Written by: Dr. Toni Warner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Meetings to attend, teams to manage, kids to corral, meals to make, home to clean, partner to communicate with… how in the world does a parent who’s also a partner and a driven professional get ahead in this day and age? It’s a question all leaders have asked themselves at some point, as they navigate juggling the roles and responsibilities of being parent, partner and professional. As a mom of 4, multi-business owner, and wife, I understand why so many moms, dads, entrepreneurs, business owners and corporate leaders are asking this question so often and why they feel like the “tips” they’re getting as answers just aren’t cutting it.
When trying to figure out how to juggle it all, some people keep their difficulties secret so that it looks like all is balanced even when it’s not, while other people ask others how they balance work, marriage and parenting. Keeping it a secret can lead to a sense of isolation, which contributes to the stress of the juggling act. But asking others for advice can also come with its own challenges, especially when getting answers like “do this, it worked for me” or “it’s just how it is; it’ll get better over time”. While it’s well-intentioned to share ideas with others about things that have worked for them, it’s unlikely the specific thing that worked for them will work for all. There’s also truth to knowing that life happens in seasons, and so certain conditions will change over time, but that is not going to help with juggling things more effectively during this season of life. These cumulative difficulties add to the challenge of figuring out how to juggle all the things, even for the most ambitious of us.
Recently, during a guest speaking engagement with a podcast, I was asked a question that I find myself often being asked: “How do you juggle it all… being a mom… running your business but also being present for your family…?”
What I said on the podcast was “intention”, and that’s true. It is so very true. Intentionality is a way of approaching your days, your relationships, your way of being which means it can be custom-molded to work for anyone. But, what does that mean? Figuring out how to be more intentional in a way that’s actually effective can feel confusing and elusive. We don’t need more confusion; that’s not helpful. Adding more confusion to your day would make things more frustrating rather than less, which is why I wanted to write this article to help break this thing down into simple, digestible pieces.
Default or Deliberate?
Before we dive into the steps of intentionality that help to create more balance in our experience, it’s helpful for us to first be on the same page about what intentionality is. Being intentional is about doing and thinking in a deliberate way, rather than in default-mode. That’s the simplest way to think about it: deliberate rather than default. When stuck in the juggling act of life, we are most often operating from a default mode that is reactive; it keeps us in action but not with intention. To reduce the pressure of the juggling act, and instead start to experience more of a sense of balance and ease in our lives, we need to address some of the default modes that we’ve got going on in the background.
Let’s run through some examples of what that might look like in various roles:
Scenario as a parent: One of your kids is talking to you in a rude manner.
Default - Get irritated and react without stopping to think; your emotions are in control.
Deliberate - Get irritated, notice how you feel and how you want to instinctively react. Pause. Make a conscious choice about how you really want to demonstrate to your child how to handle irritation when someone else is making a poor choice.
Scenario as a professional: You’ve got a million things on your plate and don’t know where to get started because it seems everyone is wanting something from you all at once.
Default - Get overwhelmed and either lash out or shut down, leading to you feeling less productive and less focused, which then spirals into frustration and beyond.
Deliberate - Notice you’re feeling overwhelmed. Take a mental break from focusing on the demands, even if only for a few moments. Acknowledge, label and have compassion towards the overwhelmed parts of you. Consciously make a decision about how you’d like to proceed from that calmer space.
Scenario as a partner: You and your partner are arguing and it’s really bothering you.
Default - You get mad, sad or scared and react from that place; you do or say something that’s either unhelpful or that you later wish you hadn’t.
Deliberate - You label how you feel (i.e., mad, sad, scared). You ask yourself what you really need from yourself in those moments, before making any big decisions about what to say or do. After you’ve taken the time you need, you more consciously address your partner, expressing the emotions you need to express in a more clear and helpful manner.
These are just some common examples to get your mind thinking of ways you may be operating in default rather than in deliberate mode, in the important areas of your life. There are many other ways these scenarios could play out, and you’d need to practice some self-awareness and get creative to apply them to your particular life and circumstances, but these are great reference points to have in your back pocket!
A good question to sit back and honestly ask yourself is: “As I’m trying to juggle everything, how do I really tend to operate in most facets of my life? Am I most often running on more of a default mode or a deliberate one?”
Balance Vs. Control.
Thinking of life as a juggling act automatically sets a picture of us walking on tightropes, working hard to prevent anything from falling or else! So, “balance” is a term that is more fitting here, as it helps us start to move in a direction that we can begin to associate with less stress and urgency than the juggling act. The trouble is when people use the word “balance” nowadays, they tend to really be talking about control. When they’re asking “how do I balance it all” they’re really asking “how can I control everything”? But trying to control everything all the time is unhelpful, unhealthy and impractical. Balance isn’t actually about control, but it does require intention. Intention isn’t about control either, so it frees us from the impossible pressures that come along with those old, conventional frameworks that leave you working hard yet never really feeling the shift you desire. With this in mind, you may be wondering how to move from the default to the deliberate so that you can experience more of that balance. Don’t worry, I’ve got you.
Here are a few simple steps to get you started:
Identify the default mode that isn’t working out well. Knowing what you don’t like or what you want to see change can serve as a starting place. You can use the example scenarios above as a point of reference to help you with this.
Now that you know what you want to see change, write down why you want this default mode to change. What benefits would come from this change? What would be different and why does that matter to you?
Now that you’re clear on what default mode you want to see change and why, you have what you need to get more intentional about how to navigate it. Ask yourself, “how do I want to experience this instead?” Getting clear on how you actually want to experience your interactions with your children, partner or other professionals, is going to give your intention a point of focus.
As you engage with the people, places or things that used to trigger that default mode, start to practice noticing when that default mode is about to kick in. Then, deliberately shift your attention to ways you can show up in those moments that help you to experience more of what you’d identified you wanted to experience instead.
These four steps may seem simple, but simple and easy are not the same; be patient with yourself as you practice them. It will take time for your default mode to shift, and for your deliberate mode to kick in more naturally. This process is what I call “The Reset”, which I expound upon here.
One of the ways I help myself practice intentionality more deeply and on a regular basis, is by using an intentional scheduler that integrates the various aspects of my life. If you don’t have a means of helping yourself to practice intentionality in a way that helps you to balance work, parenting, health and other relationships, then here’s a free PDF of my custom intentional scheduler for you. Or, if you’d like a deeper walk through on how to use it and the science behind it, then you can check out the intentional scheduler mini-course here.
This four step practice can help bring a more balanced experience into your day to day life; helping you to become more focused and present when you want, where you want, with whom you want. These four steps are enough to get you started with making a meaningful difference in your life and relationships at work and at home. When you’re ready to build upon this four step practice, you can find additional steps and a more detailed process here, in The Reset A High Achievers Guide to Freedom & Fulfillment. It’s your one of a kind, customizable roadmap to getting unstuck.
For high impact videos on all things success and satisfaction, visit Dr. Toni’s YouTube channel here, or submit your questions to receive video response free and anonymous here.
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Dr. Toni Warner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Toni is a mom of 4, psychotherapist, mentor, educator, speaker and best selling author. She’s founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, a private practice in PA specializing in anxiety, bipolar and trauma support. She’s also founder of Bold and Balanced, an educational, mentoring and consulting business where she teaches leaders and parenting professionals how to effectively reduce stress, boost success and experience more ease and satisfaction at work and at home. Trained or certified in a variety of powerful methods such as Brainspotting, Dr. Toni infuses research and techniques that incorporate the brain, body and mind in her work with clients. You can find her best selling book, The Reset, A High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment on Amazon. When she’s not diving deep into her work, you can find her silly dancing and singing with her children, walking in nature or enjoying one of her delicious delights homemade latte, fresh bread or chocolate!
