Written by: Krisztina Konya, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Rescuer ‒ always there to help others, save others, ignoring their personal needs.
There are various aspects of our personality, and when someone is in the rescuer mode, they tend to let their emotional self to lead their life, ignoring their own needs, having a strong need for approval from others, a need to be accepted and loved. Being the rescuer for someone else, they try to create a role for themselves in the world, society, and family ‒ until the need to rescue others becomes an addiction. Led by their emotional selves, it is hard for them to stand and see their loved ones experiencing failure, stress, and anxiety, even if these are the results of their decisions and actions; it would be beneficial to recognize that rescuing someone is not always helping them.
All of us fall into the rescuer mode from time to time ‒ we are human beings with emotions ‒ however, we must be aware that we take away from the other person the opportunity to learn and grow, to experience life for ourselves ‒ we are beautiful souls having a human experience. If a rescuer is always there to solve a problem or to fix a consequence of a wrong decision, the rescued one will never learn the lesson, so they will always go down the same spiral of not learning lessons, making mistakes, and not being able to evolve ‒ because it becomes very comfortable for them, to being saved if the situation goes wrong.
Being a rescuer ‒ feeling the urge to help others, even at the expense of your own need ‒ is called The White Knight Syndrome. When we are little girls or boys, we are conditioned by society, family, and education to be of service to others; then there are the childhood traumas that can lead one to be a rescuer as an adult – to have a compulsive need to help/fix others. These people tend to see their self-worth on how often and well they rescued others ‒ not paying attention to their soul’s calling - to their own needs. Most of the people having a rescuer tendency may come from a family where one of the parents had some addiction, for example, an alcoholic father or mother, and them being the mediator between parents ‒ for a child, this can cause trauma and it will reflect in the behaviour of the adult. As no one came to rescue them, these people will project their own need to be saved onto others by becoming a rescuer. They will give everything to others that they also want in their own lives. If carried on for a more extended period and not recognizing in themselves the rescuer tendency, they will attempt to control the other person’s life, thinking that they are the only ones to know what is better for them; however, this tendency shows a lack of control over their own lives.
And the questions arise: how can you stop being a rescuer for others?
Here are four tips that can help you if you recognize the rescuer tendency; you are trying to be the White Knight for others.
1. Heal your core wounds and take back the control over your own life
People who are so busy always trying to be there for someone else, to rescue someone else, might forget that the most valuable person in their life is themselves. Learn to value yourself, to know your self-worth, as we are born to be free, happy and worthy of a beautiful life ‒ it is our birth right. You are not here to save others, solve their problem, control their lives, or learn their lessons for them. You are here to experience life in full for yourselves; you are a beautiful soul having a human experience, and you must allow yourself to live your own life. It is not your responsibility to save others, to please others ‒ you are not born to be in the second place. You are worthy, and you matter. You cannot beat yourself up for someone else’s choices and the consequences of their decisions. Learn that the most significant person in your life is you. Love and respect yourself unconditionally and unapologetically, as you are worthy and extraordinary with your unique skills and abilities.
2. Learn the difference between support and rescue
You must understand that stopping the rescuer’s behaviour, and stopping to fix other people’s problems, does not mean that you abandon them. Focusing on your own needs and putting yourself in the spotlight does not make you selfish, and there is no need to feel guilty. All you are doing is that you permit yourself to heal and grow into that beautiful person you are. And you also allow the other person to experience their own life fully; you will enable them to learn their lessons and grow based on their own experiences. It is about finding a healthy balance.
When you stop rescuing them ‒ instead, you start to support them ‒ it means that you empower them; you are helping them to help themselves, you hold the space, listen to all what they need to say ‒ we all want to be heard and seen ‒ but don’t take on their problems. It’s theirs to solve them, make decisions, and live with the consequences of their choices.
3. Give yourself time
Before jumping on into rescuing someone, solving their problem, step back for a second, breathe, allow yourself to let go of the emotional aspect of yourself that will try to lead you and look for a different part of you; one element that will support you in your decision of being just an observer, a supporter. Allow yourself time to heal your wounds and recognize that the best thing you can do instead of rescuing allows the other person to grow. It might be hard initially because of the intense conditioning, so give yourself the time to return to yourself.
4. Start loving and respecting yourself
Have you ever thought about this ‒ helping others, being a rescuer, a fixer, but neglecting your own needs and wants, not paying attention to your feelings and emotions is cruelty done to yourself?
Maya Angelou said: “The real difficulty is to overcome how you feel about yourself.”
Whilst fixing others, rescuing others, fighting with your neglected demons and conditionings, you feel that you are still not enough, that you still don’t have the certification of “white knight” no matter how hard you try.
Stopping being a rescuer for others but yourself might be painful, like withdrawing from an addiction. In the beginning, you will miss the “I feel good that I could help” feeling, the appreciation from others coming from rescuing them; you might feel guilt, shame, insecurity, anxiety, “What if they will not love me anymore?”
Let go of self-criticism, be gentle and kind to yourself, love and respect yourself enough, put your own needs first, and treat yourself like how you would treat a best friend; in the end, you are your best friend. Learn to be a supporter rather than a rescuer. I know old habits die hard, so be consistent in being gentle, kind and understanding to yourself. It is not about abandoning someone or being selfish ‒ it is all about bringing back the balance.
The more you love and respect yourself, the more you know who you are and recognize your worth, the more compassionate and understanding you become toward yourself; you will feel less of the need to be someone else’s hero, to be the White Knight in someone else’s life but in your own. Increasing your self-awareness is key to changing your relationship with yourself and others.
All healing is self-healing, all control is self-control, and therefore all help is self-help. And if reading these lines causes you frustration and a strong need to argue with me, step back for a second and consider the source of your feelings.
Krisztina Konya, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Krisztina is deeply a passionate person, who believes that we are all destined for greatness. The first step in achieving success is to unleash the power of self-love and to know ourselves well. From here we can build up successful businesses from the heart and live a happy and joyful life. Krisztina is success & authentic leadership coach, company owner and author. She has a solid academic background with a Degree in Business Management, and she is a Spiritual Life coach. Her mission is to encourage women to find their path towards empowerment, to hold the space for them to achieve this by giving them some of the most valuable and practical tools.
