Written by: Trea Tijmens, Senior Level Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Dating after divorce can be a daunting prospect, especially if your long marriage has recently ended. Or perhaps you divorced a while ago but haven't found the motivation or courage to seek happiness in love again.
No matter when and how your marriage ended, it is always a life-changing event. Finding the courage to search for a new partner is hard but isn't love worth the price?
Two types of singles after divorce
In my 18 years as a science-based dating coach and elite matchmaker I've worked with thousands of amazing, highly successful professionals.
I noticed that the clients I work with after divorce can be roughly categorized into two groups:
Career-focused avoidants. After the breakup they devote themselves fully to their professional lives. Sure they worked quite a bit before, but after the separation they focus all energy and attention on their career. It’s rewarding but also keeping them in their comfort zone. They keep themselves very busy so there is no space to feel the discomfort/pain around their love life. They believe they have no time to start a new relationship but in reality they don’t have the courage to date.
Self-development enthusiasts. Other singles will be focusing on rebuilding themselves after divorce. They will be determined to learn from past experiences and grow as people to prepare themselves for new love in the future. They may work with a therapist, invest in self development courses and read a lot of self development books. This is likely a more balanced path however, it’s also important not to get stuck on perfecting yourself and never really trying to find a new partner.
Confronting the dating reality
When Emily came to me for dating support, she told me the same mantra she had been repeating for the past ten years since her divorce:
“Once I'm ready, I will meet someone nice.”
Thankfully, having spent a decade establishing herself as an expert in her academic field and only going on one or two dates per year, she realized that approach was not going to get her anywhere. And so she found me.
Every single person who wants to return to dating after divorce needs to face the reality: Nothing changes unless you change something.
Here’s what needs to change if you’re serious about finding your new life companion
Deal with the past
If two people (or one of the partners) decide they don't want to be together anymore, there’s always a reason. Even if it’s just the sense that you’ve grown apart, something has led to that stage in a marriage that ultimately ended in a breakup.
For some people separation and divorce are very heavy experiences. Sometimes there’s some form of breach of trust involved, such as infidelity. There may be other issues, like emotional or physical abuse, or smaller, seemingly not as traumatic experiences which we store in our hearts. Even if you have consciously uncoupled or have an amicable divorce there are things that need to be addressed.
To open yourself to loving someone again, you need to properly close the previous chapter and lighten your emotional load. Without it, it’s possible that you’ll repeat the same old patterns, or sabotage a potentially good relationship through fear and unprocessed feelings.
Don’t let your emotional baggage prevent you from moving forward in your life. When I start working with a new single client we always take some time to look at the past, learn from it, and say goodbye to anything that’s not serving them.
Get proactive in your partner search
There comes a time after your divorce that friends and family will start encouraging you to “put yourself out there” and meet new people. As well-wishing as those suggestions may be, it's not that simple.
It's not enough to go out and hope for the best. How you put yourself out there matters. Make sure that other singles know you're available and interested in meeting them. And no, that won't happen if you walk around with your face buried in your phone!
My client Emily was an amazing woman. Warm and caring, incredibly smart and accomplished. What I quickly noticed about her were the negative views and limiting beliefs about her chances on the dating market:
“I guess I’m too old to be dating on an app.”
“Men prefer younger women.”
So often we stand in our own way of happiness. With Emily we started from the foundations. We addressed her emotional baggage of her previous marriage, and the ten years of life as a single woman.
I helped her notice her strengths and value and appreciate herself more. Once she was clear on her goal – what kind of man and relationship she wanted – and her heart was open, Emily was ready to get out there and meet men.
It didn’t take long before matches started coming in. Yes, it’s true that dating apps are more popular among younger folks, but nowadays, especially if you live in a bigger city or are willing to commute to meet new people, you will find suitable candidates at any age!
Within a few months Emily found herself in a happy relationship with Markus. They have been together ever since and bought a house last year.
Advantages of dating after divorce
Getting back on the singles market after divorce can be intimidating but it has its advantages. I’ve witnessed so many success stories in my career as dating coach and matchmaker – people who found true love and happiness after divorcing their long-term partners.
When you start looking for love again after divorce, you’re a different person than your younger, single self. You have more life experience, you’ve overcome difficulty, you have learned from the past and know what is truly important in a partner and a relationship.
I’ve noticed many of my divorced clients have a very accurate radar for red flags and personality features that may forecast a troubled partnership in the future. You have learned from the past and when you know better, you can do better. If you stay true to yourself, you’ll be able to make wise choices and create a new, happy future with someone.
Your key to happiness in love
Feeling lost about the challenge of dating again after a divorce? It’s normal and to be expected. With a little support and help everything will be easier. As a science-based dating coach I can say this for sure: there is a strategy to building a fulfilling, well-functioning relationship.
Working on your communication and relationship skills, upleveling your dating game to the demands of the modern world, overcoming limiting beliefs – it takes a bit of effort but it's worth it to do it well. After all, the reward is your personal happiness and love.
I have helped thousands of professional singles find a new life partner. Get in touch with me for a free love strategy call and find out how I can help you fulfill your dream of finding your match.
Trea Tijmens, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Trea Tijmens, the CEO of www.successmatch.ch, is an international elite matchmaker and award-winning dating expert and coach.
Trea believes that to love and be loved is a basic human need and that people do not thrive without love.
A former head-hunter, she founded SuccessMatch in 2005. Based in Switzerland, she works with local and international clientele and prides herself on her high success rate.
Trea is passionate about helping her highly international single professional clientele transition from where they are today to where they want to be; in a happy, fulfilling, lasting relationship with the right partner.
