious moments can easily slip away.
To counteract this, it's essential to prioritize quality time together. Schedule regular date nights, weekend getaways, or even a local lunch—dedicated time for just the two of you to reconnect and enjoy each other's company without distractions.
It may help to reflect on the early days of your relationship. What activities brought you joy and strengthened your bond? Re-creating those experiences can reignite the spark, deepen your connection, and inject a bit of joy into your relationship.
Target the love language
Understanding your partner's love language is key to showing them you care in a way that truly resonates with them and provides the recognition they need to feel valued.
Acts of service: Help them with a chore they dislike, run errands for them, cook their favorite meal, or bring them breakfast in bed.
Words of affirmation: Offer genuine compliments, express your appreciation, and let them know how much you value them.
Receiving gifts: Give thoughtful gifts that show you pay attention to their interests, or choose something that reminds them of an experience or time you shared together.
Quality time: Schedule dedicated time for just the two of you, free from distractions. This could be a walk followed by a picnic or drinks in the garden with music you both enjoy.
Physical touch: This could be something small, like holding hands, giving your partner a massage, or cuddling on the sofa.
By speaking your partner's love language, you can make them feel understood, and it demonstrates that you truly care.
Do you need some support?
This article offers a snapshot of practical tips for building a strong and healthy relationship. If you feel like you have become slightly disconnected and believe I could support you in strengthening your marriage or relationship, please reach out or visit my YouTube channel for general mental health tips.
Read more from Jessica Chesterman
Jessica Chesterman, Psychotherapist HG, Dip.P
As a Human Givens Ambassador with 15+ years in corporate enterprise sales, Jessica Chesterman (HG, Dip.P) is passionate about empowering individuals to manage their mental health. Her therapeutic approach, grounded in the latest psychological and neurobiological research, is focused on understanding how emotional needs are met across all aspects of life. By addressing these needs, she aims to help as many people as possible thrive in the workplace and beyond
