Written by: Saara Iija, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Giving and receiving feedback is a skill that is needed in life by everyone. Yet still it is hard to master and causes nervousness and sweating palms, not only in the feedback receiver, but also the feedback provider. This is true, especially when giving constructive feedback and aiming to inspire change. Having the right tools for giving feedback can alleviate this fear.
We all have probably been in a situation when either we got defensive, or we dealt with another person who got defensive. It’s a struggle. How do you know the defences got activated? One of the most common signs is justifications and explanations flying around – denial, avoidance, angry outburst. When you feel the need to justify or overly explain, feel the hurt and anger bubbling inside – that’s when you know your defensive system got activated.
When someone or something threatens our sense of self, the limbic brain takes over, which is the primal part of the brain that is there for our protection. It gets activated when we are threatened. Some people are more easily threatened than others, this has a lot to do with levels of self-confidence and past experiences. Someone with better self-confidence won’t get so easily threatened.
So how do we give feedback that won’t make the recipient feel threatened and get defensive?
We can, for our own part, do our best to offer feedback in such way that it’s easier to take in, without alarm bells ringing and self-protective systems activating in the recipient. Better yet, we can aim to offer feedback in such way, which makes us closer to the recipient, invokes trust and enhances cooperation.
How we prepare ourselves for these discussions, has the potential to either make it or break it. That said, it’s important to remember, that we cannot control the reactions of the other person, no matter how well we are prepared. Therefore it’s good also to remember, that people’s emotional reactions, in the end, are their right and responsibility, thus separate from us and our influence.
The burger way
There are several different models for giving feedback, but not all of them are created equal.
We have often been taught that feedback should be given with the so-called hamburger approach. In this approach one gives the ‘beef’, a.k.a. constructive criticism, baked into positive feedback ‘bun’, to soften the blow of the criticism. At first it sounds good, right?
Wrong.
Why hamburger feedback, especially if used frequently, might be more harmful than good? Because of conditional learning!
Think about a time in your history when you learned something the hard way. For me, as a child in the wintertime, I would stick my tongue out to lick the frozen metal of a street lamp (like a popsicle, right), only to find myself stuck in the pole from my tongue, unable to get away (tongue getting painfully cold and increasingly stuck). It was only after a kind neighbour came to poor some hot water, that I could rid that streetlamp from my taste buds. I remembered after that not to put my tongue on frozen metal again.
This example is a bit extreme, but what it describes is conditional learning ‒ learning to associate the action with a certain consequence (direct feedback).
My example was a situation with a negative consequence, but conditional learning works both ways, positive and negative.
Back to the burger.
When we frequently receive positive feedback followed by criticism and then positive feedback, in time, we learn to anticipate the negative “…but…” each time we hear positive feedback. In other words, we get conditioned to negative feedback following positive feedback. And as we probably all have experienced, it’s easier to remember the criticism than the encouragement. Which in turn leaves a negative connotation to any positive feedback we may receive, eating its’ power away. Both messages the positive and the negative gets watered out and looses meaning.
Despite the Hamburger model’s intention of softening the negative feedback, it ends up being confusing and does not serve it’s purpose. So if you have relied on the hamburger-feedback model so far, I urge you to start thinking of other ways you could give feedback in order to boost morale and inspire change.
What does good feedback look like?
At its’ best, giving and receiving honest feedback fosters vulnerability and trust, as well as offers us an opportunity for growth.
Despite the general idea of giving and receiving feedback being a good thing (which it is), there are bad and good ways of giving feedback. In short: bad feedback is coloured by generalizations and aim to fix the person, not the behaviour. Good feedback, on the other hand, is actionable and situational.
Giving generic feedback is difficult to react to, and it may only leave a feeling of something being bad, but no clarity on what exactly should be changed and why. Bad feedback goes into person, rather than a specific action or behaviour. It leaves the other person feeling like they ARE wrong, not that they DID something wrong. This kind of interpretation is rarely useful, as it does not leave the door open for change and growth, but rather stigmatizes the whole personhood as bad. Not so easy to take in.
Actionable feedback on the other hand is specific to a situation and behaviour. It does not generalize, but focuses on a specific instance, preferably with a situational example to clarify what the behaviour was and what impact it had.
And now what you have been waiting for.
One simple yet powerful framework to provide feedback is the SBI-framework.
S standing for situation
B standing for behaviour
I standing for impact
This framework works for both positive as well as constructive feedback. It is specific, and it helps in delivering the message in an understandable way for the receiving party.
What is the situation I’m referring to…
What was the behaviour that was exemplary/bothersome…
What impact it had on me /our team…
This is an example of a simple structure that can help in giving more powerful feedback. I hope you will try it out and let me know how it went!
Saara Iija, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Saara Iija is an intuitive corporate trainer and leadership coach, specializing in developing high-functioning individuals and teams, by focusing on communication, team dynamics and professional growth. Her experience in the fast-paced corporate life (FinTech50) has shown her how people can make or break a business, and the difference is in communication and culture. She values creativity, growth, diversity, and adventure, which all come across in her trainings and coaching. Her ultimate goal is to empower and inspire people to thrive in the face of change. Today Saara is a co-founding partner of LAUMA Growth Group, a people development company teaching communication, leadership, and problem-solving skills.
